Today's Joke

[mariana44]

My friend told me this joke today, which made me laugh--I had been complaining abouit problems I had with ringing up AOL, and getting to understand them and vice versa. That bit is not part of the joke-here it comes--

An Indian applied for a job with AOL---and was asked , can you give a sentence with these words in---GREEN..PINK..YELLOW.

Of course , he replied---"the phone makes a sound GREEN GREEN, so I PINK someone is on the line, and I say YELLOW !!

Well, it made me laugh, especially aftter spending 15 minutes this morning with AOl, asking them, sorry I do not understand, can you spell it---and them replying--sorry I do not understand what you are saying--about 10 times !!!!!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

That, funny Keith, reminds us of the adulterous and frisky farmers wife who couldn't keep Two calves together.

Marian, you have all our sympathy regarding your AOL assistant
The joke sounds more like a Chinese than an Indian who applied for that job

[mariana44]

You are probably right Lena & harry--but I have only come across Indians on AOL.

[ROBERT M.]

Its cold outside ......

50°F

People in Southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants

40°F
Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs

35°F
Cars in the South of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down

20°F
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts

15°F
Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dundee swim in the River Tay at Broughty Ferry

0°F
Life in the South grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

-10°F
Life in the South ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket

-80°F
Polar bears wonder if it ' s worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers

-100°F
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their ' long johns '

-173°F
Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut

-297°F
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands

-460°F
All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands

-500°F
Hell freezes over
Scotland will support England in the World cup

[ROBERT M.]

Retiree Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[ROBERT M.]

The History of the Middle Finger


Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

[keithgood838]

TOPICAL TEASER

A motorist was on an urgent mission when he ran out of gas.
At that moment a bee flew into his vehicle and hummed:
'What seems to be the problem?'
'I forgot to check my gas guage when I left home,'
moaned the driver, 'now my tank is empty.'
The bee asked the man to stay put, and flew away.
'I wasn't going anywhere,' thought the bemused driver.
Minutes later the driver was amazed as he watched a swarm
of bees fly into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees
flew out.
'Try the engine,' exhorted the friendly bee.
The driver turned the ignition key and the car roared into life.
'Wow!' he exclaimed, 'what did you put in the tank?'
The bee replied, (Wait for it, wait for it)
'Bee Pee.'

Courtesy of Ed

[ROBERT M.]

That was a good un' Keith............but don't tell the Yanks

[keithgood838]

I enjoyed your recent collection, Robert.
The following comes courtesy of Ed:

TRANS-SPECIES TRANSFUSIONS

The American Medical Association researchers
have discovered that patients benefit from chicken
rather than human blood.
It makes the men cocky and the women lay better ...

[ROBERT M.]

I think it must be time for Norman Collier to have another transfusion then

[keithgood838]

Norman seems seldom to appear on the television radar
nowadays, Robert. A pity, I think he is a funny fella.
The following Ed joke is timely because we are in snowed
in under an avalanche of birthday cards at home today:

MEANINGFUL MATRIMONY

A devoted husband, having wheeled his wife into the kitchen,
tenderly enquires of her:
'I figured you should have breakfast in bed on your birthday.
Can you reach the stove okay?'

[keithgood838]

In this post I take the liberty of recommending a hoot
of a funny book, viz: McCARTHY'S BAR, written by
Pete McCarthy, born in Warrington, the son of a Protestant
father and Irish Catholic mother. He was taught by the Christian
Brothers who used, as he describes it, 'the stick and carrot
method of education without the carrot'. The author resolved
never to pass a pub bearing his name over the door, a maxim
that would readily resonate on his travels, mainly around West Cork.
It opens: 'The harp player had just fallen off the stage and cracked
his head on an Italian tourist's pint. There was a big cheer,
and Con the barman rang the bell.'
And that's just the prologue.
The following extract describes his efforts to find the seemingly
inaccessible Bohonagh Stone Circle:
'As I go to throw myself under the electrically charged cable,
I stumble in a rutted hoofprint, and catch the wire with my forehead.
Nothing. Except relief. The fence is just for show. The current isn't
even turned on. All over Europe, animals are being conned by farmers
anxious to keep electricity bills down, though I'll bet they're claiming
the full whack from Brussels.
But what if the bull knows that?
The tape is between us, but the brute has now started to execute
a distinctly threatening amble in my direction. Sprawled on my back,
legs akimbo, I must make an inviting target. I couldn't feel more vulnerable
if I were wearing skintight Spanish jeans with red arrows pointing
to the crotch, Insert Horns Here.
But surely the gate to the lane, and safety, must only be yards away.
Keeping my body still, I begin - slowly, ever so slowly, so as not to alarm the bull -
to turn my head.
There's a man at the gate watching me.
"Have ya fallen and hurt yourself, or are ya afraid of the cow?"'

Sadly Pete McCarthy passed away on 6 October 2004;
however he has left us a memorably lighthearted legacy.

PETE McCARTHY
(1952-2004)

Templet-threads of tapestried West Cork
were woven into the man's work;
each McCarthy's bar,
and the humorist firmament
suffer diminishment
by the loss of their bright star.

Keith Good

[keithgood838]

CLERICAL COMEUPPANCE

A traffic warden breathes his last and the customary
church service is followed by the interrment.
As the coffin is lowered into the gaping maw of the grave,
a knocking sound is heard and the 'narrow cell' is retrieved
from its destined subterranean resting-place.
The lid is removed to reveal the sitting-up traffic warden
who declares self-evidently:
'I'm not dead, I'm alive!'
'You're too late,' snaps the vicar.'
'We've already done the paperwork.'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Nice one Keith, that's where we'd like to see a lot of them

[keithgood838]

Glad you liked it, L&H. Here's another courtesy of Ed:

PEST PREVENTION

Boudreaux and his farmer friend Thibodeaux were engrossed
in earnest conversation. Moaned Thibodeaux:
'Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? It's completely
infestered with rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem.'
Boudreaux replied: 'Thibodeaux I know xactly how to get rid
of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors.'
Thibodeaux was nonplussed: 'What's a bull constriptor?'
Boudreaux shrugged: 'Man dats one of dem big snakes that loves
to eat rats and swaller dem whole, all at once.'
Next day Thibodeaux went to Kliberts reptile farm and bought
the biggest bull constriptor they had.
He brought the snake to the barn and let him loose right in the middle
and sat there and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watching for a long time
but nothing was happening. The snake just curled up in the middle
of the barn and slept all day. He didn't even move as the rats ran all around.
Thibodeaux became frustrated and he called Boudreaux on the phone:
'Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout the shake. Dem rats
is still runnin' all around an dat snake jus lies there sleeping all day long.'
'I know jus what to do, give that snake some viagra,' asserted Boudreaux.
Thibodeaux exclaimed: 'What! Viagra? What's dat gonna do?'
Boudreaux replied knowingly: 'I was jus listenin' to da radio and the man said
dat viagra is the best ting for reptile dysfunction.'



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