Today's Joke

[karl]

I went into the attic last night to get the decorations down and found a present I had bought the kids last year but had forgotten to give them.

I am really gutted about it as they would of loved a kitten.

Oh Gray, you are B A D !!!!!!

[Gray]

I watched Benny Hill on dvd last night, and here is a piece of interesting trivia courtesy of him:
He remembered the good old days when theatre patrons would hiss at the orchestra pit if they weren't very good.
But, not many theatre's these days can afford an orchestra, or to put it another way, they don't have a pit to hiss in.

[Marian]

Have you been into the crackers already Gray?!!

[karl]

Never mind the crackers Marian I think he's been at the sherry!

[Gray]

Yes, the Christmas Sherry has been well and truly uncorked

[Marian]

Every good wish to you Amanda, Holly and Cate Gray. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas!

[Gray]

Thanks Marian, we are all fine here, looking forward to the festivities.
Tonight we are going to the opening night of the York Theatre Royal panto, can't wait!

Hope you and yours are well too!

[Marian]

We are all well too thanks Gray. Enjoy the panto!

[keithgood838]

DISCOMFORT DISCLOSURE

Florence, 1504: 'Please hurry up, Leonardo,
I've been sitting here so long I've got cramp.'
'Be quiet, don't be a moaner, Lisa.'

[karl]

That's W I C K E D !!!!!!!

[Sandra]

[keithgood838]

Perhaps the joke explains the slightly strained
enigmatic smile - a kind of da Vinci code.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Hadn't thought of that Keith, but yeah, slightly constipated look.

[karl]

There was a guy and he had a girlfried called Lorraine.
She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river.
The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing... What was he singing, you ask???



"I Can See Clearly Now Lorraine is Gone..."

[karl]

Only In Britain - Complaints To Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.


2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6 . My lavatory set is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet seat is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his none wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

14. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

15. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.