Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

SHIFT SKIVING

An employee enters his boss's office:
'Boss I need the day off tomorrow to do
some heavy house cleaning, and my wife
needs me to help with shifting stuff out
of the attic, the shed and the garage.
She also needs me to help with scrubbing
down all the cupboards.'
'I'm sorry,' replies his boss, 'but we're very
short of staff at the moment. I cannot let
you have the day off tomorrow.'
'Thanks boss, I knew I could rely on you.'

[Eman]

LOL Thanks Keith.
Your joke lifted my spirits after the news about Donna Summer.

[keithgood838]

Hi Eman
I'm delighted that the joke proved such
an instantaneous antidote to your feelings of sadness.
Actually your thoughtful post brought forth
the following little verse; however as I have only
just written it, it is subject to possible revision.

HUMOUR

Laughter reflects through radiance in the eyes
a soul relieved of pain;
a laugh dispels the dark clouds of your skies
like sunshine after rain,
and silences sad heart-engendered sighs
via the endorphined brain.

Keith Good

[karl]

Eamon will love this (and possibly Keith)

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game, three rowdy men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, 'I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there...'

The second guy spoke up and said, 'I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 Catholics living there...'

The third guy spoke up and said, 'I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there...'

One of the nuns turned around and looked at the men and calmly said,

'Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there!'

[Eman]

LOL!!! Right on for the Nuns!!

[karl]

CHANGES TO THE NHS

The British Medical Association has weighed in against Cameron's heatlh care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it.

The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it.

The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea to be short-sighted.

The Patholiogists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

The Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow Up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.

The Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter..."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.

The Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas.

The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.

[Eman]

[keithgood838]

COURTEOUS COUPLET

Eman, I hope Humour is not a verse you missed;
it would be a shame since you were its catalyst.

ANNOUNCEMENT AMBIGUITY

I have long lamented the low standard of English
that 'informs' our local television news, BBC London.
Yesterday in a trailer for the evening bulletin they regaled
us with: 'Police are retaining the mobile phones of stop/search
victims even though they have not been charged.'



PRECOCIOUSNESS PERSONIFIED

Larry and Lucy are only 10 years old but know they
are in love. They decide they must marry so Larry
approaches Lucy's dad:
'Mr Smith, Lucy and I are in love with each other
so I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'
Mr Smith smiles indulgently:
'Larry you're only 10 years old, where do you propose
to live?'
Without hesitation Larry asserts: 'In Lucy's room,
it's bigger than mine and we will fit in there nicely.'
Falling for the appeal of this child-fantasy, a grinning
Mr Smith says: 'Okay, how will you live?'
Larry expounds impressively: Our allowance: Lucy gets
£5 and I get £10 a week. £60 a month should be just fine.'
'Well Larry, you seem to have everything worked out.
But what if you have children of your own?'
'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

[karl]

Good one but there's a word missing from the second last line Keith!

[Eman]

Keith, I didn't miss it! I was touched by your poem! Thank you. I actually copied it and put it under the glass of my desk! Once again thank you my friend!!

[karl]

[keithgood838]

Glad you didn't miss the piece Eman. Karl I love
your nun joke and will pass it on when I have given it a title.
Thanks for spotting my missing word. It's funny
how one doesn't see one's own typos.
Regarding your most recent post, what is that needs
to be explained?

[karl]

It wasn't you that needed to explain Keith it was Eamon, but we sorted it out.

[Eman]

Keith, all's well that ends well. Yes it has been sorted out as Karl has said.
I was really moved and touch that you would write something for me and my sadness for Donna Summer and it also could be for anyone else such as Davy Jones. I just feel that all my childhood/youth icons are slowly passing. Thank you once again.

[ROBERT M.]

Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."