Today's Joke

[ROBERT M.]

Good un Keith

[keithgood838]

I'll forgive the nominative pun, Robert. Also glad to see
you have recovered your sense of humour post Hull City's
demotion; maybe they'll bounce back to coincide with the
City of Culture celebrations.

LONGEVITY LUST

Agnes is celebrating her hundredth birthday and the local paper
sends round a young reporter to interview her. 'So, Mrs Smith,
to what do you attribute your long life?'
'Well,' states the old lady, 'I think a little of what you fancy
does you good. I've always eaten in moderation, drunk in moderation,
and hardly ever smoked; and I've always taken gentle exercise.'
'I see,' says the reporter, 'but your daughter tells me that you
have often been bedridden.'
'Of course I have,' asserts the indignant Agnes,
'but don't put that in your flipping newspaper!'

[keithgood838]

FUNERAL FOLLOW-UP

A funeral service is being conducted for a woman
who has recently passed away. At the end of the service,
the pall bearers are carrying the coffin out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan! They open the lid of the coffin
and are amazed to discover that the woman is still
alive. She lives another ten years before passing away
again. Once more, a funeral service is held and, at the
end of it, the pall bearers pick up the coffin and start
to carry it out of the church. As they approach the door
the husband cries out: 'This time will you watch out for
that bloody wall!'

[ROBERT M.]

[keithgood838]

1215
Remember Magna Carta - did she die in vain?

[keithgood838]

MEDICAL MIRTH

Patient; 'Doctor, I keep hallucinating about Mickey Mouse
and Donald Duck!'
Doctor: 'How long have you been having these Disney spells?'

A doctor and his wife were arguing about their sex life.
'You just don't pay any attention to my needs,' she complained.
He snarled: 'I do. It's you. You are dreadful in bed,'
as he stormed off to work.'
Mid-morning, the doctor realised he had over-reacted
and decided to call his wife at home.
The phone rang and rang and when she eventually answered
he enquired: 'Why did you take so long to answer the phone?'
'I was getting a second opinion.'

[keithgood838]

POLITICAL PEDANTRY

Surely Michael Gove is a fusspot cove;
he's been telling his civil servants
not to start a sentence with 'however'.
Since old guarded 'but' is in some circles
frowned upon
then what is left as a user option,
dismissive 'whatever'?

[keithgood838]

PECKING ORDER POSER

I was watching the London Marathon in which I saw
one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner
dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting ...'

[ROBERT M.]

.....so who finished in front of the other, the chicken or the egg

[keithgood838]

Robert, I think the egg cracked up, so the chicken won.

FAMILY FAME

Youngsters are obsessed with fame there days:
'Life isn't all about stardom and awards ceremonies,'
is what I told my grandkids, Oscar, Emmy and Brit.

[ROBERT M.]

FAMILY FAME

Youngsters are obsessed with fame there days:
'Life isn't all about stardom and awards ceremonies,'
is what I told my grandkids, Oscar, Emmy and Brit.

You missed out your other grandkid Tony, named after the .............Tony awards (theatre) .......

[keithgood838]

I wondered who would spot that omission; I should
have known it would be eagle-eyed Robert.

ANNE OWED TOO TIE-POSE

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea;
It plainly margues four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin not sea.

Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long,
And eye can put the error rite,
It's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no,
It's letter perfect awl the weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.

[ROBERT M.]

Zats kwite gud Keath

[keithgood838]

Hi Robert, my computer has just told me that today
is International Joke Day, as well as being the hottest day
of British weather since records began. I don't propose to
dwell on the weather any longer, however a joke seems
de rigueur:

COMPUTER COGNISANCE

A computer salesman is trying to sell a customer
a new computer that can answer absolutely any question.
The customer is intrigued but wants a convincing demo.
The customer asks the computer where his mother is.
'Your mother is staying with her sister in Exeter.'
The customer is amazed at the machine's accuracy.
The salesman seizes the moment and makes the sale.
As he is preparing to leave, the customer has another go
and asks the computer where his father is.
The computer unhesitatingly asserts: 'Your father is in
New York on a business trip.'
'Hold on a minute,' exclaims the customer, 'that's rubbish,
my father died two years ago!'
The computer immediately retorts: 'No, the man your mother
married has been dead for two years. Your father is on a business
trip in New York!'

[keithgood838]

CONTINUUM

Einstein developed a theory about space;
about time too.