Today's Joke
Re: Today's Joke
Mwahaha out of the mouths of babes!! Love it
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Lena & Harry Smith
- Posts: 21514
- Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:05 am
- Location: London UK
Re: Today's Joke
Brilliant jokes. We all need cheering up now and again. Thanks very much 
Re: Today's Joke
ONE FOR THE LADIES
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back. 'Arsenal'.
And they say blonde are dumb...
A couple are lying in bed, The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.
Q.Why do little boys whine?
A. They are practicing to be men.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money', she replied.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back. 'Arsenal'.
And they say blonde are dumb...
A couple are lying in bed, The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.
Q.Why do little boys whine?
A. They are practicing to be men.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money', she replied.
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Lena & Harry Smith
- Posts: 21514
- Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:05 am
- Location: London UK
Re: Today's Joke
definitely for the ladies Karl 
Re: Today's Joke
PUNOGRAPHICS...makes you smile - a bit !!
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl saidi she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A-blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes are't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no Pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you her about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch come fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at the bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.
Velcro what a rip-off !
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer !
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl saidi she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A-blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes are't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no Pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you her about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch come fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at the bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.
Velcro what a rip-off !
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer !
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
IDENTITY CRISIS
On her first day in the job, the airhead secretary
picked up the phone and bawled an order:
'Get me some coffee!'
The voice at the other end responded angrily:
'You idiot, you've dialled the wrong extension!
Do you have any idea who you are talking to?'
'No sir,' she replied timorously.
'I'm the managing director!' he shouted
in near-apoplectic tones.
'And do you know who you are talking to?
'No I don't,' barked the managing director.
'Thank goodness for that,' purred the relieved
secretary and hung up.
On her first day in the job, the airhead secretary
picked up the phone and bawled an order:
'Get me some coffee!'
The voice at the other end responded angrily:
'You idiot, you've dialled the wrong extension!
Do you have any idea who you are talking to?'
'No sir,' she replied timorously.
'I'm the managing director!' he shouted
in near-apoplectic tones.
'And do you know who you are talking to?
'No I don't,' barked the managing director.
'Thank goodness for that,' purred the relieved
secretary and hung up.
Re: Today's Joke
Good One Karl - no Keith!!!!!!
Re: Today's Joke
Keith!Re: Today's Joke
Great quote from Phyllis Diller;
"When I Was Born I was So Ugly The Doctor Slapped Everybody"
"When I Was Born I was So Ugly The Doctor Slapped Everybody"
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
ADJECTIVAL ABUNDANCE
Mary Poppins went into a restaurant and ordered cauliflower cheese.
The owner was so thrilled to have her as a guest that he enquired:
'Will you sign the visitor's book and write a review of our food?'
She signed her name in the book and added:
'Super cauliflower cheese but the eggs were quite atrocious.'
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced
an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, his breath was less than
fragrant. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Mary Poppins went into a restaurant and ordered cauliflower cheese.
The owner was so thrilled to have her as a guest that he enquired:
'Will you sign the visitor's book and write a review of our food?'
She signed her name in the book and added:
'Super cauliflower cheese but the eggs were quite atrocious.'
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced
an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, his breath was less than
fragrant. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Re: Today's Joke
Keith lol where do you come up with these! Reading these on my lunch break and lol'd
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
SPORTING SATIRE
You have to hand it to the politicians:
they acclaim our Olympians' medal yields
while selling off school playing fields -
masters of hypocritical decisions.
Now for Paralympians they will shout hooray
as they take the pruning shears to DLA.
Eman, DLA is Disability Living Allowance.
You have to hand it to the politicians:
they acclaim our Olympians' medal yields
while selling off school playing fields -
masters of hypocritical decisions.
Now for Paralympians they will shout hooray
as they take the pruning shears to DLA.
Eman, DLA is Disability Living Allowance.
Re: Today's Joke
LOL..Keith, I kinda figured it!! Thanks for the daily laugh!!
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
Re: Today's Joke
We all need a little uplift nowadays, Eman.
DESCRIPTIVE DEFINITION
Why do we use the word politics to convey
the process of government?
'Poli' in Latin means 'many' and 'tics' means
bloodsucking creatures.
DESCRIPTIVE DEFINITION
Why do we use the word politics to convey
the process of government?
'Poli' in Latin means 'many' and 'tics' means
bloodsucking creatures.
