Today's Joke

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sat Sep 08, 2012 11:49 am

STRENGTH SIGNS

God bless the Irish,
the butt of many jokes;
they never take umbrage
but join in the fun pokes.

:wink:

PARALYMPICS PROMOTERS

It was the most ironic of offers
but Atos had other sponsors licked;
for they had the finance in their coffers
gained from their welfare cuts boxes ticked.

:wink:

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Sat Sep 08, 2012 2:12 pm

Marian and Keith good ones to start my Saturday!!

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sun Sep 09, 2012 11:54 am

You are a superb, one-man audience, Eman.

ANTHROPOLOGICAL ADVANCE

The Doctor David Livingstone of his day
was waxing lyrical to his friends about
a new tribe he had discovered in Africa - the Fukawe.
'They're pygmies,' he explained, 'but unlike most pygmies,
who live in the forests, these fellows live in the tall grasses
of the plains.'
'And what does the name of the tribe mean?'
asked one of his friends.
'I'm not sure,' admitted the explorer, 'but when I found
them wandering through the four-foot grass they approached
me and declared eagerly: "We're the Fukawe?"'

:wink: :roll:

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Sun Sep 09, 2012 1:21 pm

Keith are you in touch with my American friends? That joke was told to me over there about 20 years ago, it reminds me of the one Jimmy Tarbuck told about the Oomatingy tribe!

Still good though, just goes to show how they come around again. :)

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Sun Sep 09, 2012 2:18 pm

Keith, no matter how old the joke is, some like myself are brand new to them! You rock!

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Thu Sep 13, 2012 12:16 pm

Eman, I think we could all do with a good laugh;
I hope the following does the trick:

MULTIPLE MURPHYS

Murphy's missus had been pregnant for the full gestation period,
so now the miraculous maternal moment had arrived.
The doctor began the home birth procedure.
Mrs Murphy gave birth to a boy; the doctor gazed meaningfully
at the proud dad and declared: 'Hey Murph, you have a son
and heir!'
'That's grand altogether,' beamed Murphy.
'Hold on, we're not finished yet,' implored the animated doctor
who then began delivering a second baby:
'Hey Murph, you have a daughter!'
Murphy received this bit of news with a degree
of consternation as the doctor adopted repeat mode:
'Hold on we're not finished yet,' as he delivered
a third baby. 'Murph, you have another son!'
By now Murphy was suffering from parental overload:
'Doc, what caused all dem babies?'
'Probably something that happened during conception.'
Later as the unexpectedly enlarged but happy family
absorbed their new circumstances Murphy confided to his wife:
'Mammy, do you remember that night when we ran out
of vaseline and had to resort to three-in-one oil?'
'Oh, sure I'll never forget that night,' she replied wistfully.
'I'll tell you what, isn't it a very good ting we didn't use
WD-40?'

:wink:

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Thu Sep 13, 2012 1:06 pm

:lol: :lol: Keith, yep with the state of the world today and with it's recent happenings, it's good to have an escapisim like a joke whether old or new to at least put a smile on ones face!! Keep em' comin!!! :D

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Thu Sep 13, 2012 2:14 pm

I've been saying that all along!!!

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sat Sep 15, 2012 9:21 am

THE GOLF WIDOW

To her credit, Mary tried to bear husband Barry's
golf obsession with equanimity. However it remained
a cause of friction between them and fuelled the flames
of their occasional fallings-out.
'You care more about your blessed golf than you do
about me,' Mary would bewail in an aside totally unrelated
to the dispute under discussion.
'But I only play a couple of times a week,' Barry would counter
unconvincingly.
As Mary's loathing for the game was on a par with Barry's
dislike of shopping, the remedy 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'
was never an option.
Their friends John and Jenny confessed that their relationship
had sailed through stormy waters recently and only the intervention
of a few visits to Relate steered them away from the matrimonial
rocks.
Eventually, Barry's rearguard resistance cracked and he agreed
to attend marriage guidance. At the first session the counsellor
asked Barry directly: 'Can you recall the last time you and Mary
argued about golf?'
'Indeed I remember it vividly,' beamed Barry.
'I shot 94!'

:wink:

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Mon Sep 17, 2012 6:42 pm

Here's a bit of gallows humour:

POSTMORTEM PLANNING

Alice confides to her friend Agnes:
'My husband has got one foot in the grate.'
'Don't you mean one foot in the grave?'
enquired Agnes.
'No,' insists Alice.
'He wants to be cremated.'

:wink:

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Gray
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Gray » Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:11 pm

:)

How about these right back atcha'!

Man walks into his local bar, Just inside the door, there is a very fat girl dancing on a table,

He watches for a while and as he passes he says :"Fantastic legs",

The girl stops dancing , smiles and says "do you really think so?"

He says "Absolutely, any other table would have collapsed by now!!"



The building site hut was broken into and all the spades stolen. One of the workers went to see the foreman to find out what they should do. The foreman told them to lean on each other until the new spades arrived.



Bad Night at the Pub

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them said in a loud voice: "It's WALES you 1D1OT!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

:)

PS Sorry if these have been posted before

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Gray
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Gray » Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:12 pm

Another one I was told today...

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back"
He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair"

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:54 pm

Gray you're on a roll!!!!! :lol:

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Tue Sep 18, 2012 12:16 am

Keith :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Gray, awesome man!! Loved it!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Tue Sep 18, 2012 11:08 am

Great stuff, Gray!

WOOL OVER EYES

A woman shopper picks up a jumper in a clothes store:
'This is a little overpriced, isn't it?' she suggests to the
assistant.
'Not really madam,' he asserts. 'The wool comes from
a rare breed of albino sheep found only in the highest
mountains of Tibet. It's a beautiful yarn.'
'Yes,' she replies with a knowing smile.
'And you tell it so well.'

:wink:

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