Today's Joke

[karl]

Don't tell me I'm gonna have to pck up the pilot for MY flight on Thursday!!!

[keithgood838]

Here are a few thoughts to speed you (and possibly your pilot)
on your way, Karl.

ACTUAL AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS

The weather at our destination is 30 degrees with some broken clouds.
They'll try to have them fixed before we arrive

We ask you to remain seated with seatbelts fastened while Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal

Thank you for flying with us; we hope you enjoyed giving us your business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride

There may be fifty ways to leave your lover,
but there only four ways out of this airplane

[karl]

These are from a book called Disorder In The American Courts and are things people actually
said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the
torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: What gear wer eyou in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there

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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s**tt**g ME?
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATDTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS; By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your apperance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I sent your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them, the live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral
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And last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you perfrmed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk ijn a jar
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[keithgood838]

Let us maintain Karl's lawyer motif:

TAKING SIDES

A legal eagle suffering from insomnia consults his doctor:
'Which side is it best to lie on?' he enquires.
'The side that pays your fee, as ever,' replies the doctor.

[keithgood838]

WORD POWER

A thoughtless plural deployed as a joke
in daft disparagement of womenfolk;
by depicting his audience as sluts
he punched his party in the ample guts;
the missile misfired by the tongue of Bloom
was the shell that spelled his political doom.

[Eman]

Ha ha..Keith and Karl, you slay me!! Keep em' comin!!!

[ROBERT M.]

WORD POWER

A thoughtless plural deployed as a joke
in daft disparagement of womenfolk;
by depicting his audience as sluts
he punched his party in the ample guts;
the missile misfired by the tongue of Bloom
was the shell that spelled his political doom.

I think Godfreys statement was a "Bloom-in" cheek

His political job prospects are now far from "Bloom-in"

[keithgood838]

APTNESS & APTITUDE

My Penguin English dictionary gives as one definition of bloomer,
'a stupid or embarrassing blunder'.
In the context of gaffe-prone Godfrey it is exquisitely apt.
On the St James's touchline yesterday
Hull Tigers manager celebrated receiving a big Brucie bonus
in a manner that seemed endearingly inept.

[Eman]

LOL..you guys made my Sunday!! LOL

[ROBERT M.]

Keith, we are still Hull City AFC ...............hopefully the Allams will change their minds over the name Hull Tigers

[keithgood838]

Robert, forgive me but as a neutral I prefer the new Hull Tigers
appellation, redolent of the fearful symmetry of Blake's 'Tyger Tyger
burning bright', and the 'dread grasp its terrors clasp'.
Most clubs have dropped the fusty old 'Association' tag; they
prefer to dissociate themselves from it.
I'm surprised that a forward-thinking fellow such as yourself
feels uncomfortable with 21st century terminology.

[ROBERT M.]

It's not really the AFC part Keith, but we are known as Hull City which is the name I like, and have alway's liked ................but it does looks like it will be Hull Tigers shortly ...............ROAR

[keithgood838]

GROWL

Robert, if you persevere and stick tigerishly to your position
you may yet prevail in the struggle for semantic supremacy.

[keithgood838]

THE NATURAL RESOURCES
(of the no-longer-young)

Silver in the hair,
gold in the teeth,
crystals in the kidneys,
lead in the butt
(less in the pencil),
iron in the arteries,
and an endless supply
of methane gas.

I'll never be over the hill -
I'm too darn tired to climb it.

[Eman]

Ha ha ace Keith, and yeah I can relate!! LOL