Today's Joke

[Lena & Harry Smith]

There is Robert, and that's what they were hoping for on the Fifth floor.

[keithgood838]

That one floored me Robert. Here's one you will
relish L&H.

DESERVED DONATIONS

A driver is stuck in traffic on the M25 (now there's a surprise).
Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls it down and asks: 'What's going on?'
'Nothing much is there,' grins the motorway humorist,
who goes on to explain: 'terrorists are holding all of our
MPs hostage in the House of Commons and are demanding
£110 million ransom, otherwise they are adamant that they
will douse the parliamentarians in petrol and set them alight.
We are going from car to car collecting donations.'
'How much is everyone giving, on average?'
'Roughly a gallon.'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Who wouldn't like that one Keith.

[Marian]

[ROBERT M.]

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Oh I love this one too.

[keithgood838]

A pleasurably unpredictable ending, except for
the hapless husband.

PERMISSION PLANNING

The south-east hosepipe ban imposed on us in April
came arms-linked with seven weeks of rain;
now the ban has been lifted as dry summer weather
makes a welcome appearance again.

[Marian]

We still have a ban where we are Keith. I think everything should be left to nature with regard to the weather.

[Marian]

> The Irish versus the French.
>
The French President is sitting in his office
> when his telephone rings.
>
>
> 'Hallo, Mr. Teacozy !'
> a heavily accented voice said. 'This is
> Paddy
> down at the Harp Pub in County Clare ,
> Ireland . I am ringing to inform you
> that we are officially declaring war on you! We
> voted to reject the Lisbon
> treaty!'
> 'Well Paddy, my name
> is Sarkozy
> he replied.
> How big is your army?'
>
> 'Right now,' says
> Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there
> is
> myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door
> neighbour
> Seamus, and the entire darts team from the
> pub.
> That makes eleven!
> Sarkozy
> paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I
> have
> 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on
> my
> command.'
>
> 'Begorra!'
> says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
>
> Sure
> enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
> 'Mr.
> Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have
> managed to
> get us some infantry equipment!'
>
> 'And
> what equipment would that be Paddy?'
> Sarkozy
> asks.
>
> 'Well,
> we have two combines, a bulldozer, and
> Murphy's
> farm tractor.'
>
> Sarkozy
> sighs, amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy,
> that I
> have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured
> personnel
> carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
> 150,000 since we last spoke.'
>
>
> 'Saints
> preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have
> to get back
> to you.'
>
>
> Sure
> enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
> 'Mr.
> Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have
> managed to
> get ourselves airborne! We have modified
> Jackie
> McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of
> shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from
> the
> Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
>
>
> Sarkozy
> was silent for a minute and then cleared
> his
> throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that
> I have 100
> bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
> bases are surrounded by laser-guided,
> surface-to-air missile sites. And since we
> last
> spoke, I have increased my army to 200,
> 000!'
>
>
> 'Jesus,
> Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have
> to
> ring you back.'
>
>
> Sure
> enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
> 'Top o'
> the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to
> inform
> you that we have had to call off the war.'
>
>
> 'Really?
> I am sorry to hear that,' says
> Sarkozy. 'Why the
> sudden change of heart?'
>
>
> 'Well,'
> says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a
> few pints
> of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we
> decided there is no fookin' way we can feed
> 200,000 prisoners.'

[Lena & Harry Smith]

another good one.

[keithgood838]

WEATHER WARNING

Heed well water authorities,
the wise words Marian speaks;
hosepipe bans the rain gods displease
while you should be stopping leaks.


It was so cold the politicians
had their hands in their own pockets.

What is a bigamist? An Italian fog.

[karl]

OLE and LENA

Vell, Ole and Lena vent to the same Lutheran Church. Lena vent every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole vent on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he vent on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays he vas in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vat a fine looking woman she vas.

While dey were taking up the collection Ole leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Ja, Ole dat vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck, All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.

Then - he reached into his pocketr and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena,"said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vot vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Ja, Old, dat vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting", said Ole.
"Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

[Eman]

These jokes make me smile and help me get through the workday!!

[karl]

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how LOt's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday School teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH
A Sunday ASchool teacher asked, "Johnny, do yuou think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No." replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. The he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you? his Mother asked.

"Well, no., Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sundy School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the say that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shpherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked. "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"

TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers everynight.

"Yes, sir." the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

No sir, "the boy replied. "I aint' scared in the daytime."

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny receivedf his plater, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait iuntil we say our prayers," said his mother.

"I dont' need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

[Eman]

Karl, you have me snickering behind this desk!!! LOL