Today's Joke

Have you read something that you would like to share with others - now is your chance
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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Mon Jul 23, 2012 3:58 pm

Marian.. :lol: :lol:

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Mon Jul 23, 2012 5:09 pm

:lol: :roll: Heard that one before but it's good to read it again Marian!

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Thu Jul 26, 2012 12:21 pm

Marian, that is a humorous gem refreshingly new to me.
I have passed it on with pleasure. Here's one on a similar
theme that will struggle to compete:

STAND OUT STUPIDITY

A university lecturer addresses his class
for the first time: 'If there are any idiots
in this room stand up now.'
One of the students duly obliges.
'That's interesting,' observes the lecturer.
'Why do you consider yourself to be an idiot?'
'I don't, but I hate to see you standing there
all by yourself.'

:wink:

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Thu Jul 26, 2012 12:46 pm

:lol: Brilliant!

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Thu Jul 26, 2012 2:21 pm

Keith, as we say here "BURN"!!! LOL!! Brilliant indeed!!!

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Marian
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Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Thu Jul 26, 2012 3:20 pm

The parrot and the magician.







A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the
magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot
saw the shows each week and began to understand
how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the
middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!"
or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the
table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of
spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship
unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were
on board.



The magician luckily found himself on a
piece of wood floating in the middle of the
sea, as fate would have it ... With the
parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but
did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days.
And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the
parrot could not hold back any longer and
said...



"OK, I give up. Where's the f****n' ship?"

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Lena & Harry Smith
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Lena & Harry Smith » Thu Jul 26, 2012 10:24 pm

:D :D :D These jokes are brilliant, always give us a good laugh. We love this thread :D

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Marian
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Fri Aug 03, 2012 5:33 pm

PUN FUN

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

Green grocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers, endive into bed.

The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sat Aug 04, 2012 9:39 am

Great stuff Marian; I love puns and I cannot
figure out why people react to them in faux disgust.
The Bard himself was partial to them. Also loved your
'magic' parrot joke.

HIGH DUDGEON DRAMA

Our flight was being served by a flamboyantly gay
cabin crew member who kept everyone on board in
'high' spirits. As the plane prepared for descent
he minced down the aisle and brightly informed us:
'Captain Marvey will be landing this big scary plane
shortly, so lovely people if you would kindly put your
trays up that would be super.'
Everyone complied except for a well-dressed Arabian-
looking lady who treated the request with unmoved disdain.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines,
but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so that the main
man can pitty-pot us to the ground.'
'In my country ,' she asserted imperiously, 'I am a princess
and I take orders from no one.'
To which our flight(y) attendant replied with comic timing:
'Well, sweet cheeks, in my country I am called a queen,
so I outrank you. Tray up bitch!'

:wink:

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Sat Aug 04, 2012 10:09 am

LOL This made me laugh out loud Keith.

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Sat Aug 04, 2012 3:53 pm

LOL Keith, that was classic!!!

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Sun Aug 05, 2012 11:57 am

Note To Pets

The following was found posted very low on the refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that it is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.
I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door.

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN
(1) They live here......you don't.

(2) If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it "fur" niture.

(3) I like my pets a whole lot better than I like most people!

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1) eat less
2) don't ask for money all the time
3) Are easier to train
4) normally come when called
5) never ask to drive the car
6) don't hang out with drug-using people
7) dont'r smoke or drink
8) don't want to wear your clothes
9) don't have to buy the latest fashions
10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
11) if they get pregnant you can sell their children
Last edited by karl on Mon Aug 06, 2012 4:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Mon Aug 06, 2012 1:47 pm

OLYMPICS - I DIDN'T KNOW THIS

Wel I finally found out how the *Olympics* got their name. Read and enjoy.

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

On those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variey of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

"OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half milennia that morphed into "Olympics".

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Lena & Harry Smith
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Lena & Harry Smith » Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:45 pm

Wow. !!!! :D :D :D :D :D... so that explains that Karl. Someone forgot to whisper this in Linford Christie's ear. :D :D

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Mon Aug 06, 2012 4:09 pm

L&H I laughed so hard the first time, the slave girls name did not even register until I read it twice and off I went again, it really brighened my morning and this joke came from Sydney!
Last edited by karl on Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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