Today's Joke

[Gray]

Made me smile too, Keith!

[keithgood838]

DOUBLESPEAK

Glad to have titillated your humour and poetry tastebuds, Eman and Gray.
The funniest TV sketch is, arguably, FOUR CANDLES. It's a British classic
based on equivocal enunciation, Eman, whose opening scene is a hardware
store in which an assistant lays four candles on the counter at the request
of a customer who strongly objects: 'No, fork 'andles, 'andles for forks!'
The action proceeds in similar cross purposes vein.
The term 'mondegreen' was coined by American author, Sylvia Wright.
It was a mishearing of an old Scottish ballad, 'They have slain the Earl of Murray
and laid him on the green.' Example thereof: 'My cross-eyed bear.'
Of course our Matt was renowned for his flawless diction, one of the many
attributes that grace his multi-faceted music.

[keithgood838]

PRE-CORONATION
(No, not that one!)

To call a halt to the boringly predictable
procession for all of us,
why don't the authorities now declare
Serena Williams queen of Roland Garros,
while leaving Djokavic and Federer et al
to try to wrest the crown from king Nadal?

[Eman]

Thank you Keith, you never fail to make me smile even at the most craziest moments.

[Marian]

THE SHOEBOX







A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.


They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.



For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll..'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'


'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling all those damned dolls" !!

[keithgood838]

Welcome back Marian, other forum humorists please follow.
(Sneaked in seconds before mine, apologies Marian.)

MORE MEDIA MISPRINTS

Towards the end of the day souffles broke in the crowd.
(Daily Star report on the Notting Hill Carnival)

'This budget leakage is something that has to stop,'
insisted the President, with what seemed to be more
than a trace of irrigation in his voice.
(State Times, Jackson Missouri)

The best plan is to hold the bottle firmly and remove
the cook as gently as possible.
(Women's Magazine)

A heavy pall of lust covered the upper two-thirds of of Texas
last night and was expected to drift south-east over the state
by morning.
(Yankton Press)

The ladies of Cherry Street Church have discarded clothing
of all kinds. Call at 44 North Cherry Street for inspection.
(Louisiana paper)

Let there be no misunderstanding. A mating of two champion
sheepdogs is more likely to produce a super Border Collie than
the mating of two champion cattle or horses.
(Scotsman)

[keithgood838]

ROLAND GARROS ROYALTY

Parading their regal supremacy
in round after tennis round,
the queen and king of the French Open
are ceremonially crowned;
but failing to pay due homage
with a money-spinning bet
has left this subject bemoaning
his wafer-thin wallet ...
While the crushed-brick battle
scenes roll on
to the greenswards of Wimbledon.

[keithgood838]

DOMESTIC DISCOURSE

A wife acquires a new Sim card; she records it in her phone
and decides to phone her husband who is watching t.v.
in the lounge. She enters the kitchen and calls her husband
with her new number: 'Hello darling!'
He replies in subdued tones: 'Let me call you back later honey,
the stupid woman is in the kitchen.'

A husband is throwing knives at his wife's picture.
All are missing the target. Suddenly he receives a call
from her: 'Hi, what are doing?'
'Missing you!'

Doctor: 'Madam, your husband needs some rest and peace,
here are some sleeping pills.'
Wife: 'When should I give them to him?'
Doctor: 'They are for you!'

'Dear mother-in-law, don't teach me how to handle my children.
I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.'

[Eman]

Lol Keith!! Thanks for taking my workday blues away

[keithgood838]

Glad to engender a few giggles, Eman.

DIAGNOSTIC DETERMINANT

The irritant skin ailment, urticaria, also has two informal
names: nettle rash and hives. Diagnosis therefore depends
on whether you are a gardener or beekeeper.

[keithgood838]

BACKTRACKING

A man with chronic back problems reluctantly agrees
to be referred for chiropractic treatment even though
he has no faith in the specialism. With grave misgivings,
and some difficulty, he climbs onto the examination table
and lets the chiropractor get to work. Half an hour later
he leaps to the floor and seems to be completely cured.
'What do you think of chiropractors now?' enquires the
chiropractor triumphantly.
'I stand corrected.'

[Eman]

Keith, keep em' comin!!

[keithgood838]

Glad to oblige, Eman.

URSINE UPPISHNESS

Three creatures, a hawk, a lion and a skunk,
are arguing about their relative fearsomeness.
The hawk squawks that it's the most fearsome
because it is the fastest. The lion growls that
it is the most fearsome as it's the strongest.
The skunk asserts that it is the most fearsome
because of its foul smell.
Just then a bear ambles along and swallows them
all: hawk, lion and stinker.

[ROBERT M.]

another good one Keith.

[Marian]

This is the 21st century


I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.



"This is the 21st century," she said. “I don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.