Today's Joke

[ROBERT M.]

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a.r..e and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say..............

[ROBERT M.]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him



He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..


He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.


He tripped & fell on the ground.


He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.



At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'


'Very well', said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:



'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen....................

[mariana44]

Robert-they were both very funny.

[keithgood838]

Hi Robert, I read in the Observer Review yesterday
that Larkin 25 is now in full swing in Hull.
He was quoted as describing his face thus:
'An egg sculpted in lard and wearing goggles'.
How self-deprecating is that? Apparently he was a gifted mimic
and had a fund of funny jokes. I hope you will enjoy the following
un-Larkin-like lines:

ROZZER RHYME

I took a stroll just after tea
and spied a policeman up a tree.
'Wotcha doin' there?' I cried.
'Special Branch!' the cop replied.

[keithgood838]

The news from Marian is great,
here's a joke to celebrate:

THE HIRED HAND

A banker bumped into an old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher,
in town. Tom had lost his wife a year earlier and it was rumoured
that he was about to marry a mail-order bride. Tom gladly confirmed
the rumours and the banker enquired as to the age of the bride-to-be.
Twinkle-eyed Tom replied: 'She'll be 21 in November.'
With typical banker perspicacity, Tom's friend could see that the old
rancher would struggle to satisfy his young wife's sexual desires,
so he suggested he should consider getting a hired hand to help out
at the ranch, knowing nature would take its course.
Months later the friends met in town again.
'How's the wife?' enquired the banker.
'Fine, she's pregnant.'
Feeling smug in the knowledge that his sage advice had borne fruit,
the banker continued,
'And your hired hand?'
Tapping the side of his nose the old man replied:
'She's pregnant, too!'

Courtesy of Ed

[mariana44]

I did not expect that!!

[ROBERT M.]

Don't think we've had this one before

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips ' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



(True Story )
I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people

[mariana44]

That's the way to do it !!!!

[keithgood838]

Glad to know you weren't expecting, Marian(a), I think.
Your usual high standard of posts didn't live up to expectations,
Robert; the George joke has appeared previously, courtesy
of Ed. Forgive me.

ENRICHMENT ENTREATY

A Jewish gentleman attends the synagogue each morning
and prays to win the Lottery.
His supplication goes on for weeks, his pleas
to the Almighty becoming more and more desperate.
Finally, one day the clouds part and a voice from above booms:
'Manny, meet me halfway. Buy a ticket.'

[keithgood838]

SIGNS & SAYINGS
(courtesy of Ed)

Sometimes I wonder:
'Why is that frisbee getting bigger?'
Then it hits me

Notice to passengers:
Ladies, the poles are fitted for your safety;
no dancing

Our aim is to keep this bathroom clean.
GENTLEMEN
Your aim will help, stand closer;
it's shorter than you think
LADIES
Please remain seated during
the entire production

Any persons (except players)
caught collecting golf b alls
on this course will be prosecuted
and have their b alls removed

Light travels faster than sound,
this explains why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak

We'll be friends until we're old and senile,
then we'll be new friends.

[ROBERT M.]

Sorry about my previous joke I knew I'd heard it before, but couldn't remember where

[mariana44]

I had not heard it before Robert--or if I had , I had forgotten it--very funny---but also sadly a true indication of how things are in this country these days.

[ROBERT M.]

And no doubt Marian, it will be getting worse very soon

[keithgood838]

THEATRE TRICK

'I beg your pardon,'
said the man returning to his seat
at the end of the interval,
'but did I step on your foot
when I left?'
'Yes you did,' came the disgruntled reply.
'Oh good, that means I'm in the right row.'

[keithgood838]

SUPERSTORE STAFF SELECTION

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, was charged with the task
of filling a staff vacancy. After perusing some 20 CVs she found
four suitable applicants. She decided to interview all four
and ask each of them the same question. Their answers
would determine which of them would land the job.
As they sat around the conference table, Jennifer asked:
'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied: 'A thought, it pops into your head.
There's no warning.'
'That's very good,' beamed Jennifer.
'And now you, sir,' she asked the second applicant.
'Hmmm, let me see. The blink of an eye; it's the fastest
thing I know of.'
'Excellent,' exclaimed an impressed Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye
is a very popular cliche for speed.'
She then turned to the third man who was contemplating
his reply.
'Well, out at my father's ranch, you step out of the house
and on the wall is a light switch. When you flick that switch
way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on
in an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I'm aware of.'
Jennifer positively revelled in the quality of the candidates
and with the third answer thought she had found her man.
'It's very hard to beat the speed of light.'
Turning to Bubba, the fourth anf final man, and with little expectation
of receiving a superior answer, Jennifer again posed the question.
Old Bubba replied:
'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me
that the fastest thing I know is diarrhoea.'
'What?' barked Jennifer, taken aback by the course nature
of the response.
'Oh sure,' insisted Bubba. 'You see, the other day I was feeling
a little unwell so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could
think, blink or turn on the light, I had already messed my pants.'
Bubba got the job - it's an ill wind ...

Joke courtesy of Ed, yet again.