Today's Joke
Re: Today's Joke
Nice one Keith! Keep em' comin!!
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
Thanks Eman, the joke was prompted by a celeb/sportsmen
football match played here in England yesterday, which raised
£6.5m for deprived youngsters in Africa - a heartwarming
effort by everyone connected to the event. Here's another
weather joke:
SOFT SCOTTISH SHOWERS
A tourist arrives at a hotel in a Scottish village
on a cold, grey, drizzly day. Exasperated, he stops
a small boy in the street and enquires plaintively:
'Does the weather here ever change?'
'I don't know; I'm only six years old.'
football match played here in England yesterday, which raised
£6.5m for deprived youngsters in Africa - a heartwarming
effort by everyone connected to the event. Here's another
weather joke:
SOFT SCOTTISH SHOWERS
A tourist arrives at a hotel in a Scottish village
on a cold, grey, drizzly day. Exasperated, he stops
a small boy in the street and enquires plaintively:
'Does the weather here ever change?'
'I don't know; I'm only six years old.'
Last edited by keithgood838 on Fri Jun 15, 2012 7:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Today's Joke
Our son bought a new pair of Puma trainers that arrived in the post this morning. We were amused to see printed on the box...
Average contents - 2
Average contents - 2
Re: Today's Joke
Ah yes! But remember Jake The Peg?
Re: Today's Joke
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday..................
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday..................
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On"
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On"
Re: Today's Joke
Keith, Marian and Robert, you're making me smile too much!! That's a good thing!!
Re: Today's Joke
SPANK THE BABY
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. THe mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.
SPANK HIM AGAIN."
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. THe mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.
SPANK HIM AGAIN."
Re: Today's Joke
TESCO THINK OF EVERYTHING
One day, in line at the words cafeteria, Jack says to behind him 'My elbow hurts like hell, I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
'Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what do do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collectors a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the compter ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amasing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.
1) Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener
2) Your dog has ringworm,
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant,
Twins.
They aren't yours.
Get a Lawyer
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....
THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT TESCO
One day, in line at the words cafeteria, Jack says to behind him 'My elbow hurts like hell, I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
'Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what do do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collectors a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the compter ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amasing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.
1) Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener
2) Your dog has ringworm,
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant,
Twins.
They aren't yours.
Get a Lawyer
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....
THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT TESCO
Last edited by karl on Thu May 31, 2012 4:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
SECOND HELPING
A Scotsman and his wife walked past
a swanky new restaurant last night ...
'Did you smell that food?' she gushed.
'Mouth-watering!'
Showing typical Scottish beneficence
he thought: 'What the hell; I'll treat her.'
So they walked past it again ...
A Scotsman and his wife walked past
a swanky new restaurant last night ...
'Did you smell that food?' she gushed.
'Mouth-watering!'
Showing typical Scottish beneficence
he thought: 'What the hell; I'll treat her.'
So they walked past it again ...
Re: Today's Joke
Keith
Always enjoy your good humour!!
Always enjoy your good humour!!
Re: Today's Joke
Brilliant, Keith! 
Re: Today's Joke
Well done Keith for your poems and your funnies!
for your poems and your funnies!Re: Today's Joke
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
Marian, your funny sic transit gloria mundi
little ball story has given me an idea:
CONTRASTING CONSEQUENCES
Sourced by the vibrant vigour of my youth,
Sunday football was my game;
then as my stamina began to wane
genteel tennis it became.
Now it is pedestrian games of golf
since my running days are finished:
so as the years that mock me swelled in size,
my sphericals diminished ...
Keith Good
little ball story has given me an idea:
CONTRASTING CONSEQUENCES
Sourced by the vibrant vigour of my youth,
Sunday football was my game;
then as my stamina began to wane
genteel tennis it became.
Now it is pedestrian games of golf
since my running days are finished:
so as the years that mock me swelled in size,
my sphericals diminished ...
Keith Good