Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

TWINKLE TOES

I hold my hands up in acknowledgement of my
shortcomings in the terpsichorean field; however
should I happen to step in dog mess I can moonwalk
to a Michael Jackson standard.

[Eman]

Keith, I believe we'd all love to see a video clip of you "Moonwalking"...LOL!!!

[keithgood838]

Eman, I would hope refined forumites are above
watching dirty videos.
I'm looking forward to warbling a Matt Monro
song or two at my son's fiftieth birthday party
next month. The thought has prompted the following
limerick:

CROONING'S KEY

B-flat seems to be the baritone's key
and it duly applies to me;
but I pray when I sing,
above everything,
flat is not what I will be.

[Gray]

An elderly couple are shuffling down the road when they come to the old cricket pitch.
"Ere, do you remember the first time we ever had sex? it was up against the fence behind that pavillion" said the old guy
"Ooh so it was" said the elderly woman.
"Do you fancy reliving that moment, just for old times sake?"
"Ooh what a naughty idea, but a good one, come on let's do it"

A Policemen overheard their conversation & thought he would keep an eye on them so he followed them & hid out of the way.
The old guy dropped his trousers & underpants, whilst the lady hitched up her skirt & dropped her knickers, he backed her onto the fence & for the next ten minutes they were both emitting loud moans & groans, afterwards they both fell to the floor exhausted.
They eventually got to their feet & started for home.
The copper approached them & said "Wow, you two have got staying power, was it as good as you remembered?"

The old guy replied "I don't know but I do know that fence wasn't electrified the last time"

[Eman]

LOL Keith, ok, we'll settle for your crooner stylings against your Michael Jackson dancing. LOL
Gray! Nice one!!

[karl]

Gray I heard that one before but it's still a good 'un - poor old couple eh, got more than they bargained for!!!!

[karl]

Pondering The Problems Of The World.

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

5. And you tell me to excercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered.

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny I don't remember being absent-minded.

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

15. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

16. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. . .
go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

17. Funny I don't remember being absent-minded.

18.. Did I post these before........?????

[Eman]

Karl, LMBO!! How true.. backseats eh? LOL

[keithgood838]

WALL NUT WILLIES

On the outskirts of a small town grew a big pecan tree
just inside the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled
a bucket with nuts and sat down to share their spoils in
the time-honoured manner: 'One for you, one for me,'
repeated one lad. Several nuts were dropped in the process
and rolled down towards the fence.
Just then another boy came riding along on his bicycle
and stopped to investigate the barely audible mutterings.
He stood by the fence and clearly heard the incantation:
'One for you, one for me.'
'Come quick,' he urged an old man who happened to be
passing by. 'You won't believe what I've just heard. It was
Satan and The Lord dividing up souls.'
The old man shrugged off his understandable scepticism and
reluctantly agreed to approach the fence. Sure enough he
too heard the mantra: 'One for you, one for me.'
Now shaking with fear they both peered through the fence
but were unable to see anything. Yet once more they heard:
'One for you, one for me; now let's get those nuts by the
fence and we'll be done.'
It is said that the old man held the lead for half-a-mile before
the kid on the bike passed him.

[Eman]

Keith, thanks for the lunchtime smile and laugh!!

[Marian]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well a few days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

[karl]

Keep it until the next time you are slightly p****d Marian.

[keithgood838]

Unlike the perceptive police, I didn't see that punchline
coming Marian - nice one!

DEFLATIONARY DOMESTICITY

It was a pre-Christmas night at the inflated Balloon household,
yet an unseasonable air of foreboding had hung over their
domestic deliberations throughout the day.
That night as dad Brian Balloon and his wife Betty slept
soundly in their beds, little Billy was startled into wakefulness
by explosive thunder and lightning. Scared witless, he instinctively
sought refuge in his parents' bed. However, his squeaking efforts
to squeeze between them proved fruitless. His presence of mind
now restored, he came up with the idea of letting a little air out
of his mother's head. No joy. So he repeated the procedure with
his father's head. Still not enough room. Finally he resorted to letting
some air out of his own head and he managed to squeeze himself in.
Next morning his father took him to task:
'Son, I'm deeply disappointed with you; you let your mother down;
you let me down; but worst of all, you let yourself down!'

[keithgood838]

CHRISTMAS QUIZ QUESTION

On Christmas Eve a kind lawyer, an honest politician
and Santa Claus were together in a lift at a very posh
hotel. Before the door slid sumptuously open they all noticed
a note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course; the other two don't exist.

[Eman]

Keith, LOL, you never fail to put a smile on my face!!