Today's Joke

[Lena & Harry Smith]

The slave girls name didn't register with us either Karl. until you mentioned it.

[keithgood838]

Karl, it serves Gedophamee right for attending
the athletics festival when she would have known
that the colossus Olympus would be there with
strict instructions from his mentor, Aphrodite,
on how he should perform.

ASSIDUOUS ATTENTIVENESS

I was enjoying a quiet meal in an Indian restaurant
recently when the waiter come over and enquired:
'Curry okay?' To which I patiently replied:
'If you insist, but just one song preferably a
Matt Monro number.'

[karl]

[karl]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, hje's the famous erudite comedian who once said: "I woke up onemorning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differenhtly than most of us do.

Here are some of his gems:

1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Borrow money from pessimists...they don't expect it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

7. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

8. If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend...but she left me before we met.

12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19. I intend to live forever....so far, so good.

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?.

25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is reasearch.

30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31. The sooner you fall behind. the more time you'll have to catch up.

32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favourite -

35. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[keithgood838]

Our thanks to Karl and Steven Wright
both of whom are erudite.

SPORTS SURFEIT

I am glad the Olympics are nearing their end,
at the ultimate stage;
soon last laps will be run, final rounds completed,
they will have played the one millionth ball.
During the gluttonous television coverage
I sought refuge at the Barnet Table Tennis Centre
and East Barnet Golf Club just to get away from it all ...

[keithgood838]

VINTAGE HUMOUR

The sad demise of the vineyard's stalwart wine taster
sparked the search for a successor. A drunken, down-at-heel
applicant arrived to apply for the position.
The manager and his secretary decided to try to find a way
to declare him unqualified. They gave him a drink to assess:
'It's a muscat; three years old, grown on the north slope,
matured in steel containers, low grade but palatable.'
Astonished, they had to concede: 'That's absolutely correct.'
Another glass ...
'It's a cabarnet, eight years old, matured in oak barrels
at eight degrees. Requires three more years for best results.'
A third glass ...
'It's a pirot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'
the drunk (by now he certainly should be) asserted confidently.
The manager shot his secretary a knowing look; she left the room
and returned with a glass of urine. The drunk sipped it:
'It's blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if you
don't give me the job I'll name the father.'

[karl]

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry. I have some bad news,
you have Yellowo 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There;s no know cure so just go home and enjoy your final previous moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card he gets a line and wins £320, then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'

'B****r me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!

[karl]

LITTLE OLD LADY

Defense Attorney
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady
I am 94 years old

Defense Attorney
Will you tell us, in your own words.what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady
There I was sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney
Didi you know him?

Little Old Lady
No, but he sure was friendly

Defense Attorney
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney
Why not?

Little Old Lady
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney
What happened then?

Little Old Lady
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney
Why not?

Little Old Lady
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense Attorney
What happened next?

Little Old Lady
Well, by then I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man, Take me now!'

Defense Attorney
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady
Hell, no! He just yelled. 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little
b*****d!

[Marian]

The Old Widow ( a little bit naughty)


A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.



On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
She opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...........,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

[karl]

Ooh Mrs. Marian!!!!!

[ROBERT M.]

Good one Marian and your's too Keith

[Eman]

Marian and Keith, awesome sauce..you had me laughing, you too Karl!!

[keithgood838]

DECLINING DYNAMISM

An old man visits his doctor to complain
about his diminishing sex drive.
'I don't seem to have as much pep as I used to.'
'I see,' says the doctor sympathetically.
'How old are you and your wife?'
'I'm 82 and my wife is 78.'
'And when did you first notice you had a problem?'
'Twice last night and once again this morning.'

[Eman]

LOL..Keith that was funny!!!

[keithgood838]

Eman, you are the most appreciative reader
of these jokes; a comedian's dream member
of his audience. Thank you. I hope the following
funny finds equal favour with you:

INFANTILE INFLATION

A small boy's nail-biting habit is driving his mum to distraction.
She tries to cure him of the compulsion by using scare tactics:
'If you carry on biting your nails you'll get bigger and bigger
until you blow up like a balloon.'
A few days later is he is on a bus when a very pregnant lady
sits opposite him. After a few minutes she realises the boy
is staring at her. 'Do you know me?' she asks pointedly.
'No, but I know what you've been doing.'