Today's Joke

[mariana44]

Clever stuff, Keith & Robert .

[Marian]

I've seen this one before, but hopefully not here..

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family..
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren..
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone!

Life has now been explained to you.

[mariana44]

I have never seen that one before, Marian--very clever.

[keithgood838]

DEPOSIT DUPLICITY

A male customer entered a bank in America
and requested a $2,000 loan over a period of two weeks.
'What kind of collateral can you provide?' enquired the clerk.
'I drive a Rolls-Royce,' replied the man, 'I'm prepared to offer that.'
The transaction was concluded to everyone's satisfaction
and a member of staff drove the vehicle to the bank car park for safe keeping.
Two weeks later the customer returned and paid back the loan
plus $10 interest.
'Forgive me,' ventured the clerk apologetically,
'but why would an affluent man like you borrow a mere $2,000?'
'I often go abroad on business trips,' replied the man, winking knowingly.
'Where else could I get such low-cost parking for two weeks?'

[keithgood838]

CONVOLUTED CUCKOLDRY

A woman was in bed with her husband's best friend
when the phone rang. After hanging up she turned
to her lover and whispered:
'That was Tom, but don't worry, he won't be home
for a while. He's playing cards with you'.

[keithgood838]

GOLFING GENERALITIES
(courtesy of Ed)

Golf is harder than baseball;
in golf you have to play your foul balls.

Golf can best be defined as an endless series
of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle,
followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf is a game in which your most feared opponent
is yourself.

Golf is like marriage; if you take yourself
too seriously it won't work, and is expensive.

GOLF COURSE SIGN
You are 150 yards from the centre of the green
and 175 yards from a $200 glass window.
Choose your club carefully.

[keithgood838]

ALCOHOL ABUSE

Peter, a painter and decorator, entered a hardware store
and told the assistant he wanted to buy a bottle of methylated spirit.
'Before I sell it to you,' declared the assistant,
'I need to see your ID and proof of age.'
'What,' stormed Peter, 'I don't carry that kind of paperwork
around with me.'
'I'm sorry sir,' insisted the assistant, 'but I have to abide
by the new Misuse of Alcohol Act. Meths drinking can be a killer.'
'This is absurd,' complained Peter in a pained voice,
'you can see by my paint-stained overalls that I am a decorator.
I simply need the meths to clean my brushes.'
After much head-shaking and tut-tutting, the assistant reluctantly relented:
'All right, I'll make an exception on this occasion.'
'Thank you' replied Peter.
'Can you make it a cold one?'

[Marian]

Peter is absolutely spot on for his age!!

Men's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot. Enjoy.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:



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In your 20's:


Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

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In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

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In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

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In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says,

'I Got Worms.'

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In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


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In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

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In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

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In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you?

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Oh, that's funny Marian, makes us think though doesn't it. The final and worrying reality is, if they reach a ton they could get lost walking round the garden. No problem for us, we've only got a veranda so if Harry's mind does go wonky, he can't go far

[ROBERT M.]

Harry might think he has to scale down Mount Everest

[ROBERT M.]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit
suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hotdogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some tw.t in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother in law !!!!
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You wipe your a.se with your hand
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else
- Your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"

No shit Sherlock!....
....It's not like it could get much bl..ding worse!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

On the other hand, to change their minds, a little cash pressed into the palm of their hands can work wonders

[mariana44]

This is one my sister sent me---it rings some bells with me..

AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

But I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[ROBERT M.]

Good one Marian .................has anyone wondered why the Americans spell it as checks which seems a bit nursery language to me

[keithgood838]

AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES

Silver in the hair

Gold in the teeth

Stones in the kidneys

Sugar in the blood

Lead in the feet

Iron in the arteries

And an inexaustible supply of natural gas

We senior citizens have a wealth
of wisdom to share too

Courtesy of esteemed member, Ed.