Today's Joke

[mariana44]

Gray,those have bought a smile to finish off this dismal day !!!

[Marian]

Thanks for the 'smiles' Gray. Keep popping in when you can. It's always good to see you on here.

[keithgood838]

DOMESTIC DILEMMA

A husband returns home from a business trip
a day early. En route he asks his taxi driver
if he would agree to witness a marital incident.
The husband suspects his wife is being unfaithful
and he wants to catch her in flagrante delicto.
The cabbie agrees after negotiating a £100 attendance fee.
Arriving home stealthily, the husband and his
co-conspirator tiptoe into the bedroom.
The husband dramatically switches on the light,
yanks the duvet back and 'exposes' his wife
in bed with another man.
The husband puts a gun to the Lothario's head.
'Don't shoot!' implores the wife frantically.
'I lied about my Lottery-size inheritance.
He paid for the Daimler I gave you, and for our
new cabin cruiser. He also paid for your football
season ticket and country club membership.
He even pays our monthly standing orders.'
Rendered incapable of groping his way through
the web of confusion enmeshing his brain,
the disoriented husband turns to the cabbie:
'What would you do?'
'I'd cover his arse with the duvet before he catches cold.'

Original American version courtesy of Ed.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

We miss the likes of Les Dawson when comedy has been taken over by these stand up comedians who are about as funny as having gangrene.

Another couple of Les Dawsons... My wife asked if Mother could come down for the weekend.
I said Why !!
She said, well she's been up on the roof for Two weeks now.

I wanted to do something nice for my Mother-I-Law so I bought her a chair, the trouble is they won't let me plug it in

[Marian]

ha ha!

[keithgood838]

QUIP-REPLY QUESTIONS

How do we know that the Indians
were the first people in North America? -
Because they had reservations.

What did one eye say to the other? -
'Between you and me there's something that smells.'

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? -
It had no body to go with.

Which cheese is made backwards? -
Edam.

What did the rug say to the floor? -
'Don't move, I've got you covered.'

What do you get when you cross an elephant
with a rhino? -
El-if-i-no.

[ROBERT M.]

Penguins



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an
extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well
as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring
throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.




The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:







"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

[ROBERT M.]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

*This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.



The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

*This is when you have been with your partner or a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.



The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

*This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.



The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.

*This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'



The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

*Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)



The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

*This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.



And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.


*You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself

[keithgood838]

PATROLMAN PUTDOWNS
(on the US highway)

'You know, stop lights don't come any redder
than the ones you just went through.'

'If you take your hands off the car,
I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

'You don't know how fast you were going?'
I guess that means I can write anything I like on the ticket.'

'Yes sir, you may talk to the supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I am the supervisor?'

'The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

'Warning, you want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

'Just how big were those two beers you say you had?'

'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

'I'm glad the chief of police is a good friend of yours. So you'll
know someone prepared to post your bail.'

'In God we trust; in all others we run through the NCIC
(National Crime Information Center).

'You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't. Sign here ...'

Perhaps well-timed humour courtesy of Ed.

[keithgood838]

The following true story of golfing disaster was recently reported
in the newspapers with accompanying pictorial evidence. The 'event'
took place at the exclusive Shady Canyon Golf Club in Irvine, California.

FIRE! NOT FORE!

As a poor benighted golfer tried to hack his way out of heavy rough
near a tinder-dry bush his iron made contact, on the downswing,
with a rock, which sent a shower of sparks into scrubland. In moments
flames were raging across acres of woodland threatening multi-million
properties the skirt the fairways. Fortunately, although it destroyed
12 acres the conflagration left the homes untouched.
The hapless player was naturally doing his best to remain anonymous.
A club member reportedly said:
'You can't blame him, otherwise everyone's going to be asking
if he's on a hot streak and saying his game is on fire.'

The incident reminded me of a golfing joke about a player
who hooked his drive so far left that it hit the driver of a train
passing the course. The train driver was concussed, the train
ran out of control down an embankment and collided with a procession
of cars on the adjacent motorway causing multiple collisions
and long tailbacks. Surveying the carnage unfolding before his eyes
the horrified golfer turned to his playing partner and wailed:
'What a catastrophe!' 'What can I do?'
'If you place your left leg a bit more forward in your stance ...'

[mariana44]

I have just caught up with the last 3 jokes-here is something that actually happened to me yesterday--not as funny as your jokes, Robert, and Keith---but it made me laugh.

On the first Friday of each month, my friend and I are on Battery Duty at our Day Centre, where everyone with a hearing-aid can come along and get free replacement batteries, instead of dragging all the waybto the hospital. My job is to write down their names, and the batteries they are having.

An unfamiliar face appeared, so I asked for his name---"It is Arthur Ron " he replied---so I wrote down Mr Arthur Ron----"No he said--my name is Ron--R for Ron " !!!!!! Honestly !!!!!

[keithgood838]

ALLIGATOR APPROXIMATOR

A garden centre decided to put on a fun day
for children with staff in fancy dress.
A boy cheekily informed a male assistant
dressed as an alligator:
'You're not a real alligator.'
The accused assistant stoutly asserted:
'Yes I am, I'm a propagator.'

[ROBERT M.]

GOLFER AT THE
DENTIST
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's
office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a
hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting
for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't
have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the
tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00
AM tee time at the best golf course in town
and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the
anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My
goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his
tooth pulled without using anything to kill
the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it
sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth
Honey, and show him.............................

[ROBERT M.]

Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.



"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all
over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give
all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see
where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste
removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him,
so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge ......................................

[ROBERT M.]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the
three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have
to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing
features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features
about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice
anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can
only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her
face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or
unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned,
took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the
folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world
could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only
one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." ......................... (sorry if this is a repeat).