Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

Karl, I posted the following long before
you joined the forum; I reprise it now
just for you:

Teacher to Jenny: 'What's a thimble?'
Jenny: 'it's a thort of thign.'

[keithgood838]

TALLY HO!

As the media hunt
has its blood-thirsty way,
an unwitting new target arrives;
it's a safe punt
this latest prey will get away,
but it affirms their danger-fraught lives.

[keithgood838]

WARNING SHOT

ANY PERSONS (EXCEPT GOLFERS)
CAUGHT COLLECTING GOLF BALLS
ON THIS COURSE WILL BE PROSECUTED
AND HAVE THEIR BALLS REMOVED

[keithgood838]

C'mon fellow funsters, don't leave all
the comic contributions to me.
I hope the following verse will make you smile:

DELAYED DENOUEMENT

Liam Fox actually resigned a week ago;
he handed his letter to Oliver Letwin
who deposited it in a park litter bin.
It took that time for the ending of the farrago
to find its way to the PM's tray marked IN.

[Gray]

You do supply most of the mirth on this forum, Keith, and we really appreciate it!

Here's a corny one for you:

Did you hear about the midget fortune-teller who escaped from a prison?
He was a small medium at large.

Or, how about the soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray - he is now a seasoned veteran.

[Marian]

Well done both of you.

This isn't really a joke at my age!

Someone had to remind me,

so I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh...

It’s all true!

Perks of being over 60 . . .

1.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5.
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac

6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.

8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.

9.
You can’t live without
your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge

12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.

13.
You sing along
with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get
much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.

20.


Don't take a sleeping pill and laxative at the same time.

[ROBERT M.]

.................some of them are ringing true .................to me ...............

[keithgood838]

Good ones, Gray. Robert, you are an untested colt
in the ageing stakes. To continue Marian's mirthful
theme:

MONEY-MAKING MYOPIA

An estate agent is trying to sell a very old man
a new home. 'This property would make a marvellous
investment,' he proposes grandly.
'You must be joking,' rejoinders the old guy.
'At my age I don't even buy green bananas.'

[Marian]

That gave me a smile Keith! It reminded me of a time I was thinking of buying some bananas in Sainsbury's, but they were all very green. Another would-be customer asked an employee "Do these come in any other colour?"

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Well, anything could happen Marian. There are purple carrots around now

[Gray]

Loved your list, Marian!

[Marian]

Thanks Gray. None of them apply to you yet, but just you wait!!
I don't like the idea of purple carrots Lena!!

[keithgood838]

I bet you were thought you were going bananas
in Sainsbury's, Marian. Let's maintain the fruit-flavoured
motif:

COMICAL CONSEQUENCES

Headline provoked by the recent hi-tech
communications hiatus:

BLACKBERRY JAM ENHANCES APPLE TURNOVER

Should Iphones also be subject to outage next time,
we can look forward to this headline:

BLACKBERRY AND APPLE CRUMBLE



PS Remember the fabled Fleet Street adage:
'Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.'

[Marian]

Love your headlines Keith. Very tasty!

[keithgood838]

Thanks Marian. A very palatable book of the dear departed
Tommy Cooper jokes has just been published. Potential Christmas
present delicacy?

DISMAYING DEVILMENT

Here's a sample from Tommy's titbits:

A guy enters an antique dealer's shop and shouts:
'What's new?'

Here's one of mine:

A diner at The Fat Duck in Bray shouts:
'Hey Heston, got any brown sauce?'