Our local BBC, Barnet Bus Company, has committed
itself to becoming eco-friendly and is substituting
diesel with a garden herb mix.
It hopes some of its buses will run on thyme.
Today's Joke
-
keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
GARDEN GASOLINE
Our local BBC, Barnet Bus Company, has committed
itself to becoming eco-friendly and is substituting
diesel with a garden herb mix.
It hopes some of its buses will run on thyme.
Our local BBC, Barnet Bus Company, has committed
itself to becoming eco-friendly and is substituting
diesel with a garden herb mix.
It hopes some of its buses will run on thyme.
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Lena & Harry Smith
- Posts: 21514
- Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:05 am
- Location: London UK
Re: Today's Joke
Sent in from a Senior Lady in our latest Sinatra magazine, and made us smile.
" WHAT SENIOR CITIZENS ARE WORTH
Did you know that we old folk are worth a fortune. We have Silver in our hair, Gold in our teeth, stones in our kidneys, lead in our feet and gas in our stomachs,
I have become older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life.
Frankly I have become a frivolous old woman. I am seeing Six gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me out of bed, then I go and see Jimmy Riddle and then it's time for breakfast with nice Mr Kellog followed closely by Mr Tetley, or my other friend whom I only know by his initial P,G.
Then comes someone I dont like at all- Arthur Itis, even though he is not welcome but insists on staying here, and then after a hectic day I am relieved to get to bed with Johnny Walker, and oh yes, I am also flirting with Al Zheimer..
The vicar came the other day and said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter, so I told him I did it all the time, for no matter where I am ,the bedroom, the kitchen, the sitting room or the garden I ask myself... Now what am I here after, !! Well I'll close now and I hope that Will Power is your constant companion too but do make sure that his friend Emma Royd does not creep up on you from behind , and watch out for the crafty one Gerry Atric. !!!
" WHAT SENIOR CITIZENS ARE WORTH
Did you know that we old folk are worth a fortune. We have Silver in our hair, Gold in our teeth, stones in our kidneys, lead in our feet and gas in our stomachs,
I have become older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life.
Frankly I have become a frivolous old woman. I am seeing Six gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me out of bed, then I go and see Jimmy Riddle and then it's time for breakfast with nice Mr Kellog followed closely by Mr Tetley, or my other friend whom I only know by his initial P,G.
Then comes someone I dont like at all- Arthur Itis, even though he is not welcome but insists on staying here, and then after a hectic day I am relieved to get to bed with Johnny Walker, and oh yes, I am also flirting with Al Zheimer..
The vicar came the other day and said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter, so I told him I did it all the time, for no matter where I am ,the bedroom, the kitchen, the sitting room or the garden I ask myself... Now what am I here after, !! Well I'll close now and I hope that Will Power is your constant companion too but do make sure that his friend Emma Royd does not creep up on you from behind , and watch out for the crafty one Gerry Atric. !!!
Re: Today's Joke
Good one, hadn't heard it before.
Re: Today's Joke
TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU ARE BEING PULLED OVER.
10. Back Off Barney, I've Got A Piece
9. Wanna Race To The Station, Sparky!
8. I Know I Was Weaving, I Am Almost Finished With This Bottle Of Booze,
Want Some?
7. On The Way To The Station, Lets Stop And Get A 12-Pack!
6. Officer, You Will Never Get Those Handcuffs On Me, You Wimp!
5. Come On Officer Write The Damn Ticket Already, The Bars Close In
20 Minutes.
4. Hey Wasn't Your Daughter Voted Pork Queen?
3. How Long Is This Going To Take, Your Wife Is Waiting For Me.
2. Hey Officer, Is That Your Night Stick Or You Just Glad To See Me?
1. I Am Very Surprised That You Stopped Me Krispy Creme Donuts
Is Having A 3 For 1 Sale!
10. Back Off Barney, I've Got A Piece
9. Wanna Race To The Station, Sparky!
8. I Know I Was Weaving, I Am Almost Finished With This Bottle Of Booze,
Want Some?
7. On The Way To The Station, Lets Stop And Get A 12-Pack!
6. Officer, You Will Never Get Those Handcuffs On Me, You Wimp!
5. Come On Officer Write The Damn Ticket Already, The Bars Close In
20 Minutes.
4. Hey Wasn't Your Daughter Voted Pork Queen?
3. How Long Is This Going To Take, Your Wife Is Waiting For Me.
2. Hey Officer, Is That Your Night Stick Or You Just Glad To See Me?
1. I Am Very Surprised That You Stopped Me Krispy Creme Donuts
Is Having A 3 For 1 Sale!
Last edited by karl on Sat Aug 13, 2011 12:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Today's Joke
COURT DOCKET 12659 - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a busss. She noticed the man opposite was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The Man seemedd more amused.
When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this...When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition."
She sat under a sign that saidd, "The Double MInt Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment Will Reduce The Swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said "Williams Big Stick Did The Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED"
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a busss. She noticed the man opposite was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The Man seemedd more amused.
When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this...When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition."
She sat under a sign that saidd, "The Double MInt Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment Will Reduce The Swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said "Williams Big Stick Did The Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED"
Re: Today's Joke
THE POLISH DIVORCE
A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a yea or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick"
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions.
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and a half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What Makes You Think That?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She bought a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it said "Polish Remover"
A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a yea or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick"
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions.
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and a half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What Makes You Think That?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She bought a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it said "Polish Remover"
Re: Today's Joke
Below are actual clippings from Church Bulletin announcements.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER AND FASTING Conference. The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals
Our youth basketball team is back in action on Wednesday at 8PM in the recretational hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ The King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I WIl Not PAss This Way Again" givbingobvious pleasure to the congregation.
LaAdies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaker meeting scheduled for Tuesday has been cancelled due to conflict.
The serom this morning "Jesus Walks The Water". The sermon this evening "Searching For Jesus"
Next Thursday will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the hekp they can get.
Remember in prayer the many that are sick in our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Sayu hell to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
Irving Berling and Jessie Carter were married at the church onOcdtober 12. So ends a friendship that began in their early school days.
Attend and youwill hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The boyscouts are having alumunum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripplel children.
The church will host and evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,and
gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5.00pm - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in he basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7pm there wil be hymn singing in the park across the church. Bring a blanket and prepare to sin.
The eight graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet on Thursday, October 25th at 7pm. Everyone us invited to this tragedy.
Weight Watchers wil hold their meeting on Deember 1, at 7pm, please use the large double doors!
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campagin slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours!"
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER AND FASTING Conference. The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals
Our youth basketball team is back in action on Wednesday at 8PM in the recretational hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ The King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I WIl Not PAss This Way Again" givbingobvious pleasure to the congregation.
LaAdies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaker meeting scheduled for Tuesday has been cancelled due to conflict.
The serom this morning "Jesus Walks The Water". The sermon this evening "Searching For Jesus"
Next Thursday will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the hekp they can get.
Remember in prayer the many that are sick in our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Sayu hell to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
Irving Berling and Jessie Carter were married at the church onOcdtober 12. So ends a friendship that began in their early school days.
Attend and youwill hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The boyscouts are having alumunum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripplel children.
The church will host and evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,and
gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5.00pm - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in he basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7pm there wil be hymn singing in the park across the church. Bring a blanket and prepare to sin.
The eight graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet on Thursday, October 25th at 7pm. Everyone us invited to this tragedy.
Weight Watchers wil hold their meeting on Deember 1, at 7pm, please use the large double doors!
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campagin slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours!"
Re: Today's Joke
The Young and Old Priest
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plus bucket theater seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."
The young priest nodded and the one one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to thehe music woudl bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.
We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priet, "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional."
"But Father," protested the young pirest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!""
"I know son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign........"Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell," can't stay on the church roof!"
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plus bucket theater seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."
The young priest nodded and the one one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to thehe music woudl bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.
We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priet, "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional."
"But Father," protested the young pirest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!""
"I know son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign........"Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell," can't stay on the church roof!"
-
keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
COLLECTIVE CULPABILITY
The Press (Murdoch et al) always demanding
that more power be vested in that Boadicea
of public behaviour, Laura Norder.
The Police, colluding in criminal acts
exposed by the phone-hacking scandal;
the bankers, unrepentantly bringing the country
to its knees by their greedy recklessness;
the politicians, caught with their hands
in the expenses till,
and the rioters filmed on CCTV looting and burning.
To paraphrase: 'Truly they are all in this (mess) together.'
The Press (Murdoch et al) always demanding
that more power be vested in that Boadicea
of public behaviour, Laura Norder.
The Police, colluding in criminal acts
exposed by the phone-hacking scandal;
the bankers, unrepentantly bringing the country
to its knees by their greedy recklessness;
the politicians, caught with their hands
in the expenses till,
and the rioters filmed on CCTV looting and burning.
To paraphrase: 'Truly they are all in this (mess) together.'
Re: Today's Joke
David Cameron said - We are all in this together...we are, right in it!!
Clever Keith.
Clever Keith.
-
Lena & Harry Smith
- Posts: 21514
- Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:05 am
- Location: London UK
Re: Today's Joke
What hypercrits they are and they have the gall to preach to the thieving rioters. 
Re: Today's Joke
CUCKOO CLOCK - WHY FEMALES SHOULD AVOID A GIRLS NIGHT OUT AFTER THEY ARE MARRIED.
A few nights ago I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight - 'I promise'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas wend down way too easily.
Around 3a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hally started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wakek up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos pus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'...he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew. I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'Oh Shit'' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'
A few nights ago I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight - 'I promise'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas wend down way too easily.
Around 3a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hally started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wakek up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos pus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'...he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew. I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'Oh Shit'' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'