Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

Glad you are enjoying this thread, Eman.
The rivers and reservoirs are drying up here
in the South East of England. Consequently,
a hosepipe ban was imposed at the beginning
of April - we haven't had a rain-free day since,
and the showers are set to continue for the
foreseeable future.
I think we have imported rainy Irish weather:
it is the wettest drought in meteorological history.

[karl]

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done, The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to my water glass. If I start to get nervous, I would take a sip".

So nextd Sunday mornign he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermonm he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door.

1. I said, SIP vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10,
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. The recommended grace before meals is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!
11. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very funny,

[karl]

SVEN and OLE JOKE

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemploymenet office.

When asked his occupation, Ole answered. "Panty Stitcher" ."I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskiilled labor. she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor".

"What skill?" yelled Old. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says. "Yah, diesel fitter."

[Eman]

Keith and Karl, you are killing me!! If I croaked at my desk in the office right now, I'd probably have a grin from reading your jokes. Keep em' comin, they make a good stress reliever from the job!!

[karl]

There's more to come but we don't want to kill you!!!!

[Eman]

From a low snicker to a loud guffaw!! Go for it!!

[Marian]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,




(you are going to love this…..)








"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[ROBERT M.]

[karl]

The #2 Pencil

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept throuigh the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret. who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting beside her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A ittle later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ'!!! shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said. 'Very good' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third questiom...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted. 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The Nun fainted.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Ha Ha Ha

[karl]

Good one Marian

[karl]

SOME OLD*SOME NEW*NEW*SOME DUMB*SOME COOL

T-SHirt Slogans

1. Frankly, Scallop. I Don't Give A Clam (Seen on Cape Cod)

2. That's It! I 'm Calling Grandma (Seen on an 8 year old)

3. Wrinkled Was Not One Of The Things I Wantd To Be When I Grew Up

4. Proscrastinate Now

5. Rehab Is For Quitters

6. My Dog Can Lick Anyone

7. I Have A Degree In Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That

8. Party - My Crib - Two A.M (On a baby-size shirt)

9. Finally 21, and legally able to do everything I've Been Doing Since 15

10. ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS AND I MARRIED THEIR KING

11. West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names

12. Failure Is Not An Option, It Comes Bundled With The Software

13. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN

14. A hangover is the wrath of grapes

15. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

16. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elswehere

17. Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music

18. MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose

19. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

20. Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit The Frog

21. POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN...Cops have nothing to go on

22. Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh

23. A picture is worth a thousand words, but is uses up a thousand times the memory

24. The meek shall inherit the earth...after we're through with it

25. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

26. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig

27. WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music

29. IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEEENEX?

30. Suicical Twin Kills Sister By Mistake

31. MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

32. Computer Programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit

33. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by the Three-Mile-Island cleanup team

34. Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine

35. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't

[Marian]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.


He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.



He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &
saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on
top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw
to strike him...



At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well.' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:



'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[karl]

Oooohhhhh Marian!!!!!!!!