Today's Joke

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Wed Apr 06, 2011 7:24 pm

DONATION DURESS

Father O'Malley answers the phone
and the interrogation begins:
'Hello, are you Father O'Malley?'
'I am!'
'This is the tax office, will you help us?'
'I will!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
''I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate 10,000 euro to the church?'
'He will!'

:wink:

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ROBERT M.
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Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Thu Apr 07, 2011 1:34 am

----- The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer
and the Irish Railway Company :)

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of
standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years
ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only
mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your
train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

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Gray
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Gray » Thu Apr 07, 2011 6:00 am

:)

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Marian
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Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Thu Apr 07, 2011 6:49 am

:lol: :lol:

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Fri Apr 08, 2011 12:17 pm

MEDICAL MARCHING ORDERS

Tom encounters a friend who he greets
with his unfailingly cheery articulateness:
'Hello D-ick, why the crestfallen countenance, old boy?'
'My doctor has just told me that I can't play football,'
grumbles the disconsolate D-ick.
'Oh, is that all,' chirrups Tom,
'so he has also beheld the D-ick heading ability
and ball control.'

:wink:

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ROBERT M.
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Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Sun Apr 10, 2011 2:07 am

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Put both lids of the toilet up.
And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.

Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.


8 The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.




Sincerely,



The Dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! will laugh and laugh!!!!

:)
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

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ROBERT M.
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Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Sun Apr 10, 2011 2:11 am

40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bustards should remember fairies are female.....

SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH . AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!


:)
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

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Marian
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Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Sun Apr 10, 2011 8:17 am

Where's my cat gone Robert???????? :cry: :cry:

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Lena & Harry Smith
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Location: London UK

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Lena & Harry Smith » Sun Apr 10, 2011 8:12 pm

Nice one Robert, :) :)

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mariana44
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Location: Kent

Re: Today's Joke

Post by mariana44 » Sun Apr 10, 2011 8:33 pm

I had to laugh at the joke about the cat-we had to bath our cat--one of them--many years ago--it was a nightmare, even with 2 of us !! She had rolled in some tar.

My dogs are really good in the bath-[ I have a baby bath that I wash them in ]-especially Chloe, she just stands in the water, and lets me shampoo, and rinse her--the trouble comes when I let her out of the bathroom--she shakes herself, and everything around gets soaked--including me !! Plus Harry does the same, but he shakes more, and rolls all over the carpet.
Mariana

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john
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by john » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:09 pm

He probably thinks he is cleaning the carpet for you, Marian. :lol: :lol:

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mariana44
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Location: Kent

Re: Today's Joke

Post by mariana44 » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:55 pm

I had not thought of that, John.
Mariana

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Wed Apr 13, 2011 11:01 am

Thanks for your help with my technical troubles, Marian.
I'll confer with one of my computer whizz-kids when they
come to visit.
I think golf is monopolising my brain, currently:

HEAVENLY HAPPENINGS

An golfer hopelessly addicted to the game can't tolerate
the idea that he might not be able to play when he has departed
this earthly dimension, so he consults a spiritualist to ascertain
whether there's golf in heaven.
The medium communes with the spirit world and reports:
'I have good news and bad news.' (A la Matt's joke in Melbourne).
'Heaven does indeed have a golf course. It is magnificent,
comprising 36 holes, 24-hour access and boasts the most
palatial clubhouse you can imagine.'
'Wow,' exclaims the player, 'what's the bad news?'
'You're booked in for a round on Tuesday.'

:wink:

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ROBERT M.
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Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Thu Apr 14, 2011 1:19 am

The Masters was good, wasn't it Keith ? ...................I thought Tiger was going to do it at one stage :) ...................poor Rory McIlroy, his brain scrambled after the 10th hole............but the experiecne will have done him no end of good for his participation in future Major tournaments :)
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sat Apr 16, 2011 12:08 pm

Yes Robert, I love the absorbing unscripted drama
that is golf on television; Rory has bounced back
decisively in the Malaysian Open. The following
is an account of my latest brush with Broadband
bad behaviour:

THE KICK OF LIFE

The extant egg-timer said:
'I think your Broadband's dead.'
Last rites confirmed:
'Your webpage has expired.'
I though I'd try reboot
in the hope that that would suit,
and the thing had merely temporarily retired.
Sometimes I think computers are a farce:
all mine needed was a smart smack up the ....

:wink:

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