Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

MASSAGING MAMMARIES
(Steady boys!)

A woman and baby are waiting in a doctor's consulting room
for the new baby's first examination. He enters and, concerned
about the baby's weight, checks it and asks if the baby is being
bottle fed.
'Breast fed,' she avers helpfully.
'Please strip to your waist,' orders the doctor.
She complies and he proceeds gently to pinch her nipples,
then press, knead and rub her breasts in a very professional manner.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he declares:
'No wonder this baby is underweight; you don't have any milk!'
'I know,' she agrees amiably,
'I'm his grandma, but I'm very glad I attended here today.'

[Eman]

[keithgood838]

I think you enjoyed that one, Eman.
Let's continue the theme:

BREASTING DEVELOPMENTS
(A true report of an interview on cause
of Mad Cow disease)

TV reporter to farmer: 'I'm here to collect data on possible
sources of this bovine scourge. Can you offer any enlightenment?'

Farmer: 'Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?'

Embarrassed reporter: 'Well sir, thanks for that information but
I can't see its relevance.'

Farmer: 'Miss, did you know that we milk each cow twice a day?'

Impatient reporter: 'Sir, this information is also new to me, but can we get
to the point?'

Farmer: 'Imagine if I were stimulating your charms twice a day, and only
satisfying you one a year, wouldn't you get mad?'

[karl]

Keith with your recent jokes, is that what they mean when they say keeping abreast of the times?

[Eman]

LOL - Karl!!

Keith, you're killing me man!! . I showed some of your jokes to my boss and he died laughing.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Great jokes as always Keith. Thanks for the laughs.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Coming from County Kilburn,.....so called due to it's high population of Irish people, here are few jokes that may put a smile on your face.

Paddy got to talk to a punter at the races. Hi Paddy do you want the winner of the next race.
OH No tanks, I've only got a small garden.

Paddy and Mick found Three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
What if one explodes before we get ther says Paddy.
Oh we'll say we only found Two.

Mick walks in to Paddy's barn and finds him dancing naked in font of a tractor. Mick says ..Paddy what are you doing.
Well me and Marry haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and my therapist recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor.

Paddy said to Mick. Christmas is on a Friday this year.
Mick said,..Lets hope it's not the 13th.

[karl]

Working people frequently ask retired people what tey do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on , man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "asshole". He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a "shit head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age

[Marian]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the cab, and the driver says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Fred.'


Passenger: 'Who?'


Taxi-driver: ' Fred Feldman . He's a guy who did everything exactly right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Fred Feldman every single time.'


Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'


Taxi-driver: 'No sir - not Fred Feldman . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the U.S. Open at tennis. He could play golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was truly an amazing fella.'


Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'


Taxi-driver: 'There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday, anniversary or any other significant date. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I can't change a fuse but, if I try to, the whole street blacks out. But Fred Feldman , he could do everything right'


Passenger: 'Wow, some amazing man then.'


Taxi-driver: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But that Fred, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was absolutely the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one in their right mind could ever measure up to Fred Feldman.'


Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'






Taxi-driver: 'Well, I never actually met Fred, he passed away ... I married his widow.

[Eman]

Happy Friday, Lena and Harry, Marian and Karl, Thanks for the early morning laugh!! Now if Keith could provide the icing on the cake, my day will be set!!

[keithgood838]

Tasty stuff indeed from L&H, Marian and Karl, Eman.
If not icing on the cake, let me try to put some sauce on
their culinary creations:

TALIBAN TRIBULATIONS

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, is plodding through
the Afghan desert when he spies something far off in the
distance. Hoping to find water, he hurries toward the oasis
only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
He enquires: 'Do you have water?'
The soldier replies: 'There is no water; the well is dry.
But would you like to buy a tie instead, they're only £10.'
In exasperation the Taliban shouts: 'You idiot infidel! I do not
need an over-priced tie; I need water! I should kill you, but
I must find water first.'
'Okay,' replies the soldier tolerantly, 'it does not matter to me
that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am a much better human being than you
are. If you continue over that hill to the east about three kilometres
you will find our Sergeants' Mess. It has all the ice-cold water you need.'
'Inshallah!'
Cursing his luck and the eccentric British soldier selling ties in the middle
of the desert, whatever next, the Taliban drags himself away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggers back and is greeted by the tie seller:
'Didn't you find the Sergeants' Mess?'
The distraught, dehydrated Taliban splutters:
'They wouldn't let me in without an effing tie!'

[Eman]

Keith, ROTFLMBO

[Marian]

Keith

[karl]

Eamon you're American shouldn't it be ROTFLMAO???

[Eman]

Nope Karl the B is the American slang of tjhe Euro B lol