Today's Joke

[ROBERT M.]

Gray, the second game you mentioned will be easy peasy ......................

[mariana44]

I am always interested in QPR, as my junior school was situated right behind the QPR ground in Loftus Road=although my school was called Ellerslie Road School. But strangely enough, I have never been in that particular ground-although I have been to several other London clubs--Chelsea, Arsenal, Tottenham, West Ham, Fulham. This is going back a good few years !!

[Gray]

Robert, you could be right, so I aren't saying anything in case I end up with egg on my face!

Marian,

Good team QPR - looks like they'll be promoted this year.

[keithgood838]

PACHYDERM PIQUANCY

Ellie the elephant entered the piano bar.
She was every inch a glamorous creature,
the type who made every effort to make
an impressive appearance when out on the town.
Her toenails were painted, her tusks gleamed
and glitter sparkled on her de-wrinkled trunk.
She ordered a champagne cocktail and while
it was being prepared her roving gaze settled
on the object of her desire.
Ellie moved over to the piano, parked herself
on a high stool and lit a cigarette. It was like
a scene from To Have and Have Not.
The pianist looked up from the keyboard and their
eyes met. He began to play, How Little We Know
(what we do know, however, is the name of the singer
who recorded the definitive version of the song)
when he noticed a telltale tear trickling down
Ellie's trunk.
'Do you recognise the tune, baby?' he enquired
sympathetically.
'No,' she replied falteringly,
'but I recognise the ivory.'

[keithgood838]

PLUMBING THE DEPTHS

A plumber is called to a house to repair a burst pipe.
When he arrives he is pleased to see that the lady
of the house is both beautiful and friendly.
One thing leads to another and they end up in the bedroom.
The phone rings and the woman answers it.
'That was my husband,' she informs the plumber,
as she puts down the receiver.
'He's coming home, but he's taking a flight up north
at eight. If you come back then we can take up
where we left off.'
The plumber looks at the woman incredulously:
'What,' he exclaims. 'On my own time?'

Jim the plumber's marriage to Florence
is on the rocks, so he decides to leave home.
The text of the message he leaves reads:
'It's over, Flo.'

[ROBERT M.]

Keith, I thought the last paragraph was from the joke above it

[keithgood838]

Hi Robert
I wasn't able to come up with a title for the second joke.
I haven't heard from Ed in Orlando for some time now;
I miss his humour input, but more importantly, I hope
he is okay.
I think I'll fence-sit on the subject of the imminent
big Championship clash - it has 'draw' written all over it.
Keith

[ROBERT M.]

Spot on Keith .................we let a 2 goal lead slip away somehow.

I hope Ed is Ok.

[Gray]

I beg to differ Robert.
Somehow we conceded two goals.

[keithgood838]

Important wins today should keep you guys happy,
especially Hull City's impressive away win.
Robert, I have not heard from Ed and my emails to him
have gone unanswered ...

FATHER TIME'S FETTERS

An ageing playboy visits his doctor having enjoyed
a lifetime of wine, women and song.
'Well,' intones the doctor,
'you won't have to give up singing.'

An elderly man hobbles up to an ice cream van
and orders a cornet.
'Crushed nuts, Grandad?'
'No, rheumatism.'

The older you get the longer it takes
to get over a good time.

At a restaurant a sign read:
'Karaoke Tonight.'
Granny gazed at it wonderingly and asked:
'What kind of fish is that?'

What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out your trousers?
Your mother.

The reason grandchildren and grandparents
get along so well is because they have a common enemy.

'Everything's starting to click for me,'
announced my father-in-law,
'my knees, my elbows, my neck.'

[Marian]

Thanks Keith.
So sorry to hear you are not hearing from Ed. I have his email so will try too.

[ROBERT M.]

Hope Ed is OK, have you heard anything yet Marian ? .....................Keith, we just cannot make up enough ground on the top six after our very slow start to the season.

[Marian]

Nothing yet Robert.

[Marian]

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a*******s in London .

[keithgood838]

Thanks for the foregoing cornucopia of medical mirth,
Marian. I couldn't resist a chuckle when I read that,
although £80 billion is being handed over to our GPs
to run the NHS, responsibility for ordering flu vaccines
has been removed from them because, allegedly,
they are not up to the job.

I miss selecting from Ed's daily supply of joke emails
and editing them for the forum's reading pleasure.