Today's Joke

[ROBERT M.]

Never tried a Roast Budgie sandwich before, Keith .......................we lost Rocky, one of out three Budgies last week

[Gray]

I am very sorry to hear this Robert, but are you sure he isn't just pining for the fjords?
Or resting? The Norwegian Blue likes to rest.
Beautiful plumage.





(Sorry, Robert, but I couldn't resist! Eek!)

[Marian]

I've heard of hamsters and tortoises rising from the grave Gray, but not budgies (yet!)
Happy Halloween everyone!

[Gray]

Hi Marian, maybe i should of explained that my silly response to Robert's loss was to quote lines from Monty Python's Dead-Parrot sketch.

[Marian]

I got it Gray.

[keithgood838]

I lost my broadband connection at Halloween;
I think it may be BT's idea of a seasonal trick.
Still, at least I missed you guys giving me the bird.

TIME UP, TIDY UP

Gordon was in hospital about to undergo a major operation,
to the extent that his doctor suggested he should put his
affairs in order.
'Let me see,' ventured Gordon.
'First, there was Anne, then Sheila,
then I think it was Pamela ...

[ROBERT M.]

I hope his wife wasn't listening to him at that time

[keithgood838]

Robert, I think she would have exclaimed
apoplectically: 'Gordon Bennett!'

GARDENING GUIDANCE

A beautiful lady gardener loved growing tomatoes,
but didn't possess the gift for turning them red.
She enquired of a gardening acquaintance:
'How do you manage to get your tomatoes so red?'
He replied: 'Twice a day I stand before them
in my trench coat and flash them; they turn red
in embarrassment.'
The lady gardener decided to adopt that method,
so she flashed them twice a day for two weeks.
Later she encountered her fellow gardener again
who enquired: 'How did you get on, did your tomatoes
turn red?'
'No,' she smiled smugly,
'but my cucumbers are enormous!'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

no mention of the marrows then Keith.

[keithgood838]

Very funny bone-tickling, riposte, L&H.

[keithgood838]

SOFT SHOE SEEING

Luigi is captivated by a pair of leather Armani shoes
he spies in a shop window. He saves the $300
asking price and decides to give his prized purchase
their first outing at the Friday night Italian community
dance in the church basement.
On taking to the floor with his first partner he asks:
'Sophia, do you weara red panties tonight?'
Startled, she confides: 'Yes, but how do you know?'
'I see the reflection in my new $300 leather Armani shoes;
do you lika them?' he says, glancing at them lovingly.
Next he asks Rosa to dance and soon asks of her:
'Rosa, do you weara white panties tonight?'
'Yes, Luigi I do, but how do you know that?'
'I see them reflected in my new $300 leather Armani shoes.'
As the evening draws (no pun intended) to a close,
Luigi finds himself once more on the floor, this time
in the arms of coquettish Carmela.
Midway through the dance he blushes crimson:
'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please tell me you wear
no panties tonight.'
She smiles suggestively, and confesses:
'Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight.'
'Thanka God, I thought I had a cracka in my new $300 leather Armani shoes.'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

So, a shining example, and worth the $300.

[Marian]

[Marian]

Apologies if these have been added before... some of them seem familiar

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very clever, enjoyed these Marian