Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

(No 3) The Cold-eaten Comestible

A man entered a bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, sir,' came the barman's cheery reply.
'That'll be one penny.'
'One penny!' exclaimed the incredulous customer.
Feeling peckish he then enquired:
'How much for a juicy steak and bottle of wine?'
'Ten pence,' sir.
'Ten pence!' Where's the owner of this gastropub?'
'He's upstairs with my wife.'
'What's he doing upstairs with you wife?'
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

[karl]

I'll bet the upstairs business didn't last long once the owner found out!!!

[Marian]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to
the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies
sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about
the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM
tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I
don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show
him........"

[karl]

Gee you're all working well today!!!!

[keithgood838]

VACUOUS VISIONS

Wife texts husband at work:
'Windows frozen at home,
what should I do?'
Husband: 'Spray some de-icer
or pour hot water on them.'
Wife to husband a few minutes later:
'Done that, now computer
won't work at all!'

[karl]

Keith are you in cahoots with friends of mine? Somebody sent me that days ago!!!!

[ROBERT M.]

Karl, you should have posted it on here

[karl]

I get some crackers from Australia that have me choking with laughter.

[keithgood838]

C'mon Karl, don't be coy,
post those crackers for all to enjoy,
and be this thread's 'poster' boy.

ACCOUNTABLE AFFAIRS

(No 4) Deathbed Denouement

Jake lay dying; his wife sat at his bedside.
He gazed at her guiltily and muttered weakly:
'I have something to confess.'
'There's no need to.'
'Yes there is. I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother.'
'I know, now rest and let
the poison take effect.'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Love it.

[keithgood838]

Hi L&H; here's another that I hope
will also make you chuckle:

DRESSING DOWN

A dutiful husband walks into an Ann Summers store
to buy some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities ranging in price
from £50 to £150 pounds. The more see-through,
the higher the price.
Self-interestedly, he opts for the expensive item
and on arriving home presents it to his missus
and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him.
While upstairs she concocts a clever plan:
'This garment is so see-through I may as well
do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow
and keep the refund for myself.'
So she appears in her birthday suit at the top of the stairs
and strikes a pose.
The husband exclaims in dismay:
'I've been robbed; it wasn't that creased in the shop!'
His funeral takes place this Thursday.

[karl]

OK Keith you asked for it, here's the one that had me choking with laughter at the weekend.


IRISH VIAGRA

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him a 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked

'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went. '

It was a week later when she called the doctor. When he inquired as to her progress, the poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well,l I did as you advised and slipped it in his cofee and the effect was amost immediate, He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'


'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[karl]

And here's another

RAMBLING ROSE

**Oh what a tangled language English is**

*And how easy it is to misconstrue......*

*A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.*

*The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.*

*You looked so beautiful, you remind of of a beautiful rambling rose.
May I call on you tomorrow?*

*She agrees and a date is made*

*The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.*


*He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked*

*She said 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'.*

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very funny, Keith and Karl. Thanks for giving us a good laugh.

[keithgood838]

WONKY WORDINGS WORLDWIDE

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in bar

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner,
if dressed as a man

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
Drop your trousers here for best results

In a Nairobi restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude,
ought to see the manager

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
Take notice: when this sign in under water
the road is impassable

In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves

Tokyo hotel rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke, or do other
disgusting behaviours in bed

On a Swiss restaurant menu:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid

Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage
of the chambermaid