Food for Thought

[Marian]

Doh!!!!!!!

[Marian]

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then c**p on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ‘Theirs'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. (Not always!)

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
AMEN

[keithgood838]

FIGURING IT OUT

I confess to some difficulty in instantly recalling
the Arabic equivalents to Roman numerals:

I = 1
V = 5
X = 10
L = 50
C = 100
D = 500
M = 1000

So I have devised the following aide-memoire formula,
which is exclusive to Matt Monro aficionados and is
predicated on Matt's epithet 'the singer's singer'.

I Value Xylophones Like Crooners Dig Monro

(Well, it could come in handy on Quiz nights, etc.)

[Marian]

Clever Keith

You have to be a certain age to appreciate this. I still do some of it though!

THE BASIC RULES FOR CLOTHESLINES:


1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes--walk the entire lengths of each line with a damp cloth around the lines.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order, and always hang "whites" with "whites," and hang them first.

3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders, always by the tail! What would the neighbors think?

4. Wash day on a Monday! . .. . Never hang clothes on the Weekend, or Sunday, for Heaven's sake!

5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your "unmentionables" in the middle (perverts & busybodies, y'know!).

6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero
weather....clothes would "freeze-dry."

7. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes! Pins left on the lines were "tacky!"

8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the clothes pins with the next washed item.

9. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket, and ready to be ironed.

10. IRONED? Well, that's a whole other
subject!

A CLOTHESLINE POEM

A clothesline was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by,
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew,
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the "fancy sheets"
And towels upon the line;
You'd see the "company table cloths"
With intricate designs.

The line announced a baby's birth
From folks who lived inside -
As brand new infant clothes were hung,
So carefully with pride!

The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed,
You'd know how much they'd grown!

It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.

It also said, "Gone on holiday now"
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged, with not an inch to spare!

New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy and gray,
As neighbors carefully raised their brows,
And looked the other way.

But clotheslines now are of the past,
For dryers make work much less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess!

I really miss that way of life. It was a friendly sign.
When neighbours knew each other best by what hung on the line.

[ROBERT M.]

what if Monday was pi.sing down with rain Marian .....................

[Marian]

You still did the washing Robert, it just took longer to dry!

[Gray]

[keithgood838]

HORSES FOR COURSES

Clothes lines don't move me, Marian,
not even in history's context;
but verse lines reliably can:
for to godliness, they are next.

[Marian]

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.

It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.


Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.


Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.


Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.



Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.


Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. My desk is a work station.


Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?


Ø Some people are like Slinkys ... not really good for anything, but you
can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.


Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.


Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.


Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it.


Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."


Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said
"Implants?"


Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.


Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?


Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.


Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!


Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.


Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
>
>
> Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
>
>
> Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

>
>
> Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
>
>
> Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
>
>
> Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
>
>
> Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
>
>
> Ø I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and
a shot of tequila.
>
>
> Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.
>
>
> Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.


Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
>
> Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
>
>
> Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
>
>
> Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

That's so good Marian, and I never thought i'd smile again after the day and evening lumbered with workmen.
Another quote regarding money..... Money isn't everything but it rates right up there with oxygen

[ROBERT M.]

---How true is this. Scary
At first I thought this was funny....Then I realised the awful truth of
it.

Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

And Now they want a bloody Carbon Tax !

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of
the
most prosperous in the world.. We had absolutely no national debt, had a
large middle class, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the "Hell" happened? Can you spell ’ lying parasite politicians
wasting our money’ ?

And then, there are the bank charges !

[cmartin_ok]

That's so good Marian, and I never thought i'd smile again after the day and evening lumbered with workmen.
Another quote regarding money..... Money isn't everything but it rates right up there with oxygen

Who was it (film star I think) who said
"I've been rich and unhappy, and poor and unhappy and I can tell you....
the money sure helps" ?

Back to the "Thoughts":
Experience is what enables us to recognise a mistake the second time that we make it

Also following on from Marian's list, whenever I see a sign that says simply
"Wet Paint"
I wonder if it is an instruction or a warning

[Lena & Harry Smith]

I think it was Michael Caine who said I've been poor and i've been rich, and rich is better Chris.

[ROBERT M.]

Thanks for letting us know L&H...........because not a lot of people know that

[Marian]

Woman and a Fork
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly..

'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.

'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.'

The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.

'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.

The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming .... Like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork ... The best is yet to come.'

The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel , indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. Being friends with someone is not an opportunity, but a sweet responsibility.


Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND... And I'll bet this will be an Email they do remember, every time they pick up a fork!













And just remember ... Keep your fork!









The BEST is yet to come!