Today's Joke
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Hi L&H
Ask Eileen to sing, Are You Right There, Michael?
It's a funny folk song about the decrepit old West Clare
Railway which sued the composer, Percy French,
for libel; he counter-claimed for being made late for
an appointment, won his case and was awarded one penny
by the judge. Only in Ireland, God bless it.
What to you call an Irish double glazing salesman?
Paddy O'Doors.
Keith
Ask Eileen to sing, Are You Right There, Michael?
It's a funny folk song about the decrepit old West Clare
Railway which sued the composer, Percy French,
for libel; he counter-claimed for being made late for
an appointment, won his case and was awarded one penny
by the judge. Only in Ireland, God bless it.
What to you call an Irish double glazing salesman?
Paddy O'Doors.
Keith
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Lena & Harry Smith
- Posts: 21514
- Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:05 am
- Location: London UK
John. yes you can be my hairdresser, ..hope your charges don't give us the same shock that our gas bill did today. 
Hi Keith, i'll ask Eileen if she's heard "Are You Right There Michael".
Eileen unfortunately was behind schedule today Marian so we didn't have time to show her the joke, but if she hasn't been there herself you can bet she knows someone who has.
Here's another to go on with. .
Pat and Mike had been drinking pals for years and after a few pints in a bar Mick turns to pat and says.. We have been friends for years and if I should die before you do, would you do me a favour. ..
get the best bottle of Irish Whiskey and pour it over my grave.
Pat replied, ..I would be glad to do that for you my friend, but would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first.
Hi Keith, i'll ask Eileen if she's heard "Are You Right There Michael".
Eileen unfortunately was behind schedule today Marian so we didn't have time to show her the joke, but if she hasn't been there herself you can bet she knows someone who has.
Here's another to go on with. .
Pat and Mike had been drinking pals for years and after a few pints in a bar Mick turns to pat and says.. We have been friends for years and if I should die before you do, would you do me a favour. ..
get the best bottle of Irish Whiskey and pour it over my grave.
Pat replied, ..I would be glad to do that for you my friend, but would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first.
Yet another joke..
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother Was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1. He was at peace with nature
2.. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just Didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still Work to do.
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother Was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1. He was at peace with nature
2.. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just Didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still Work to do.
JUST FOR THE PUN OF IT:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
'HELL HATH NO FURY ...'
A disillusioned husband, wearied of his loveless, incompatible
marriage, fell for and moved in with his sister-in-law. He left
a note for his wife:
'I'm fed up with our meaningless relationship, and I have left
you for your your sister, Carla.'
To which his wife wrote in reply:
'I'm sorry you felt it necessary to resort to such drastic, disloyal
action. I think you should know, however, that I have just won
£2 million on the Lottery, and by the way, Carla was named Carl
after she was born.'
Keith
A disillusioned husband, wearied of his loveless, incompatible
marriage, fell for and moved in with his sister-in-law. He left
a note for his wife:
'I'm fed up with our meaningless relationship, and I have left
you for your your sister, Carla.'
To which his wife wrote in reply:
'I'm sorry you felt it necessary to resort to such drastic, disloyal
action. I think you should know, however, that I have just won
£2 million on the Lottery, and by the way, Carla was named Carl
after she was born.'
Keith
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Some 60s artistes are revising their hits
with lyrics to accommodate baby boomers:
How Can You Mend A broken Hip?
(The Beegees)
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
(Roberta Flack)
I Can't See Clearly Now
(Johnny Nash)
Fifty ways To Lose Your Liver
(Paul Simon)
One, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
(The Commodores)
I Get By With A Little help From Depends
(Ringo Starr)
A Whiter Shade of Hair
(Procol Harum)
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
(Leo Sayer)
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
(The Temptations)
Denture Queen
(Abba)
It's My procedure and I'll Cry if I Want to
(Leslie Gore)
On The Commode Again
(Willie Nelson)
The foregoing with compliments
of our dear friend, Ed, In Orlando.
Keith
with lyrics to accommodate baby boomers:
How Can You Mend A broken Hip?
(The Beegees)
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
(Roberta Flack)
I Can't See Clearly Now
(Johnny Nash)
Fifty ways To Lose Your Liver
(Paul Simon)
One, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
(The Commodores)
I Get By With A Little help From Depends
(Ringo Starr)
A Whiter Shade of Hair
(Procol Harum)
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
(Leo Sayer)
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
(The Temptations)
Denture Queen
(Abba)
It's My procedure and I'll Cry if I Want to
(Leslie Gore)
On The Commode Again
(Willie Nelson)
The foregoing with compliments
of our dear friend, Ed, In Orlando.
Keith
Last edited by keithgood838 on Thu Apr 09, 2009 5:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
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cmartin_ok
- Posts: 104
- Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:27 pm
- Location: Surrey, UK
Following on from Marian's list above.......
A building site for new public conveniences in the town centre was burgled at the week-end. All the porcelain was removed.
Police say that they have nothing to go on........
A building site for new public conveniences in the town centre was burgled at the week-end. All the porcelain was removed.
Police say that they have nothing to go on........
Please call me Chris, and see some of my photos at
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cmartin_ok
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cmartin_ok
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
A novel is a work of fiction Marian(a), dictionary definition:
a feigned or false story. Now let us be ageist instead:
LOVEMAKING FOR SENIORS
(1) Wear your spectacles. Make sure your partner
is actually in bed.
(2) Set timer for three minutes, in case you doze off.
(3) Set mood with lighting, turn them all off.
(4) Put 999 on speed-dial before you begin.
(5) Write your partner's name on your hand
in case you can't remember.
(6) Keep Ploygrip close by so your teeth
don't end up under the bed.
(7) Have Tynenol ready in case you actually
complete the act.
(8) If it works, phone everyone with the good news.
(9) Don't even think about performing an encore.
(10) In large type to facilitate reading.
Keith
a feigned or false story.
Now let us be ageist instead:LOVEMAKING FOR SENIORS
(1) Wear your spectacles. Make sure your partner
is actually in bed.
(2) Set timer for three minutes, in case you doze off.
(3) Set mood with lighting, turn them all off.
(4) Put 999 on speed-dial before you begin.
(5) Write your partner's name on your hand
in case you can't remember.
(6) Keep Ploygrip close by so your teeth
don't end up under the bed.
(7) Have Tynenol ready in case you actually
complete the act.
(8) If it works, phone everyone with the good news.
(9) Don't even think about performing an encore.
(10) In large type to facilitate reading.
Keith