Today's Joke

[ROBERT M.]

I saw the ending coming this time, Keith

[keithgood838]

That punch line 'ducked' below my radar, Robert.
I guess you've heard the one about the footie fan
whose wife left him saying that he loved his football team
more than he loved her. He said:
'I'm gutted, we were together for ten seasons.'

[Gray]

Oh brilliant, not heard either of the last two jokes, very funny!

I must tell you all I had a terrible day yesterday, I was stood in the checkout line in Tesco when a man started throwing butter, cheese and yoghurts at me. I thought, "How dairy".

[keithgood838]

We are warned to beware of 'dodgy' dairy products, Gray.

AGRICULTURAL ANTICS

A neighbour is passing farmer Fred's hay shed
and utters a double-take 'what the ...?'
when, to his consternation, through a gap
in the door he espies Fred doing an approximation
to the dance of the seven veils in front
of an old red Massey Ferguson.
The neighbour watches in growing disbelief
as Fred performs a slow pirourette and suggestively
slides off his right welly, followed by his left.
Then in a classic striptease move, he lets
his braces fall from his shoulders and dangle
sensually over his trousers. Grabbing both sides
of his shirt, Fred rips it apart to reveal his tea-stained
vest underneath and, with a final flourish,
he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
'What in the name of sanity are you doing?'
enquires the perplexed neighbour.
'On no, you scared the living daylights out of me,'
splutters the painfully embarrassed Fred.
'Me and the missus have been having bedroom-related
problems lately and the therapist suggested I should
do something sexy to a tractor.'

[ROBERT M.]

...................the name Massey Ferguson reminds me from my earlier years of the once famous horse race at Cheltenham

[ROBERT M.]

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day..
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived Date:

October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I'll see that everything is been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

[Gray]

Keith, loved your gag too!

[keithgood838]

Commiserations on Leeds United's dismissal
from the FA Cup, Gray. However, take comfort
from the fact that your team were a few minutes
away from knocking out Premiership high fliers.
I shall be amazed if Leeds do not win promotion
to the top echelon this season. Continuing the sporting
theme, the folllowing story is all the funnier for being true:

DEFTNESS DEAFNESS

Nick Faldo's partner in the pro-am event
arrived on the first tee resplendent in 'striking'
golf wear and state of the art equipment.
The young colossus of the commercial world
looked the business - except he couldn't
do the business.
He hooked his opening drive into trees to the left
of the clubhouse. On the second tee he sliced
his drive into a lake and decided he'd had enough
of that hole and recorded 'no return' on his scorecard.
Thus the pattern was set and by the time he reached
the thirteenth he hadn't set foot on a green.
On the fourteenth he managed to hit it down the middle
of the fairway and received an encouraging, 'Very good'
from Nick Faldo.
The hapless player then proceeded to hit his approach
shot into a greenside bunker, whereupon he picked up
his ball and put it in his pocket.
'Aren't you going to play out?' Nick enquired.
'No,' came the stern reply.
'Bunker play isn't the strong part of my game.'

[Gray]

Hi Keith

Leeds did their best, and I was really proud of the effort the team put in.
Arsenal are a super side, but we didn't let ourselves down and I enjoyed seeing a full Elland Road singing their hearts out.

Regarding promotion, that is a tough one.
There are a lot of good sides in The Championship, Robert's team are on a strong run and it will be tight!
But, we have just as good a chance as anyone!
It is an exciting division!

Hope you are well, by the way!

[Marian]

We enjoyed the game too Gray, Peter is an Arsenal supporter and our daughter's boyfriend is a very staunch Leeds fan, so it was fun!!
Great goal for Leeds from Johnson (was it?) Anyway, we thought Leeds played very well and the crowd were amazing too.
Don't forget Reading are just below the play-offs too, but I suppose we've had our chance in the Premier League, but you never know!

[Gray]

Hi Marian

Yes, I was thinking of your household on the night of the game
Do you mind me asking, is your daughters boyfriend from Leeds?

[Marian]

Hi Gray,
Yes, Richard is from Leeds, but lives in Cambridge now. He also plays football himself, not professionally though!

[Gray]

I see, a fellow Yokshireman!
Thanks Marian.

[ROBERT M.]

Yes Gray, City are on an unbeaten run at the moment, but maybe we have too much ground to make up, after our shaky start to the season ...................but hopefully not

[Gray]

Hi Robert

Hull have a tough couple of games coming up.
QPR on Saturday followed by....Leeds the following Tuesday!