Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

Hi Eman
I have tweaked your poem entitled Humour
and I am pleased with it now. Thanks for providing
the inspiration.

COMEDY COOPERISMS

(1) Two blondes walked into a building - you'd think
one of them would have seen it.

(2) Phone answering message: 'If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key.'

(3) A guy enters a psychiatrist's consulting room
wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink comments:
'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

(4) I went out to buy camouflage trousers
the other day - I couldn't find any.

(5) My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli -
a strong currant pulled him in.

(6) I went to a Seafood Disco last week -
and pulled a muscle.

(7) Somebody actually complimented me on my driving -
they left a note saying, 'Parking Fine'.

(8) Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor
of his van covered in hundreds and thousands.
Police said that he topped himself.

(9) Police arrested two youngsters yesterday:
one was drinking battery acid and the other was
eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

(10) A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet:
'My dog is cross-eyed; is there anything
you can do for him?'
The vet picks up the animal the better
to make a close examination, then pronounces
haltingly: 'I'll have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'

[Eman]

Thanks Keith!!
I almost spat out my supper reading this on my Ipad!! LOL

[karl]

Oh Keith, you are B A D !!!!!

[Eman]

Hey Keith, do you tell your wife and kids these jokes? Ha ha!! You're a funny guy!! Love it!!

[keithgood838]

Hi Eman
I seem to have the weather on my mind at the moment.

SPELLS AT SEA

A ship's captain radios a lighthouse keeper:
'Radio reception is very poor, please spell out
your weather report.' The keeper replies:
'W-E-T-H-E-R R-E-P-0R-T.'
The captain says in dismay:
'My God, that's the worst spell of weather
I've had in a long time.'

[Marian]

ha ha Keith!

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT,

WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO ..

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND

SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES

THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT

TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY

AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE,

STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT

HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ,

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS,

AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD

HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY

GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE.

THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE

CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED

TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK

TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT

HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME

A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS,

YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND

YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF,

'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG,

I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL

INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.'

SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER

AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT

BETWEEN THEN. WITHOUT THINKING,

SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE,

TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED

PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC..
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE,

SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,

'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT,

PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER

CARD CAME OUT. IT READ,

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS ,

YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU

ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.'

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,

AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF,

'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC

A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.'

BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE

SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING

TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO

THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN

AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE.

SHE SAID TO HERSELF,

'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY

THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE

MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL

ANd ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.



IT READ,
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS,
YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND
AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO '.

[karl]

Brilliant!

[keithgood838]

Hilarious, Marian - worthy of being
recorded in verse:

SPEAK YOU FATE MACHINE
(punchline poem)

Then a booming voice from above resounds:
'You are a nun and and weigh 128 lbs;
you have fiddled around and let an un-nunlike one go,
so your penance is you have missed your flight to Chicago.'

[Marian]

Very clever Keith!

[karl]

Coming back from town today on the bus, I noticed a shop window full of "A Queen For 60 Years" items but there was nothing on Elton John!

Not slagging Elton before you rush to his defence as I like him!

[Eman]

Keith, Funny you should mention the sea, because I am at sea at the moment.

[ROBERT M.]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY! ...............

[karl]

A lot of people think marriage is .... a life sentence!

[keithgood838]

CHARITY RECIPROCITY

The drought here is terrible. The lawn's cracked;
the plants are dying because of the hosepipe ban,
and I can't wash my car - and do we see any African
celebs and sportsmen getting together to play a charity
football match?

[karl]

TUNA and RYE BREAD

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greets her at the Pearly Gates.

"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" saith God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. Whilt eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines.

Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet. The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. A, it is tuna and rye bread.

Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still she says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives, and another can of tuna is opened.
She can't contain herself any longer.

Meekly, she says. "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand..."

God sighs,"Let's be honest," he says. For just two people, does it pay to cook?"