Today's Joke

[Eman]

No, that some churches are using "rock" music to get younger people to go hear the word of God!

[karl]

THE QUEEN & DOLLY GO TO HEAVEN

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton died on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven,

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, And i'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats A Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.

[keithgood838]

NAUGHTY NOMENCLATURE

There is a steep hill in Hay-On-Wye
called, Lord Hereford's Knob.

The Piddle is a small rural river in Dorset.

The village shop in Knockin in Shropshire
bears the predictable name.

There is a social centre in Rotherham
called the Idle Working Men's Club.

The Piddlehinton Brewery in Dorset (the county
has an admirable sense of humour) has recently
launched a novelty beer that comes in a black
bottle, which they named Piddle. (The advertising
slogan is, Have You had A Piddle Today?)
An ingenious way to cut out the middle man.

[karl]

And let's not forget Intercourse, Pennsylvania - I just HAD to send a postcard to the office from there many years ago!!!!

[Eman]

LOL Keith and Karl, I'm LMBO...but I'm also hacking away with this cough!!

[Marian]

I can hear the groans already!

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."


2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"


6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."


7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).


10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[Lena & Harry Smith]

very good Marian, thanks for posting

[karl]

Yes I raised a few chuckles myself, very clever.

[keithgood838]

Thanks Marian, those quips certainly exercised my chuckle muscle.
They reminded me of a Vinism I heard recently:
'I remember when our dad used to put us in a car tyre
and roll us down a slope; they were the good years.'

TESTING TIMES

Arrivals at the pearly gates are screened for their suitability
to enter the kingdom of heaven, based on their last day on Earth.
The first applicant of the day presented his credentials:
'I came home early and found my wife naked in bed. I instantly
sensed infidelity and proceeded to look for her lover. I went
on to the balcony of our fourth-floor apartment and found
the Lothario clinging to a rail. Incensed, I bashed his fingers
with a flower pot until he let go; however his fall was broken
by an awning and some bushes. On seeing he had survived,
I summoned a superhuman effort sufficient to heave our cedar
chest over the balcony; it landed on the philanderer and killed
him instantly. At this point the accumulated stress of my predicament
induced a massive heart attack and I died.' The applicant was
sympathetically directed towards the next stage of the admittance
procedure.
The second applicant began his submission: 'I was working
on the roof of a apartment building when I stumbled and toppled
off. I managed to grab a balcony rail on the fourth floor when
some idiot bashed my hands with a flower pot. My fall was broken
by an awning and some shrubbery and I somehow survived.
My relief, like my survival, was shortlived when a huge cedar chest
hit me and, consequently, here I am.' The examiner nodded him
in the direction of celestial recompense for his earthly misfortune.
He was still giggling when the third applicant approached:
'Forgive me, but I doubt whether your last day on Earth was
as eventful as that of the fellow who has just preceded you.'
'I don't know. Picture this: I'm stark naked, hiding in this cedar chest ...'

[Marian]

Good one Keith!

[Eman]

Heh heh..Marian, you made me laugh!
Keith, both you and Karl are going to make me die laughing!! LOL Keep em' comin! These jokes make my day!!

[Marian]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.



She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.



A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."



Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.



Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."



Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.



"Where are you going?" she asked..



"To get my teeth!"

_____________________________________



DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE



80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"



An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"



Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________



OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.



One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."



Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,



"How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________



SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his car phone rang..

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I25.

Please be careful!"



"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

_____________________________________



SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.



As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."





She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him,

she said, "Supersex."





He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take

the soup."

_____________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely

see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major

crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.



The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing

it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few

more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red

again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat

was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned

that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on

through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you

know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have

killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"



Please !!!! Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!

[keithgood838]

ASSISTANCE ADMINISTERED

A friend of mine, Charlie, was sacked on the first day
of his new job at the Samaritans.
A guy called Daffyd phoned:
'I'm lying here on the railway track
waiting for the train, isn't it.'
Charlie responded:
'Please remain calm and stay on the line.'

[Eman]

Marian and Keith, just what I needed to take the blahs away from the workday...Hmmm is Karl gonna chime in?

[karl]

ACTUAL CALL CENTRE CONVERSATIONS

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.


Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: ONpage 1, section 5, of the user guide irt clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'

RAC MOTORING SERVICES

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?'
Operator: Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

Then there was a caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller; 'Yes, that's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.