Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

Thanks Ed.

THE WORDLESS WONDER

A male customer returned a parrot to a pet shop
where he had purchased it, and complained to the assistant:
'You told me she talks, but I haven't had a word out of her.'
'Did you take her to the zoo?' the assistant enquired.
'No,' the man replied.
'What about the park?'
'Not there either.'
'Well, it's obvious then,' the assistant asserted.
'She's sulking.'

Keith
(Any correlation between the parrot's gender
and demeanour is purely coincidental.)

[Marian]

>
>
> Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while.....!
> One guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from
> listening to you, that you're from Ireland ..'
>
> The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
>
> The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
> be'?
>
> The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
>
> The first guy responds, 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra. And what street
> did you live on in Dublin ?
>
> The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary
> Street in the old central part of town.'
>
> The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
> And to what school would you have been going'?
>
> The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
>
> The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what
> year did you graduate'?
>
> The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
>
> The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
> can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
> Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
>
> About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
> Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,
> 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
>
> Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
>
> 'The Murphy twins are p*****d again.'

[GregT]

Keith/Ed,
yes...the remark was probably a little flippant..in fact, I'd never heard the phrase used before until I saw the John Cusack film of the same name.
I have a few friends who are ATC's in Australia..and while their stress levels are no doubt high, they are as nothing to the colossal strain that
their U.S. counterparts are under.
There aren't many places in the world where you can get a clearance to fly your Cessna 150 over the top of a major international airport.
(definitely NOT in Oz)...
I dips me lid to you,Ed...!!
Greg

[Gray]

Very funny, Marian

[keithgood838]

A neat, and lightning, riposte to my sexist joke, Marian.

DOUBLE TROUBLE

No, not again, not Irish twins,
a daft discordant pair;
for their storm-raising sins,
making waves everywhere.

Keith

[usafret]

THANKS GREG, TIP OF THE OLE HAT TO YOU ALSO!
ED

[ROBERT M.]

One too many * Marian ..................

[keithgood838]

TIME'S TRAMMELLING TENDENCIES

Senior citizens are the world's leading carriers of Aids:

Hearing aids
Band aids
Roll aids
Walking aids
Medical aids
Government aids
and most of all: monetary aid to their kids.

Ed and Keith, experts in the field.

[keithgood838]

PAYMENTS PATOIS
(a la Checkmate Charlie)

Today be my baby girl 18th birthday.
I be so glad that dis be my last child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, all dose payments.

So I call my baby girl, Lakeesha, to come to my house
and when she get here, I say: 'Baby girl, I want you to take
dis cheque over to yo momma house
and tell her dis be the last cheque she ever be getting from me,
and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo momma face'.

So my baby girl take the cheque over to her momma.
I be anxious to hear what she say, and 'bout the 'spression on her face'.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say:
'Now what yo momma say 'bout that?'

She say to tell you that 'you ain't my daddy'.
And watch the 'spression on yo face!

Keith
(original email from Ed)

[keithgood838]

ELECTION IRONY

Surely the odious BNP leader, Nick Griffin,
is barking up the wrong tree by putting forward
his barking-mad fascist policies to be voted on
by the electors of Barking.
I hope the good burghers of that borough
will give the old bigot the bum's rush ...

Keith

[keithgood838]

TRANSGRESSION AND RETRIBUTION

Jack and his buddy Bob decided to go skiing.
They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After travelling for a few hours they got caught
in a severe blizzard and were unable to continue
their journey. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and enquired of the attractive lady who opened the door
to them whether they could seek shelter for the night.
'I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid, therefore,
that it would be inappropriate for you to stay in the house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack assured her.
'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. If the weather breaks
we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady kindly agreed.
About nine months later Jack received a letter from an attorney
acting on behalf of the widow they encountered on the skiing weekend.
On next meeting his friend Bob he enquired:
'Do you remember that good-looking widow we stayed with
on our skiing trip up north?'
'Yes,' replied Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the night and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes,' Bob said falteringly, embarrassed about being found out.
'And did you also happen to give her my name instead of your own?'
Bob's face turned scarlet as he admitted:
'Yeah, look I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did,
why do you ask?'
'She died and left me everything.'

Keith
(Another rib-tickler from our Ed.)

[ROBERT M.]

[keithgood838]

Thanks Robert, glad you were amused by it.
Here's another from Ed's well-stocked comedy store.

WOMEN'S WOES

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.
Mine isn't all that communicative, however it responded
the other day after I suggested:
'Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class
in vigorous toning?'
Bell-clear my body responded:
'Listen fatty ... Do it and die.'

My mind not only wanders,
it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles
is to wear tight shoes.

Amazing! You hang something in the wardrobe
for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

The nice thing about living in a small town is:
when you don't know what you're doing,
everyone else does.

But remember ladies, good friends are like stars,
you don't always see them but you know they're there.

Keith

[keithgood838]

THE HAPPY HEDONIST

An elderly man entered a jeweller's one Friday in the late
afternoon with a beautiful young woman on his arm.
He announced that his mission was to splash out on an expensive ring
for her. The jeweller's opening gambit was a diamond costing £5.000.
'No,' asserted the old gent, 'I'd like something even more pleasing to the eye.'
The jeweller then produced a larger diamond in a cluster of emeralds,
valued at £40.000.
The young lady's body trembled with excitement and her eyes
sparklingly co-ordinated with the exquisite ring.
'We'll take it,' exclaimed the elderly man emphatically.
The jeweller enquired as to the method of payment
to which came the reply:
'By cheque. I'll write it out now and you can call my bank
on Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up then.'
On Monday the jeweller phoned the old gent:
'There's no money in that account,' he muttered disconsolately.
'I know, but let me tell you about my wonderful weekend,'
the old guy gushed,
'it was the stuff of dreams.'

Keith

[ROBERT M.]

Well, there's no answer to that one Keith ................the lucky beggar