Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

DIVERSIONARY DISCOVERY
(A true tale I'm told)

A sweet grandmother phoned St Joseph's hospital
and enquired timorously: 'Is it possible to speak
to someone regarding a patients's progress?'
The duty assistant replied helpfully: 'I'll try to
help dear without betraying confidentiality. What's
the patient's name and room number?'
In tremulous tones the old lady said: 'Norma Findlay,
room 302.'
'I'll put you on hold while I check with the nurse's
station for that room.'
After a while the assistant returned to the phone
and announced cheerfully: 'The nurse has told me
that Norma is doing well; her condition is much improved
and Doctor Cohen has scheduled her to be discharged
tomorrow.'
'Thank you,' exclaimed the relieved grandmother.
'God bless you for giving me such good news.'
'You're very welcome; is Norma your daughter?'
'No, I'm Norma Findlay speaking from room 302;
no one tells me bugger all!'

[Eman]

LOL!!! Yeah typical hospital behaviour, especially when you are checking both in and out!! Nice one Keith!!

[karl]

A Punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto he track, sure enough he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for the betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the Priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded 'Father'! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won, then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile - now thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'

'Son', he said. 'That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites.'

[karl]

Gladys failed a Health & Safety course at the senior centre today,

One of the questions was; "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?

"F***ing big one's" was apprarently the wrong answer!

[karl]

IN HONOUR OF STUPID PEOPLE

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer good.

On Tesco's Tiramusi dessert (printed on bottom) - -
'Do not turn upside down.'
(Well,...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Sainsburyu's peanuts - -
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine - -
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread & Butter Pudding - -
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)

On a Seaers hairdryer - -
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos - -
YOu could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside,
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap - -
'Directions: Use like regulal soap/'
(and that would be???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners - -
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron - -
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid - -
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???...)

On most brands of Christmas lights - -
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor - -
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I 'm a bit curious.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts - -
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume - -
'Weareing of this garment does not enabel you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw - -
'Do not attempt to stop chainsaw with your hands of genitals'
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Great aren't they Karl. Remember buying a jar of beetroot with the instructions for opening the lid. Press down and Twist.

[karl]

So Lena don't keep me in suspense, did you twist, shake, shimmy or do a waltz?

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Well Karl I expect by the time I'd been on a Safari and found my Chubby Checker record I would have gone for a slow foxtrot and then some phyllosan

[karl]

Lena I am well and truly lost now, you opened a jar of beetroot, then went on safari to find your Chubby Checker record - have you been at the cooking sherry again???

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Going on a Safari means hunting for something Karl, but not necessarily tigers in Africa. Anyway when you've only got One record by Chubby Checker, it ain't easy

[karl]

Never heard that saying before L&H !

[keithgood838]

RED RAG RETRIBUTION

Charlie arrived sporting a shiny blackeye;
his pal Pete uttered the intrigue-laden cry:
'How did you get that?' Which was a morbid must.
'My wife asked: "What's on the telly?" I said dust.'

[keithgood838]

CAUSTIC CONNUBIAL COMMENTS

Sex is the price women have to pay
for marriage; marriage is the price men
have to pay for sex.

Getting married is like getting into a hot bathtub;
after you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

Guns don't kill people; husbands who come
home early kill people.

Marriage is the only war in which you get
to sleep with the enemy.

[Eman]

LOL..Keith!!!

[karl]

Keith wrote his last story from Emergency Ward 10, they say he'll be fine once the bandages come off - he refused to press charges against his wife!!!!!