Today's Joke

[karl]

As Eamon goes into shock if I don't post a joke this one's for him!

HUNG CHOW

Hung Chow: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I reallysick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Eman]

LOL Karl!!!

[karl]

THE BRIDGE

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled lover and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your requeste is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for wordly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possisbly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied:

'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

[Eman]

ROTFLMBO!!!!

[keithgood838]

TRANSATLANTIC TALK

I flew to New York and was met by an old friend
at the airport. He offered to drive me to my hotel
and as we walked to his car we reminisced about
old times. I commented: 'We have been through
a lot together.'
He threw me a slightly quizzical glance before replying:
'We certainly have but it's the only way
to get to my car.'

[Eman]

LOL!!!!

[keithgood838]

CLASSROOM CHUCKLES

A teacher of English notices a boy staring
out of the window and calls out a question:
'You boy! Give me two pronouns.'
The boy swivels to attention and replies:
'Who?' 'Me.'

Father to son: 'How do you like going to school?'
'The going bit and the coming home bits are fine,
but I'm not keen on the bit in between.'

Dolly Parton was employed as a teacher for a while,
but it didn't work out as planned. Every time she turned round
she wiped everything off the blackboard.

Professor to medical student:
'What happens when the human body is immersed in water.'
Student: 'The telephone rings.'

Teacher to class: 'Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are
in a year?'
Pupil: 'Twelve. The second of January; the second of February ...'

[ROBERT M.]

Very funny Keith

[Eman]

Heh heh, Keith if I croaked right now I'd have a grin on my face. Thanks for always making my day with your jokes and poems!

Same goes for Karl and Marian!

[Gray]

The gags have been really funny lately, thanks for sharing

[keithgood838]

Hi Gray
I took pleasure in dedicating a little verse
to your good self on the Poems thread.
I hope you don't think it was presumptuous of me.

THE BOSS KNOWS BEST

A junior engineer was about to leave work at 5.30pm
when he encountered his somewhat distracted CEO standing
by a shredder with an A4 piece of paper in his hand.
'Listen,' muttered the CEO in confidential tones,
'this is a high level company document and my secretary
is not here. Can you make this thing work?'
'Certainly,' the young man smiled in cheery reply.
He proceeded to switch on the machine, inserted
the paper and pressed the start button.
'Excellent! Excellent!' exclaimed the relieved CEO.
'I just need one copy.'

Lol, and I don't mean lots of love. wink:

[Eman]

Keith, LOL, The Boss was sure a "do-do" brain!!

[karl]

IMAGINE GEORGE BURNS OR ONE OF THOSE OLD TIME COMEDIANS DELIVERING THESE LINES. CORRECT FOR THE POLITICALLY INCORRECT.

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, 'Sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually.'

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black.'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'Fat chance, with a face like that!'

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, 'Where am I?' The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back. 'You're in that basket.'

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself... I'm going to take that'

[Eman]

Mwahhahahahahahahahah!!! Karl, that one really killed me!! It's politically incorrect, but I can just hear an old time comedian from the 60's or 70's doing this as a skit!!

[karl]

TWO PRIESTS.

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it", says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case, " says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles . But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."