Today's Joke

[maxine]

[keithgood838]

Funny one, Gray. I guess finding humour even in adversity
is a coping mechanism:

FORGETFULNESS FALLOUT

First you forget names and faces;
then you forget familiar faces,
but to forget to pull up your zipper
then walk into town
is less mortifying than forgetting
to pull it down.

[Eman]

LOL Gray and Keith..
Good to see both of you back!!

[keithgood838]

Thanks, Eman. We can even find humour in depression: I'm reminded
of the story about a Dublin manic depressive who declared to a friend:
'Sure, I was so depressed I could have thrown myself into the Liffey,
except I can't swim.'

[Eman]

Very true Keith!!

[Gray]

[Marian]

FUN QUOTES

As I hurtled through space, one
> thought kept crossing my mind -
> every part of this rocket was
> supplied by the lowest bidder.
>
> ~ John Glenn
>
> *****
>
> When the white missionaries came to
> Africa they had the Bible and we had
> the land. They said 'Let us pray.'
> We closed our eyes. When we opened
> them we had the Bible and they had
> the land.
>
> ~ Desmond Tutu
>
> *****
>
> America is the only country where a
> significant proportion of the
> population believes that
> professional wrestling is real but
> the moon landing was faked.
>
> ~ David Letterman
>
> *****
>
> I'm not a paranoid, deranged
> millionaire. God dammit, I'm a
> billionaire.
>
> ~ Howard Hughes
>
> *****
>
> After the game, the King and the
> pawn go into the same box.
>
> ~ Italian proverb
>
> *****
>
> The only reason they say 'Women and
> children first' is to test the
> strength of the lifeboats.
>
> ~ Jean Kerr
>
> *****
>
> I've been married to a communist and
> a fascist, and neither would take
> out the garbage.
>
> ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
>
> *****
>
> You know you're a redneck if your
> home has wheels and your car doesn't.
>
> ~ Jeff Foxworthy
>
> *****
>
> When a man opens a car door for his
> wife, it's either a new car or a new
> wife.
>
> ~ Prince Philip
>
> *****
>
> A computer once beat me at chess,
> but it was no match for me at
> kickboxing.
>
> ~ Emo Philips.
>
> *****
>
> Wood burns faster when you have to
> cut and chop it yourself.
>
> ~ Harrison Ford
>
> *****
>
> The best cure for sea sickness, is
> to sit under a tree.
>
> ~ Spike Milligan
>
> *****
>
> Lawyers believe a man is innocent
> until proven broke.
>
> ~ Robin Hall
>
> *****
>
> Kill one man and you're a murderer,
> kill a million and you're a conqueror.
>
> ~ Jean Rostand.
>
> *****
>
> Having more money doesn't make you
> happier. I have 50 million dollars
> but I'm just as happy as when I had
> 48 million.
>
> ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
>
> *****
>
> We are here on earth to do good unto
> others. What the others are here
> for, I have no idea.
>
> ~ WH Auden
>
> *****
>
> In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be
> the only guy who sits on the
> furniture naked.
>
> ~ Jonathan Katz
>
> *****
>
> If life were fair Elvis would still
> be alive today and all the
> impersonators would be dead.
>
> ~ Johnny Carson
>
> *****
>
> I don't believe in astrology. I am a
> Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
>
> ~ Arthur C Clarke
>
> *****
>
> Hollywood must be the only place on
> earth where you can be fired by a
> man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a
> baseball cap.
>
> ~ Steve Martin
>
> *****
>
> Home cooking. Where many a man
> thinks his wife is.
>
> ~ Jimmy Durante
>
> *****
>
> America is so advanced that even the
> chairs are electric.
>
> Doug Hamwell
>
> *****
>
> The first piece of luggage on the
> carousel never belongs to anyone.
>
> ~ George Roberts
>
> *****
>
> If God had intended us to fly he
> would have made it easier to get to
> the airport
>
> ~ Jonathan Winters
>
> *****
>
> I have kleptomania, but when it gets
> bad, I take something for it.
>
> ~ Robert Benchley

[ROBERT M.]

[Lena & Harry Smith]

.LEARNING THE HARD WAY. ..

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a man' about' town so to speak, but Maria was naïve and uninformed about the Birds And The Bees.
Pedro was a poor hardworking man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon, so that night they returned to his little shack.
When Pedro was undressing Maria said...Oh Pedro, what is that ? Pedro being very quick thinking said. ..Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these, and then he proceeded to show her what it was for and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
Pedro , you lied to me . You said that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gongalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed and he had one too.
Quick thinking Pedro said, Oh Maria Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had Two of them, so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of these.
Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home again that evening Maria was very upset and stamping her feet on the porch Pedro said...Maria what is the matter now..
Pedro you gave Gonzalez the best one.

[keithgood838]

L&H

MATTERS OF TRUST

'You can't trust anybody these days,' asserted my missus despairingly
on learning that the Animal Rescue shop on Barnet High Street hadn't
actually registered with any charity. The scam was exposed by the local
paper and the empty shop now stands as a sad testiment to man's duplicity.
However the affair reminded me of a couple of golfing incidents
relating to misplaced faith.
The weather looked ominously unfavourable during the BBC coverage
of a recent major event, which prompted co-commentator Mark James
to offer the following advice: 'The way to deal with stormy conditions
is to point your one-iron at the sky; even God can't hit a one-iron.'

On another occasion during a major event a player failed to get his ball
out of a bunker. Before his second attempt he crossed himself but alas
this time he left his ball plugged precariously under the lip of the hazard,
which moved commentator Peter Alliss to remark dolefully:
'You can't trust anybody these days.'

[Eman]

Lol Keith..

[keithgood838]

I hope this one will make you giggle, Eman:

THE HIGH FLIER

An attractive woman was dismayed to come across her
exciting new date in a supermarket: 'How come you are
working here; you told me you were a daredevil pilot?'
she declared angrily.
'No I didn't,' he retorted equally vexed.
'I said I was in an Ariel display unit!'

[keithgood838]

SCOTTISH D-DAY

So after centuries of niggling resentment
and attempts to disabuse,
a historic decision will be made this Thursday:
will women golfers be allowed to become
members of St Andrews
by the reactionary R&A?

[Marian]

Hee hee Keith! A very important decision indeed

[keithgood838]

Marian, I thought about heading this post: where have all the jokes gone?

ONE-LINER LAUGHS
(One hopes)

I'd like to start with chimney jokes;
I've got a stack of them. The first
one is on the house.

I've written a joke about a fat badger,
but I couldn't fit it into my set.

Money can't buy you happiness? Well,
check this out: I bought myself a happy meal.

Paintballing? I find it too emulsional.

I though Benefits Street was a budget box
of chocolates available at Lidl.

My wife told me: 'Sex is better on holiday.'
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.