Today's Joke

[Marian]

I believe computers make it their business to regularly test us Keith.
We musn't let them win!

[ROBERT M.]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'



The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.



'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.



Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.



At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'



He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.



Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.



Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'booger dat. Dis budgie jumping is too boody dangerous for me!'





THERE'S MORE....................





Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.



He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.



'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.



He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.



He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.



Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.



Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'





IT IS NOT OVER YET..............





Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'booger dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his boody hengliding!'

[ROBERT M.]

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.

Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jenifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f...ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.....................

[Marian]

Psychiatrists vs Bartenders
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'



FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more,
And nothing but happiness come through your door.

[Marian]

********************************************
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for ...

Blood plasma.
*********************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half

more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually

than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
**************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping

than you do watching television.
*************************************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns
until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
**************************************************
The first product to have a bar code

was Wrigley's gum.
********************************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
*******************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive

from each salad served in first-class.
*******************************************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

********************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,

are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN!
**************************************************************
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
********************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS MELT

IN VINEGAR!
***************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
****************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, not downstairs.

*****************************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.
*****************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)


***************************************************

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

So.....................





Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on... then go and move your toothbrush!!!

[ROBERT M.]

Dear Mr. Cameron,


Please find below our suggestion for fixing Britains economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:


1) They MUST retire.

Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed



2) They MUST buy a new British car.

Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed


3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -

Housing Crisis fixed


4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -

Crime rate fixed


5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....

and there's your money back in duty/tax etc


6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy b.stards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.

It can't get any easier than that!


P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances


If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard.


Grumpies of the World Unite Part 2.


Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.



The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.


Think about this (more points of contention):

------------------------------------------------------------------------

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria ?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.

[Marian]

All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy



Some perspective

** Pythagorean theorem: .............................................24 words.

** Lord's prayer: .........................................................66 words.

** Archimedes' Principle: .............................................67 words.

** 10 Commandments: ...............................................179 words.

** Gettysburg address: ...............................................286 words.

** Declaration of Independence : .............................1,300 words.

** US Constitution with 27 Amendments : ................ 7,818 words. (21 pages)

** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

Well, cabbage is a very complex vegetable.........

[mariana44]

That is amazing--

[ROBERT M.]

Is Keith away ? he hasn't visited the website since April 16th When regulars don't post we worry about them, don't we ?

[Marian]

Yes, where are you Keith?

[mariana44]

Maybe Keith is on a little break--with all these bank holidays, everything is upside down-well they are for me !!!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

We've missed Keith too, but meantime The British Medical Association has weighed in on David Camerons Health and Care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Opthalmologists considered the idea short sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over My Dead Body" while the Pediatricians said "Oh Grow Up".
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cutsand decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists didn't swallow it and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow and the Plastic Surgeons said "This Puts A Whole New Face On The Matter" .
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetics thought the idea was a gas but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In The end the Proctologists won out leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in London.

[mariana44]

Very clever-and funny--just one question--what is a Proctologist ?

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Marian, well now you've asked ..it's the medical study and treatment of the rectum

[Gray]

Brilliant Lena