Today's Joke

[Eman]

LOL Keith, sounds like a never ending 24/7 list of "Honey Do's". LOL

[karl]

Keith you shoulda gone to specsavers!

[keithgood838]

STAR TREKKER

During a physical examination a doctor asks
his patient about his level of vigorous activity.
'Well, yesterday for example I took a ten-mile
walk through some tough terrain; I waded along
the edge of a lake; I pushed through brambles
and I got sand in my shoes and eyes. I avoided
standing on a snake; I climbed several steep slopes
and I was so far removed from the creature comforts
that I was compelled to take a leak behind some
tall trees. The stress of my endeavours left me
feeling shattered and after it was all over I drank
six restorative beers.'
'You must be one hell of an outdoors man,'
enthuses the doctor flatteringly.
'No, I'm just a terrible golfer!'

[karl]

TRUTH TELLING ROBOT

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decided to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork". The robot slaps the son. The son say, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies". Dad asks, "What movie did you watch"?
Son says, "Toy Story". The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn".
Dad days, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother!

P.S. Robot for sale.

[Eman]

Keith, LOL!!

[keithgood838]

PARTY-POOPER PRONOUNCEMENTS

On their first date Thomas asks Gillian what she would
like to do. 'Get weighed,' replies Gillian eagerly.
Thomas is taken aback by this unusual request but
dutifully takes her to the automatic scales outside
a chemist's shop.
He then suggests they go to the cinema. After seeing
the film Thomas again asks Gillian what she would like
to do next. 'Get weighed,' she replied, eyes a-gleam.
They repeat the weighing-scales procedure and Thomas
then suggests they have a meal.
After dinner Thomas, noticing that his companion wasn't
a big eater but nevertheless keen to indulge her preferences,
asks what she would like to do now.
'Get weighed,' came the predictable response.
Thomas decides that Gillian may be displaying symptoms
of anorexia. After taking her to the chemist's for another
weighing session, he drops her at home and her mother
greets her at the door:
'How was your date, darling?'
'Wousy!' bewails the disconsolate Gillian.

[Eman]

LOL.."weighed" indeed Keith!!

[keithgood838]

Eman, I gambled with the possibility that clever readers
like yourself might glean the punchline from the title.

IMPUDENT IMPEDIMENTA

Harry and Bill are discussing former girlfriends;
says Harry: 'I once dumped a girl because she had
a speech impediment.'
'That was cruel,' asserted Bill.
'What was her particular problem?'
Replied Harry with a conspiratorial smile:
'She couldn't say, "Yes"'

[Eman]

LOL Keith, another good one, and yeah I got what she was saying in the first one, the first go round..Weighed..ha ha..still chuckling to myself!!

[keithgood838]

WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY

A salesman rings the bell of a suburban home
and is greeted by an eight-year-old boy puffing
on a long cigar. Stifling his surprise, the salesman
asks: 'Is your mother home?'
The kid nonchalantly flicks ash from his cigar
and counters: 'What do you think?'

[keithgood838]

'Therein lies the rub.'

The wife of a friend of ours discovered that her dog,
a Schnauzer, was hard of hearing so she took it to the
vet's. He said that the problem was caused by hair in
the animal's ears. He cleaned them out and the dog's
indisposition was cured.
The vet recommended that a monthly application of Nair
would permanently solve the problem.
At the chemist's the pharmacist advised the lady:
'If you are are going to use this under your arms, don't
also use deodorant for a few days.'
She assured him: 'I'm not going to use it under my arms.'
'If you are going to use it on your legs don't use a body
lotion for a couple of days.'
Our friend further assured him: 'I'm not going to use it
on my legs either; if you must know I'm going to use it
on my Schnauzer.'
'Well, in that case stay off your bicycle for about a week.'

[Eman]

LOL ROTFL Keith, that's classic!! LOL

[karl]

Keith to quote a dick Emery phrase "Oooh You Are Awful - But I Like You"

[keithgood838]

THE DEAD DUCK

A woman takes her comatose pet duck to the vet's.
After some cursory tests with his stethoscope, the vet
pronounces that the duck has expired.
'How can you be so sure,' enquires the distraught woman.
'You've barely examined him.'
The vet rolls his eyes, leaves the room and returns
with a labrador retriever. The dog sniffs the duck extensively
and nods in sad agreement with the diagnosis.
'I'm still not giving up hope,' bewails the distressed woman.
The vet leaves the room once more and returns this time
with a Siamese cat. The cat peers studiously at the duck,
prods it with its paw and with a sad look confirms
the duck's deceased status. The woman finally reconciles
herself to the inevitable.
'That'll be £150 please,' asserts the vet.
'But you've barely done anything to justify that price,'
moans the hapless woman.
'The bill would have been £20 but it is now a lot higher because
of the lab report and the cat scan.'



PS Don't be too lavish with your praise, guys;
it only encourages me.

[Eman]

Keep em' comin good Sir!! Always look forward to one of your jokes Keith!!