Today's Joke

Have you read something that you would like to share with others - now is your chance
User avatar
ROBERT M.
Posts: 22529
Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2006 5:58 pm
Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Wed Nov 17, 2010 1:46 am

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Blacks and Mexicans is not the correct answer

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPad after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."

My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Turns out she's really crap at snooker

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Melbourne but I've been banned from there after asking to look at some bomber jackets…

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Oh that’s easy, Derek’s got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy none who drinks a lot and his wife Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair." :)
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

User avatar
Lena & Harry Smith
Posts: 21514
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:05 am
Location: London UK

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Lena & Harry Smith » Fri Nov 19, 2010 10:51 am

Ha Ha, Ha Ha , gave us a laugh Robert :D :D

User avatar
Gray
Posts: 2448
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 5:57 am
Location: York, North Yorkshire
Contact:

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Gray » Wed Nov 24, 2010 7:12 am

Just heard this on Talksport radio asking people to phone in woth their favourite foods.
One person said theirs was a Chicken Tarka - just like a Tikka but a little 'otter.

:)

User avatar
Marian
Posts: 20956
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 3:02 pm
Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Wed Nov 24, 2010 8:26 am

:lol: Good one Gray!

User avatar
ROBERT M.
Posts: 22529
Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2006 5:58 pm
Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Thu Nov 25, 2010 1:45 am

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman...




'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'



The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.





The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'



The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!



One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.



The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...





"Mixin-me-toasties" :lol: :lol:
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

User avatar
Gray
Posts: 2448
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 5:57 am
Location: York, North Yorkshire
Contact:

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Gray » Thu Nov 25, 2010 7:07 am

:)
brilliant.

User avatar
Marian
Posts: 20956
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 3:02 pm
Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Thu Nov 25, 2010 8:15 am

:lol: :lol:

User avatar
Lena & Harry Smith
Posts: 21514
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:05 am
Location: London UK

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Lena & Harry Smith » Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:59 am

Ha Ha, :D :D ,

User avatar
keithgood838
Posts: 2478
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm

Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sat Nov 27, 2010 4:26 pm

Yes Robert, I agree - a rabbit-pulled-from-hat-one, that one. :lol:
Here's one courtesy of Ed:

STIMULUS SEEKING

After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed
one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle
her in ways that had become unfamiliar.

It was akin to a tickling sensation as his fingers started
at her neck and began moving down the small of her back.
He then appeared to caress her shoulders and neck,
slowly working his over her breast, stopping just over
her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
caressed the side of her breast a second time working down
her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg
to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping
at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in similar
manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over
and began to watch the television.

As she had become quite aroused by his attentions
she enquired in a sensuous voice:
'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

'I found the remote.'

:wink:

User avatar
Marian
Posts: 20956
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 3:02 pm
Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Fri Dec 03, 2010 12:59 pm

What To Do When It Snows In Newfoundland ...



One winter morning a husband and wife in Cornerbrook were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through" The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to good Newfoundland women exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

:lol: :lol:

User avatar
keithgood838
Posts: 2478
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm

Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:38 pm

FOOT-IN-MOUTH FAUX PAS

Scene at personal hygiene counter:
Assistant, 'Is it the ball-type deodorant you want, sir?'
Elderly gentleman:
'No, it's for under my arms.'

Scene at marriage ceremony:
Bride-to-be: 'How worse? Give me a worst-case scenario.'

In the beauty products aisle:
Husband to browsing wife: 'Should I get a shopping trolley?'

:wink: Courtesy of Ed

CRUEL CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the night
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse,
For the cat had pounced on him
And torn him apart,
Gorged on his guts
And gulped down his heart.

:evil:

User avatar
keithgood838
Posts: 2478
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm

Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sat Dec 04, 2010 7:39 pm

SLEIGH SAFETY

Father Christmas is compelled to undergo a check on
his sleigh, carried out by the Aviation Authority, to ensure
that his craft is airworthy.
An official accompanies Santa on a test flight.
Suddenly Santa notices his passenger has a revolver
in his pocket.
'What's that for?' You're not a hijacker are you?'
'No,' the official assures him,
'but we have to see how you handle this craft
when you lose an engine on take-off.'

:wink:

User avatar
keithgood838
Posts: 2478
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm

Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:28 pm

URSINE UNCERTAINTY

A householder awakes one morning in Alaska
to to be greeted by the disconcerting presence
of a bear prowling menacingly on his roof.
He hurriedly consults Yellow Pages and is relieved
to find an entry advertising Bear Removals.
Upon phoning the number listed he is further reassured
to be told that someone would be along in 30 minutes
to attend to the matter.
The bear remover duly arrives whose tools-of-trade
comprise a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean looking
old pit bull.
'What is your plan of action?' enquires the intrigued homeowner.
'I'm going to climb onto the roof using this ladder
and knock the bear off with the baseball bat.
The dog is trained to grab his testicles so that the bear
will then be sufficiently subdued to allow me to deposit
him in a cage at the back of the van.'
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
'Why are you giving me this?' asks the nonplussed homeowner.
'If the bear knocks me off the roof,
shoot the dog!'

:wink: Courtesy of Ed

User avatar
Gray
Posts: 2448
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 5:57 am
Location: York, North Yorkshire
Contact:

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Gray » Thu Dec 09, 2010 7:32 am

:)

User avatar
keithgood838
Posts: 2478
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm

Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Fri Dec 10, 2010 2:05 pm

VEXING FEMALE VOCABULARY

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given
five more minutes to watch the match before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'nothing'
usually end in 'fine'.
4. Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!
5. Loud sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to no. three for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements
a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think
long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you; do not question or faint.
Just say 'you're welcome'. (I want to add a clause here -
this is true, unless she says 'thanks a lot' - that is pure sarcasm
and she is not thanking you at all. Do not say 'you're welcome'.
That will bring on a 'whatever'.)
8. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying: 'F...!'
9. Don't worry about it; I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,
but is now doing herself. This will later result in man asking:
'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to no. three.

:wink:
Last edited by keithgood838 on Mon Dec 20, 2010 8:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Post Reply

Return to “Thought of the Day”