Today's Joke

[Lena & Harry Smith]

OK, now this one could definitely mean bandages.

And yes, we women all know .....the way to a mans heart.
To begin with, carefully insert the knife into the chest. ...

[keithgood838]

Caustic comic comments indeed, folks.

RECLINING REWARD

Mairead answers a knock at the door
and is greeted by boyfriend Paddy
who is wearing a big grin and bearing
an armfully big bouquet.
She hauls him inside, spreads herself seductively
on the sofa, whips off her panties and declares:
'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' exhorts Paddy,
'you must have a vase somewhere!'

[Eman]

Keith, naughty naughty!!

[karl]

Yes, as Kojak used to say "That's a Tsk Tsk and a Naughty Naughty".

I think our Keith is a bit of a devil !!!!

[Eman]

Heh heh, so he is Karl, so he is!!

[karl]

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints during the season.

1. "I think it shoudl be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts".

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry, I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "Inadequate"."

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy".

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women".

11. "We bought Ray-Ban sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi driverss as they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven".

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, it only took the Americans three hours to get home".

17, "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller".

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accomodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will be be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad".

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditiong".

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel".

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no one said they could bite".

23. "My fiancee and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant, This would not have happened if you had put us in the room we booked".

[Marian]

[karl]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you "did not" take it,
But the fact reamins that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner..

Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony reseived a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

"I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that is she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

Never Bull Shitta you MaMa

[karl]

Australia in reality - My Tax Returns

Yesterday I got my Tax Return "Returned"

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year,.

however, the ATO sent my Tax Return back!!

I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said:

"List All Dependents"

So, I replied:

1/2 million illegal immigrants
1/4 million crack heads
2 million unemployable people living on welfare

1 million people in over 123 prisons
and
353 fools in Parliament House and the Senate.

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable..

So I sent it back with a question "Did I forget someone?"

[Marian]

An old one but maybe some may not have seen it. Questions with no answers....


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder.......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?





If vegetarians only eat veggies, what do humanitarians eat?

[karl]

Some real crackers there Marian. )

[Sandra]

Marian

[Eman]

Love it Marian!!

[karl]

OBITUARY printed in the London Tmes......Absolutely Brilliant!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Common Sense,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for
sure
how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost
in
bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having
cultivated such valuable lessons as:

-Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
-Why the early bird gets the worm;
-Life isn't always fair;
-And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable
strategies (Adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteroriate rapidly when well-intentioned
but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school
for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked
teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed
to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to
get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin
to a student; but could not inform parents when a student
became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches
became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend
yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could
sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman
failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a
huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust
-by his Wife, Discretion
-by his daughter, Responsibility
-and by his son, Reason

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers:
-I Know My Rights
-I Want It Now
-Someone Else Is To Blame
-I'm A Victim
-Pay Me For Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised
he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the
majority and do nothing.

Although I have inserted this under the jokes section, it isn't really. It makes you think - There's a lot of truth there!

[Marian]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS
FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY
CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY,
OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT BAS TARD ASKED..
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?