Today's Joke

[mariana44]

Karl, I think most of us on here know the answers to your questions --but I will leave it ti Keith to fill you in on all the details.

[keithgood838]

Thanks Marian(a), and Gray my good friend,
the flow of creativity can dry up as abruptly
as it mysteriously starts.
Karl, I was brought up in West Cork, in Ireland,
and I published a book showcasing the region,
in 1995. I am fairly frequently published in the
local magazine, The Opinion.
However, I am also especially proud of my collection
of Matt Monro-inspired verses on display throughout
this forum. I shall soon have enough to consider
publication in book form; I think it would be a first.


TRENDY TRADE

In the Sixties, under the Wilson government,
the Balance of Payments (imports & exports)
was all the rage and determined the outcomes
of elections.
Later prime minister Heath
wouldn't be seen dead without his greatcoat
of Resale Price Maintenance.
During the Thatcher years Maggie felt comely
in her monokini of Monetarism; her fashion guru
in vogue then was one Milton Friedman.
Nowadays the leading style houses are vying
for popular prominence on the deficit reduction
catwalks.
Thus the national wardrobe grows ever larger
and costs us dear,
while the peacock politicians are unable to make
up their minds about which presentable policies
they, and the country, might wear.

[keithgood838]

MISNOMER MELTDOWN
(when the pianissimo stops)

Surely the hapless PCC
was hindered from the start;
mired in confusion with a Lady
chairman its beating heart.
Now I fear for sexy-lips Lady Warsi,
incumbent chairman of the Tory Party.

[keithgood838]

SURREAL STANDOFF

In Boston, in 1773,
colonists dumped tons of tea in the sea
in a clash over taxation matters.

Now as time runs out and entrenched heels dig in,
Congress's confrontation is akin
to the Tea Party at The Mad Hatter's.

[Gray]

May I quote a Benny Hill gag that made me chuckle last night?
(I watched a dvd from his 1971 TV series).

As Fanny Craddock:
"Today we will be cooking a chicken recipe made famous by Clement Freud, it is Chicken ala Freud....or Freud Chicken"

[Marian]

[Marian]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!


But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[karl]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!


But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Someone emailed me that about 3 weeks ago - very funny!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Ha Ha nice one Marian. Reminds me of a story Arthur Askey mentioned on a programme many years ago.
Comedian Sonny Hale and another performer were appearing at a theatre in a seadide town, and for Two weeks were lodging in a house with a seaside landlady
They took with them a few drinks including a bottle of Sherry to help them wind down after returning to the digs and before retiring to bed.
They took the Sherry from the cupboard after a couple of days and noticed that some was missing. What a cheek they thought . A few nights later they looked at the bottle and could see that the same thing had happened, Sonny thought i'll teach her and wee'd in the bottle almost topping it up, and again a few nights later the amount was reduced in the bottle, that put a grin on their faces
The day they were leaving the landlady said what a pleasure it had been to have them with her, and Sonny replied , we've had a pleasant stay but we won't bring any Sherry with us next time.
Oh that she said, well I remembered you saying how much you liked trifle and I confess I took the liberty of adding some to your trifle.

[Gray]

[Marian]

Good one Lena and Harry!

[mariana44]

I am just glad that I never eat trifle !!!

[karl]

I am just glad that I never eat trifle !!!

I get the feeling someone is taking the Proverbial!!!!

[karl]

It was mealtime on a British Airways flight.

The flight attendant asked a man in the front row if he would like dinner.

What are my choices the man asked.

Yes or No the flight attendant replied!

[karl]

People send me jokes by email and I like them I print them out and keep them in a file, this is one of the best!

Before his 2001 inaguration, George Bush was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill Clinton if he could use the personal Presidential bathroom. When he entered the toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think", he said "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal too,but I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent.

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hilary at her tour of the White House, she told Hilary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening when Bill & Hilary were getting ready for bed, Hilary smiled, and said to Bill I found out who p****d in your saxophone.