Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

STEP CHANGE

The flak currently assailing our embattled prime minister
seems to have hobbled his usual surefootedness.
He began his speech in Oxford yesterday with the words:
'It's time for our country to take stock.'
Bless.

[Marian]

I agree Keith, bless!

An old woman was sitting on her patio with her husband sipping on a glass of wine.
I love you so much, I don't know what I would ever do without you she murmured.
Is that you or the wine talking? said her husband.
It's me, talking to the wine, she replied!

[ROBERT M.]

good one Marian................and your's was funny too Karl.

[keithgood838]

MARIAN MERRIMENT

Thanks for the enjoyment
your joke brought us;
we felt liberated by each line;
maybe the old lady
communed with Bacchus,
free speech proponent
and god of wine.



HERITAGE HERESY

A curious little girl asked her mum about
how the human race came into existence.
'Well,' explained her mum, 'in the beginning
God created Adam and Eve; they had children;
their children had children and so on, and now
here we are.
Not entirely convinced by this explanation,
the little girl approached her dad on the same
subject. He told her: 'We started out as monkeys.
After a matter of time they began to change shape,
they lost their body hair and became human,
and now here we are.
The little girl was now confused, so she went back
to her mum: 'Daddy says we came from monkeys.'
'Yes dear,' her mum replied.
'When I told you about Adam and Eve, I was telling you
about our side of the family.'

[karl]

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, were in New York City, The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daugher asked her mother, "Mummy what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?," to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

[mariana44]

Both very funny

[karl]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house.

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it's almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
F***...

[Marian]

Thank you Keith! I love your little lines to us all.

[keithgood838]

Marian, re

IMPROMPTU POSTS

Those lines are always composed
on the hoof,
and their re-reading weakness
is the proof.



FOOTBALL FALLIBILITY

Fabio Capello to England winger, Theo Walcott:
'If you cut in-field again, I'll kill you.'
Theo's reaction:
'I was confused; I didn't know
what was expected of me.'

[Marian]

I know we really appreciate them Keith.

[hpooch]

I'll try my hand at this......

Two bats were hanging upside down inside their cave....One bat said to other bat---
"There is one thing I fear on getting older"
The other bat questions him: "What Is That?"
>
<
>
>
The Answer:
>
<
>
< Please go to my entry following this for the punch line.........................

[hpooch]

The answer to the previous entry------"Incontinence!"

[keithgood838]

Very droll debut indeed, Henry. More please.
I enjoyed it so much that, if you don't mind,
I have converted it to verse form and added
it to my comedy collection:

AGE ANGST

Two bats upside down in their habitat.
One says: 'I've a late-life foreboding sense.'
Says the concerned other: 'What is that?'
Says the first: 'We should fear incontinence.'



Henry, you may not have read this:

THE FLY ON THE PAGE

He sneaked onto my book of verse
surreptitious as a thief
where fate dealt him a stick end,
far from the flyleaf.
A few strokes of my eraser
and all traces were gone.

One moment Icarus in the sun,
the next - oblivion.

Keith Good

[hpooch]

Thanks, Keith.....I prefer your revision of my joke which was more subtle and more British!
I originally saw this joke in a cartoon which was funnier visually than in a text form.


Here's a short one......................

The Doctor placed his stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall. He instructed her, "Big Breaths"...."Yes, They Used to Be", remorsed the patient.

[keithgood838]

A good medical one, Henry.
Here's one in like vein.

STETHOSCOPIC SIMILARITY

The doctor put a stethoscope to the patient's chest.
'How do I stand?' the patient enquired tentatively.
'That's what puzzles me,' pondered the doctor.