Today's Joke

[Marian]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"



The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[ROBERT M.]

Good one Marian ................first joke on here for a while

[Sandra]

[Marian]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. ‘What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor




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This is good - wait for it .... .... ..... ...... ....










'Your mother must have been a carrier'

[ROBERT M.]

[keithgood838]

Hello Lena & Harry, and thanks for your warm welcome back
on the poetry thread.

PARROT PENITENCE

The pet-owner had become increasingly intolerant
of his parrot's unseemly behaviour. Not so much
a bird of paradise as the bird from hell.
'If you don't begin to behave better, I'll make you
pay a heavy price for your truculence,' he warned
the belligerent bird.
To no avail. The tantrums, loud squawking and occasional
expletive continued unabated until, in exasperation,
the owner deposited the bolshie bird in the fridge
and shut the door.
After a few moments of splenetically strident objections,
emanating from the cooler, all suddenly went ominously
quiet. Thinking his pet may be in life-threatening danger,
the owner quickly opened the fridge door to be greeted
by a very contrite parrot. 'I've learned my lesson,'
declared the repentant bird,' before adding in suitably
hushed, admonished tones, 'but tell me,
what did the chicken do?'

[keithgood838]

IN-STORE INCOGNISANCE

A lady customer entered an electrical store,
picked up an iron, called over a young assistant
and enquired: 'Is this a steam iron?'
'No,' he replied unhelpfully,
'it's electric.'

[mariana44]

Hope you had a good holiday, Keith.

[Gray]

Has this been posted already?
Apologies if it has!

80 yr old Bill goes to the Doc's for a check up and when he's finished the Doc says " Bill you're the fittest 80 yr old I've ever seen, in fact your fitter than many 30yr olds I've seen"

"That's great Doc" says Bill "cause I'm getting married next week"

"Well congratulations" say the doc " how old is the bride to be?"

"79" replies Bill.

The Doc wishes him the best of luck and old Bill replies, "Thanks doc cause we're planning to start a family soon."

"Whoa, hold on a minute Bill" says the Doc " your in good shape but do not jump the gun too soon, I think you should leave me a sperm sample just to see if everything is still functioning." and the Doc hands him a sample bottle, "take this and bring me a sample tomorrow, Bill."

The following day Bill returns.

"Well Bill how'd it go?" asks the doctor.

"Well," says Bill, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, we even asked Mabel from next door to give it a go but...........

we still can't get the lid off the bottle!!!"

[Gray]

Oh, I heard this from a friend...

I used to work at Kwik-Fit, but I gave up the job. Every day I was tyred and exhausted.

[Gray]

And finally, one more...
Paddy McCoy

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he
was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and
they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your
staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there’s the farm hand, I pay him €240 a week,
and he has a free cottage.

Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets €190 a week, along with
free board and lodging.

There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of
the work, earns about €25 a week, along with a bottle of whisky,
and as a special treat occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That’s disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the
half-wit."

"That’ll be me then," said Paddy.

[karl]

[mariana44]

They were very funny Gray. !

[Marian]

Good ones Gray!

[keithgood838]

Very giggle-inducing, Gray.
I particularly like the Irish one;
Paddy turned out to be a typically
self-deprecating, witty 'half-wit'.


PS Nice holiday, thank you Marian(a).
'It's very nice to go trav'lling,
but it's so much nicer to come home.'