Marian
Today's Joke
-
keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
An NHS bigwig was being taken on a tour of a newly opened
hospital. The first patient they met exclaimed:
'Ye banks and braes o' bonnie Doon.'
The second patient greeted them in song:
'My love is like a red red rose
that's newly sprung in June;
my love is like the melodie
that's sweetly played in tune.'
As they shook hands the third said:
'Of a' the airts the wind can blaw.'
'Why is everyone using a Scottish accent?'
enquired the VIP.
'This is the Burns unit,' came the reply
Keith
PS Burns Night occurs precisely one month
after Christmas Day. (Not many people,
outside Scotland, know that.)
hospital. The first patient they met exclaimed:
'Ye banks and braes o' bonnie Doon.'
The second patient greeted them in song:
'My love is like a red red rose
that's newly sprung in June;
my love is like the melodie
that's sweetly played in tune.'
As they shook hands the third said:
'Of a' the airts the wind can blaw.'
'Why is everyone using a Scottish accent?'
enquired the VIP.
'This is the Burns unit,' came the reply
Keith
PS Burns Night occurs precisely one month
after Christmas Day. (Not many people,
outside Scotland, know that.)
-
keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
THE HOTEL BILL
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston.
After 24 hours on the road they decide to book into a hotel for
a four-hour rest. When they check out four hours later the desk
clerk presents them with a bill for $350. The man explodes and
demands an explanation of the excessive charge.
'It's the standard charge at this hotel,' explains the clerk.
The incensed guest demands to see the manager. He appears
and explains that the hotel comprises an Olympic-size swimming
pool and huge conference centre.
'But we didn't use them,' howls the man.
'Well they are here and you could have,' replies the manager,
who goes on to point out that they could have taken in any of
the shows for which the hotel was famous.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man.
'Well they are here and you could have,' replies the manager.
In exasperation the man gives up and writes a cheque and hands
it to the manager.
'But sir,' he splutters,' this cheque is made out for only $50.
'That's right,' replies the man, 'I've charged you $300 for sleeping
with my wife.'
'But I didn't,' moans the manager.
'Well, too bad,' replies the man,
'she was here and you could have.'
Keith
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston.
After 24 hours on the road they decide to book into a hotel for
a four-hour rest. When they check out four hours later the desk
clerk presents them with a bill for $350. The man explodes and
demands an explanation of the excessive charge.
'It's the standard charge at this hotel,' explains the clerk.
The incensed guest demands to see the manager. He appears
and explains that the hotel comprises an Olympic-size swimming
pool and huge conference centre.
'But we didn't use them,' howls the man.
'Well they are here and you could have,' replies the manager,
who goes on to point out that they could have taken in any of
the shows for which the hotel was famous.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man.
'Well they are here and you could have,' replies the manager.
In exasperation the man gives up and writes a cheque and hands
it to the manager.
'But sir,' he splutters,' this cheque is made out for only $50.
'That's right,' replies the man, 'I've charged you $300 for sleeping
with my wife.'
'But I didn't,' moans the manager.
'Well, too bad,' replies the man,
'she was here and you could have.'
Keith
-
keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
WISH FULFILMENT
A man enters a restaurant accompanied by an ostrich.
'What can I get you?'
enquires the waitress.
'Cod and chips and a cup of tea,'
replies the man and turning to his feathered friend asks,
'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' replies the ostrich.
Upon returning with the order the waitress
announces, 'That'll be £10.60 please.'
The man reaches into his pocket and miraculously
produces the exact amount.
The following day the procedure is repeated whereby
the man instantly produces the correct amount of cash
to pay for the identical meals.
This becomes routine until the duo enter the restaurant
again a week later.
'The usual?' smiles the waitress.
'No, this time I intend to titillate my taste-buds,
I'll have the sirloin steak with mushrooms, onions
and roast potatoes,' replies the man, salivating at the prospect.
'Same for me, please,' chortles the ostrich.
A while later, the waitress brings the order and says,
'What'll be £22.42, please.'
Whereupon the man once more thrusts his hand into his pocket
and immediately comes up with the exact amount to pay the bill.
The waitress can contain her curiosity no longer.
'Forgive me for asking, sir, but how do you manage to have
the right amount of money in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' replies the man, 'some years ago I found an old lamp
in the attic and when I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that whenever I had to pay
for anything, I would put my hand in my pocket and the exact
amount of money would be there.'
'That's wonderful, you'll be rich as long as you live,'
gushes the waitress,
'But sir, what's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs and replies,
'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bottom and long legs
who agrees with everything I say.'
Keith
A man enters a restaurant accompanied by an ostrich.
'What can I get you?'
enquires the waitress.
'Cod and chips and a cup of tea,'
replies the man and turning to his feathered friend asks,
'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' replies the ostrich.
Upon returning with the order the waitress
announces, 'That'll be £10.60 please.'
The man reaches into his pocket and miraculously
produces the exact amount.
The following day the procedure is repeated whereby
the man instantly produces the correct amount of cash
to pay for the identical meals.
This becomes routine until the duo enter the restaurant
again a week later.
'The usual?' smiles the waitress.
'No, this time I intend to titillate my taste-buds,
I'll have the sirloin steak with mushrooms, onions
and roast potatoes,' replies the man, salivating at the prospect.
'Same for me, please,' chortles the ostrich.
A while later, the waitress brings the order and says,
'What'll be £22.42, please.'
Whereupon the man once more thrusts his hand into his pocket
and immediately comes up with the exact amount to pay the bill.
The waitress can contain her curiosity no longer.
'Forgive me for asking, sir, but how do you manage to have
the right amount of money in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' replies the man, 'some years ago I found an old lamp
in the attic and when I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that whenever I had to pay
for anything, I would put my hand in my pocket and the exact
amount of money would be there.'
'That's wonderful, you'll be rich as long as you live,'
gushes the waitress,
'But sir, what's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs and replies,
'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bottom and long legs
who agrees with everything I say.'
Keith
-
keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
MAKING A RICKETTS
A report today by the House of Commons foreign affairs
select committee states that Glencairn House, the British
ambassador's residence in Dublin, was sold for £6.26 million
in 1999. Its replacement, Marley Grange, was purchased
the following year but no survey of the property was conducted
until after the transaction had been completed. Subsequently,
it became clear that renovation and the removal of asbestos
would be very expensive. Compounding the blunder, the
Foreign Office allowed the property to languish on the market
during the boom years before finally selling it after the Irish
property bubble had burst.
Sir Peter Ricketts, permanent under-secretary at the Foreign
Office, admitted the department had incurred a total loss of
£1.38 million.
The 'joke' here is at the expense, yet again, of the hapless
British taxpayer.
Keith
A report today by the House of Commons foreign affairs
select committee states that Glencairn House, the British
ambassador's residence in Dublin, was sold for £6.26 million
in 1999. Its replacement, Marley Grange, was purchased
the following year but no survey of the property was conducted
until after the transaction had been completed. Subsequently,
it became clear that renovation and the removal of asbestos
would be very expensive. Compounding the blunder, the
Foreign Office allowed the property to languish on the market
during the boom years before finally selling it after the Irish
property bubble had burst.
Sir Peter Ricketts, permanent under-secretary at the Foreign
Office, admitted the department had incurred a total loss of
£1.38 million.
The 'joke' here is at the expense, yet again, of the hapless
British taxpayer.
Keith
-
keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Lovely
Hi Anna
Thanks for being the luminary who officially declared open
this forum's comedy store.
CASINO COUP
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived in the big city
headed straight for the casino and placed a $20.000 bet
on a single roll of the dice.
'I hope you won't mind,' she trilled,
'but I always feel luckier when I'm not fully clothed.'
Then she eye-poppingly stripped to the waist and yelled,
'Come on, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop she squealed, 'Yes! Yes!
I've won! I've won!'
She then hugged both of the dealers, scooped up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stared at each other in bemusement.
Finally one of them gasped,
'What did she roll?'
His colleague complained,
'I don't know, I thought you were watching.'
The moral of the story:
Not all Irish are stupid, not all blondes are dumb,
but (as JJ sang) men will always be men.
Keith
Thanks for being the luminary who officially declared open
this forum's comedy store.
CASINO COUP
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived in the big city
headed straight for the casino and placed a $20.000 bet
on a single roll of the dice.
'I hope you won't mind,' she trilled,
'but I always feel luckier when I'm not fully clothed.'
Then she eye-poppingly stripped to the waist and yelled,
'Come on, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop she squealed, 'Yes! Yes!
I've won! I've won!'
She then hugged both of the dealers, scooped up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stared at each other in bemusement.
Finally one of them gasped,
'What did she roll?'
His colleague complained,
'I don't know, I thought you were watching.'
The moral of the story:
Not all Irish are stupid, not all blondes are dumb,
but (as JJ sang) men will always be men.
Keith
-
keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Lovely
DILEMMAS
The lady of the house picks up the ringing phone.
'The Bennett residence.'
'Mrs Bennett please.'
'Speaking.'
'Hello, Mrs Bennett, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical
Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's
biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr Bennett
also arrived and we are now unable definitely to identify
your husband's. Frankly, the results are bad or worse.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs Bennett asks hesitantly.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's
and the other tested positive for Aids, but we are unable
to tell which one is your husband's. We are very sorry.'
'That's dreadful, can't you carry out another test?'
Mrs Bennett enquires anxiously.
'Normally we can, however Medicare will only pay once
for such expensive tests.'
'So what do you suggest I do?'
'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home,
don't sleep with him.'
Keith
The lady of the house picks up the ringing phone.
'The Bennett residence.'
'Mrs Bennett please.'
'Speaking.'
'Hello, Mrs Bennett, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical
Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's
biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr Bennett
also arrived and we are now unable definitely to identify
your husband's. Frankly, the results are bad or worse.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs Bennett asks hesitantly.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's
and the other tested positive for Aids, but we are unable
to tell which one is your husband's. We are very sorry.'
'That's dreadful, can't you carry out another test?'
Mrs Bennett enquires anxiously.
'Normally we can, however Medicare will only pay once
for such expensive tests.'
'So what do you suggest I do?'
'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home,
don't sleep with him.'
Keith
Last edited by keithgood838 on Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Thanks Mariana
The following comes courtesy of our esteemed friend,
Ed, in Orlando:
SIGNS TO MAKE YOU SMILE
Sign over a gynaecologist's office:
'Doctor Jones at your cervix.'
In a podiastrist's clinic:
'Time wounds all heels.'
On a plumber's van:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
On another's plumber's van:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
On a church's billboard:
'Seven days without God makes one weak.'
At a tyre centre:
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
On an electrician's van:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
In a non-smoking area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action.'
On a maternity room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
At an optometrist's:
'If you don't see what you are looking for,
you've come to the right place.'
At a car dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
Outside a a car exhaust centre:
'No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming.'
In a vet's waiting room:
'Back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!'
Above the door of a funeral home:
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'
And don't forget the sign at a radiator shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
Keith
The following comes courtesy of our esteemed friend,
Ed, in Orlando:
SIGNS TO MAKE YOU SMILE
Sign over a gynaecologist's office:
'Doctor Jones at your cervix.'
In a podiastrist's clinic:
'Time wounds all heels.'
On a plumber's van:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
On another's plumber's van:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
On a church's billboard:
'Seven days without God makes one weak.'
At a tyre centre:
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
On an electrician's van:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
In a non-smoking area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action.'
On a maternity room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
At an optometrist's:
'If you don't see what you are looking for,
you've come to the right place.'
At a car dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
Outside a a car exhaust centre:
'No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming.'
In a vet's waiting room:
'Back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!'
Above the door of a funeral home:
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'
And don't forget the sign at a radiator shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
Keith
Last edited by keithgood838 on Thu Feb 12, 2009 1:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
It's a bit long this post, but does anyone want to know what's it's like being me?
If so, read on...
Follow these instructions if you’re planning a family…
Test 1 - Preparation Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 - Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaivour.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3 - Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other
obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5 - Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 - Going For a Walk Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 - Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend
to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 10 - TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11 - Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.
Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional
crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 - Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14 - Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work
You are now ready to have children
If so, read on...
Follow these instructions if you’re planning a family…
Test 1 - Preparation Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 - Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaivour.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3 - Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other
obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5 - Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 - Going For a Walk Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 - Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend
to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 10 - TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11 - Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.
Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional
crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 - Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14 - Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work
You are now ready to have children