Today's Joke

[karl]

Keith it sounds a damn good name for them don't you think? Another good name for them means fatherless child!!!!!!

[keithgood838]

SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE

Our daft politicians ask
to be taken to bucketful task
with the rank ordurous stuff,
for they dump scandalous
idiocy down on us
so we're forced to cry: 'Enough!'

[Eman]

LOL Ketih!! Thanks for the laughs!!

[keithgood838]

It's my pleasure, Eman.

IRONIC INCOMPETENCE

Of all the groups who should be enabled
to get tickets for the Paralympics,
it is the disabled.
When asked why wheelchair users
have to spend time and money on the phone,
said our culture secretary with the wide-eyed grin:
'We have done more
for them than ever before.'
So that's all right then.

[Eman]

LOL, Keith!!

[keithgood838]

The following are my last words on this subject, for now:

AN ACQUISITIVE APHORISM

Crime means you have to take the money and run;
in politics you run, then take the money.

COUNCILLORS COUNSELLED

Two local councillors are attending a meeting
at the Town Hall. One asks: 'Have you heard
of Martin Motion?'
'No,' replies the other.
'Well, if you had bothered to attend a few more
council meetings you'd know he's been voted
in charge of the Borough sewage works.'
'Have you heard of George Grafenberg?
counters the second councillor.
'No, I can't say that I have.'
'Well, if you had attended fewer council meetings
you'd know he's the man who's been seeing your wife.'

[Eman]

Keith, you just made my lunch hour!!

[Marian]

Not really a joke....
The following questions were set in last year’s examinations
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E,

I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

[Eman]

LOL..Marian, shows you the brain capacity of the future..and what's wrong with the education system these days. Pepole just don't care anymore. It's funny but in the same breath, scary!!

[Marian]

Too true Eman!

[karl]

Marian I read them years ago but they seem to be doing the rounds again as they were sent to me just this week, do we have the same friends I wonder?

[keithgood838]

JEWISH JUDICIOUSNESS

'Hymie, wake up!' shouted his wife.
'Wassa matter?' asked drowsy Hymie.
'You're talking in your sleep again. Why
don't you control yourself?'
'All right,' agreed Hymie. 'We'll make a bargain;
you let me talk when I'm awake and I'll try
to control myself when I'm asleep.'

The Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram
and Max developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On 17 July 1946 the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The brothers entered Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked
his secretary into telling him they were the inventors of an
exciting auto industry innovation.
They persuaded Henry to get into their car in the parking
lot in which the temperature was about 130 fahrenheit.
They switched on the air-conditioner and the car cooled instantly.
Henry became very animated and offered them $3m for the patent.
The brothers said they would settle for $2m provided every dashboard
bore the appellation, The Goldberg Air-Conditioner.
Old man Ford was a little anti-semitic and refused their request.
They haggled until Henry finally agreed that their forenames
would be shown. Hence to this day all Ford air-conditioners
show: Lo, Norm, Hi and Max.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Brilliant Marian and Keith. Unbelievable but funny

[Eman]

Keith, do you know you are responsible for me laughing during lunch and one of my superiors walked by and gave me a strange look and thought I was a nut job while I was reading your joke on my Ipad? Ha ha, keep em comin' cuz I love them!!

[karl]

These are from a book called Disorder In The American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and plublished by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm whilel the exchanges were taking place.

To save time typing out Attorney & Witness every time I will simply put A & W.

A. What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
W. He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
A. And why did that upset you?
W. My name is Susan!

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A. What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
W. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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A. Are you sexually active?
W. No, I just lie there.

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A, What is your date of birth?
W. July 18th.
A. What year?
W. Every year.
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A This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
W. Yes.
A. And in what way does it affect yoru menory?
W. I forget.
A. You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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A. The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
WA. He's 20, much like your iQ
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A. Were you present when your picture was taken?
W. Are you sh****ng me?
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A. She had three children, right?
W. Yes
A. How many were boys?
W. None
A. Were there any girls>
W. Your honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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A. How was your first marriage terminated?
W. By death.
A. And by whose death was it terminated?
W. Take a guess.
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A. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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A.Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
W. All of them, the live ones put up too much of a fight.
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A. All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school didi you go to?
W. Oral.
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And last
A. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
W. No
A. Did you check for blood pressure?
W. No
A. Did you check for breathing?
W. No
A. So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
W. No.
A. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
W. Because his brain was sitting on my deck in a jar.
A. I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
W. Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.