Today's Joke

anna · Post by **anna** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 2:49 pm

Lovely!!!!!!!!!!!!

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:53 pm

DEAL!

Adam had grown weary of solitude in the Garden of Eden,
so he prayed:

'The loneliness has seared my soul of late,
Please God, provide me with a mate.'
(There was something of the poet about Adam,
but he needed to work on his scansion.)

'I can give you a woman,' God replied,
'she will cook and clean for you, indulge
your every whim, satisfy every desire,
praise you, and bear your children.'

'How much will a being like that cost me?'
Adam enquired tentatively.

'An arm and a leg,'
the ultimate Matchmaker informed him.

'And what will I get for a rib?'

The rest, as they say, is history.

Keith

anna · Post by **anna** » Wed Dec 10, 2008 1:53 pm

Keith

That's wonderful!! There's a few folks here would find it a hoot

I work for the Church of Scotland by the way and the humour here is wonderful

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 3:00 pm

PARLIAMENTARY PRATFALLS

Matt sang, 'We're gonna change the world,'
in his novel protest song;
Gordon Brown claimed, 'We have saved the world,'
getting it bumblingly wrong,

then Nick Clegg compounded the uproar
when a gaffe slipped from his tongue.

With such a shower the corridors
of power daily throng;
Matt's call for a superior world
was pertinent all along.

Keith

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Wed Dec 17, 2008 8:21 pm

A debutant priest was so nervous while conducting
his first Mass, he could scarcely get his words out.
Afterwards he asked his monsignor for an appraisal
of his performance.
'When I was worried about being nervous in the early
days of my ministry,' the older man informed him,
'I used to put a glass of vodka next to a glass of water
on the pulpit.'
The following Sunday the novice priest implemented the advice.
Upon returning to his office he found the following list on
his desk:

(1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp it
(2) There are 10 commandments, not twelve
(3) There were twelve disciples, not ten
(4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
(5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
(6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as 'the late JC'
(7) The Father, Son And Holy Ghost are not referred to
as 'Daddy, Junior and the Spook'
8. David slew Goliath, he did not knock the stuffing
out of him
(9) We do not refer to the Cross as 'the big T'
(10) And the Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with
the Cherry'

The Monsignor

Lena & Harry Smith · Post by **Lena & Harry Smith** » Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:57 pm

Very funny Keith, sounds so much like my hairdressers priest from her church

but he used mispronunciatiions like the late Hylda Baker did.

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Fri Dec 19, 2008 2:02 pm

Such word-muddles are called malapropisms,
Lena and Harry. A well-known one occurred when
someone describing a aeronautical incident said,
'When the plane's engines failed, the pilot
ejaculated.' However, since the misapplied word
can also mean 'a sudden utterance in prayer
or otherwise' perhaps it wasn't entirely misapplied.

Wishing you both a marvellous Monro-style Christmas.
Keith

Marian · Post by **Marian** » Fri Dec 19, 2008 4:25 pm

I remember Mrs Malaprop from my schooldays. Wasn't she a character in The Rivals? I think malapropisms were named after her, or was it the other way around?

Marian

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Fri Dec 19, 2008 8:28 pm

Hi Marian, yes Mrs Malaprop was indeed a character
created by Richard Sheridan in his comedy play,
The Rivals, first performed in 1775 to a chorus
of criticism, but now regarded as a masterpiece.
Maybe it's time some enterprising producer put on
an updated version?
Keith

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 7:06 pm

A farmer named Seamus (not the Seamus of this parish)
was involved in a road accident. In court he was 'cross'-
examined by a hot-shot lawyer.
'Did you not say to the police at the scene of the accident,
"I'm fine,"' he demanded.
Seamus began to respond, 'I had just got Bessie, my favourite
cow, into the ...'
'I didn't ask for details,' interrupted the lawyer, 'just answer
the question, didn't you say, "I'm fine."'
'I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer,' Seamus started
to explain, when the lawyer interrupted again.
'Your honour, I am trying to establish that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the police that he was fine, now several
weeks later he is trying to sue my client.'
By now the judge's interested in Seamus's account had been
aroused and he directed him accordingly.
Seamus thanked the judge and continued,
'I had loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road
when a huge lorry came through a stop sign and hit my trailer
in the side. I was thrown into the ditch and Bessie was thrown
into the opposite one. I was hurt and didn't want to move.
However I could hear poor Bessie groaning in agony.
Shortly afterwards a police motor-cyclist appeared and deciding
Bessie was in a hopeless condition, took out his revolver
and shot her. Then the policeman came over to me and,
gun still in hand, asked:
"How are you feeling?"'
Now what the feck would you have said?'

Keith

Lena & Harry Smith · Post by **Lena & Harry Smith** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 11:04 pm

again , that sounds like my hairdresser.

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Sun Dec 28, 2008 7:57 pm

Hi Lena and Harry, your hairdresser will love this:

HAIR TODAY

A young lad, having passed his driving test, asked his dad
about his possible use of the family car. The father proposed
a deal with him:
'If you improve your college grades, read the Bible and get
your hair cut, we'll consider the matter.'
The boy thought for a moment and agreed.
Six weeks later his father said,
'Son, I'm proud of you, you've achieved higher grades
and I've seen you reading the Bible; however you haven't
had your hair cut.'
'You know Dad, in my studies I've noticed that Moses,
John the Baptist and Samson all wore long hair.'
To which his dad replied,
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere the went?'

Keith

PS My best wishes to you both for 2009

Lena & Harry Smith · Post by **Lena & Harry Smith** » Sun Dec 28, 2008 11:22 pm

Thank you Keith and all the very best to you too for the coming year.
My hairdresser has gone to Ireland for the Christmas. There's bound to be some stories on her next return visit.

something similar to the Christmas edition of "The Royale Family " I expect.

keithgood838 · Post by **keithgood838** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 4:12 pm

WHEN YOUR FOOT OUTSMARTS YOUR BRAIN

Everyone, indulge this curmudgeon
and go along with his bit of fun:

(1) Lift your right foot off the ground and use it to

describe imaginary clockwise circles

(2) While doing so, form an imaginary number 6

in the air with your right hand

(3) Your foot will immediately change direction and follow

the movement of your hand

(4) A glitch not anticipated by the master Programmer?

Happy New year!

Keith

mariana44 · Post by **mariana44** » Sat Jan 03, 2009 1:42 pm

This is not a joke as such--but it did make me laugh.

My friend was staying in Bristol , with her daughter, over Christmas, and they all went to see the Pantomime.

"Any one well known in it" I asked.

"Yes" she said ""Ricky Mooney--he did a few jokes and a bit of dancing"

"I have never heard of him" I replied.

"Yes you have, he's American, very famous" she said.

Then it clicked--she meant Mickey Rooney !!!!!!!!

Matt Monro Forum

Today's Joke

AN IRISH AGRICULTURAL MISADVENTURE