Today's Joke

[karl]

GOLF CLUB SIGN

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

[keithgood838]

A few golfing giggles there, Karl.
I'll pass it on.

DISTANCE DIAGNOSIS

A golf coach pinpoints his pupil's main failing:
'The problem is that you're standing too near the ball,
after you've hit it.'

[keithgood838]

STOWAWAY SUBTERFUGE

A young girl finds herself disconsolately drawn
to the Portsmouth dockland area. She is in such deep
despair over her meaningless, empty existence
that she contemplates ending it all by throwing herself
into the sea.
Before she can carry out the act of desperation, however,
a vibrant young sailor manages to talk her out of it:
'You have so much in life to look forward to,' he assures
her. 'We are sailing to Australia on the next tide.
I can stow you away on board my ship; I'll bring you
food every day and keep you happy.'
With nothing to lose, combined with an unfulfilled desire
to visit Australia, she agrees to his proposition.
So begins a daily routine at sea, which includes nightly
assignations of shared food and drink and inevitable lovemaking.
Two weeks into the voyage, following a routine inspection
of the vessel, the girl is discovered by the ship's captain:
'What are you doing here?' he demands angrily.
'I have an arrangement with a member of your crew,'
she explains. 'He brings me food and drink and I get free
passage to Australia.' Her conscience gets the better
of her and she further confesses:
'Plus he's screwing me.'
'He certalnly is,' asserts the captain.
'This is the Isle of Wight ferry!'

[ROBERT M.]

Another good one Keith ............I didn't see that ending coming

[hpooch]

QUESTION - - ARE THERE TOO MANY IMMIGRANTS IN GREAT BRITAIN?

17% SAID YES....11% SAID NO...72% SAID "I AM NOT UNDERSTANDING THE QUESTION PLEASE."

I thought you Brits would appreciate the above Humor..........Henry

[keithgood838]

BOTTLED BADINAGE

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup
out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked
her five-year-old daughter to answer it:
'Mummy can't come to the phone now,
she's hitting the bottle.'

Here's my verse take on the topic,
which I present to posterity under the psuedonym
Emile N Amis:

DRESSING DOWNFALL

Sometimes the condiment congeals
probably because the cap seals,
so when one shakes the ketchup bottle
none will come out - and then a lot'll ...
yet a soupcon when having meals
ensures no hiccup of the glottal.

[karl]

Keith someone sent me the joke about the Isle Of Wight Ferry a few weeks ago but I didn't have the nerve to put it on Matt's site - but YOU did - you little devil!!!!!

[keithgood838]

STOWAWAY STORY
by The Little Devil

Karl, my friend, no need to be scared of it;
the tale is scarcely x-certificate.
The measure of a joke, for my money,
is if it is laugh-inducing funny,
though we must be mindful when sharing 'em
that this website is in memoriam.
Matt himself was an ace storyteller
(he weaved funny asides into the narrative) -
singer, comedian, 24-carat fella.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

I remember Ann Shelton in between songs telling this joke when she appeared at our club back in the Eighties, except she used the Woolwich Ferry instead of the IOW Ferry. She also said...instead of screwing ...the Captain's had me Three times
So if our Anne can tell em there's not too much we need fear here. Mind you she did say that Tommy Trinder told her that one.

[karl]

Yes you sometimes get a shock at some celebrities when they come out with things like that - however it is much funnier in the version that is undiluted!!!!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

I always think there are Two kinds of sexual jokes and humour Karl. They can either be funny or plainly crude, and as for those stand up comedians on TV strutting up and down the stage .. I can't bear to watch them. I find their humour about as funny as having gangrene, and i'm generally baffled as to what has been said that has made the audience laugh.
Are they given the cue or am I losing my sense of humour

[keithgood838]

CONCERNING CAMPANOLOGY

When poor Quasimodo breathed his last
the Notre Dame cathedral advertised
for a new bellringer. The bishop conducted
the interviews personally. Having discounted
several unsuitable candidates, he was astounded
to be confronted by an armless applicant.
'But you have no arms!'
'No matter,' asserted man.
'Observe!'
To the bishop's astonishment, the applicant began
striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful
sound on the carillon.
However he had sounded his own death knell
because in his eagerness to repeat the performance,
he rushed forward, tripped and fell headlong
out of the belfry window.
A crowd that had been drawn by the beautiful
bellringing, now gathered round the lifeless figure.
As they let the ashen-faced bishop through
the throng a bystander asked:
'Who is that armless man?'
'I don't know,' replied the distraught bishop.
'But his face rings a bell.'



The quest for a replacement bellringer continues -
watch this space.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

[Sandra]

Very funny

[karl]

No Lena & Harry most stand up comedians leave me cold, many of the peopel who meke me laugh are straight actors in a comedy role, for instance the other week I was watching a dvd of WIll & Grace and Michael Douglas played a gay detective - that was funny.

Many years ago a friend of mine who had his own record shop got comp seats for Billy Connolly, we both walked out about five minutes after he came on, he is a good actor but I don't like his humour. So no, it's not just you.