Have faith, and good luck against Fulham tonight.
Keith
Today's Joke
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
PERPLEXING QUESTIONS
If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea,
does that mean one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
what exactly are the others here for?
What hair colour do they enter on the drivers'
licences of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny spoons and forks, so I wondered what
Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Is it true that when you learn to drive you also
learn to swear?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
when you put the word the and the letters IRS together
they spell THEIRS?
Make it a great day!
Lord, please keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth. Amen
The foregoing funnies were sent to me
by our good friend, Ed, in Orlando.
(IRS is an abbreviation of the US
Inland Revenue Service.)
Keith
If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea,
does that mean one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
what exactly are the others here for?
What hair colour do they enter on the drivers'
licences of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny spoons and forks, so I wondered what
Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Is it true that when you learn to drive you also
learn to swear?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
when you put the word the and the letters IRS together
they spell THEIRS?
Make it a great day!
Lord, please keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth. Amen
The foregoing funnies were sent to me
by our good friend, Ed, in Orlando.
(IRS is an abbreviation of the US
Inland Revenue Service.)
Keith
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
BUSKER BLUES
A street musician, playing in a busy shopping mall,
was approached by a policeman and asked to produce
his permit to play.
'I haven't got one,' admitted the busker.
'In that case,' the policeman informed him sternly,
'I have to ask you to accompany me.'
'Oh good,' exclaimed the busker,
'what shall we sing?'
Keith
A street musician, playing in a busy shopping mall,
was approached by a policeman and asked to produce
his permit to play.
'I haven't got one,' admitted the busker.
'In that case,' the policeman informed him sternly,
'I have to ask you to accompany me.'
'Oh good,' exclaimed the busker,
'what shall we sing?'
Keith
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
A CLAWS ENCOUNTER OF THE FISH KIND
A passenger carrying a box of crabs boarded a plane
in New Orleans and asked a blonde stewardess to take
care of it for him.
She obligingly agreed to deposit the box in the crew's refrigerator.
However, he ungallantly advised her that as a lawyer
he held her personally responsible for keeping the crabs frozen
and he threatened her with the consequences of letting
them thaw out.
Unsurprisingly, she became indignant at his uncalled for,
aggressive attitude. On landing in New York she announced
over the intercom:
'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans,
please raise his hand?'
Not a hand was raised ... so she took them home
and enjoyed a fish supper.
Two observations to be entered here:
(1) Men never learn
(2) Blondes aren't as dumb as most
men think they are
The joke was sent to me by our humorist friend,
Ed, in Orlando - Keith
A passenger carrying a box of crabs boarded a plane
in New Orleans and asked a blonde stewardess to take
care of it for him.
She obligingly agreed to deposit the box in the crew's refrigerator.
However, he ungallantly advised her that as a lawyer
he held her personally responsible for keeping the crabs frozen
and he threatened her with the consequences of letting
them thaw out.
Unsurprisingly, she became indignant at his uncalled for,
aggressive attitude. On landing in New York she announced
over the intercom:
'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans,
please raise his hand?'
Not a hand was raised ... so she took them home
and enjoyed a fish supper.
Two observations to be entered here:
(1) Men never learn
(2) Blondes aren't as dumb as most
men think they are
The joke was sent to me by our humorist friend,
Ed, in Orlando - Keith
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
QUOTABLE QUOTES FORWARDED
(from Orlando, courtesy of Ed)
'I suffer from kleptomania; when it becomes severe,
I take something for it.'
'Follow your dreams, except the one in which
you are naked in church.'
'Sometimes too much drink isn't enough.'
'A bartender is a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'
'Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.'
'In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.'
'I am a nobody; nobody is perfect therefore I am perfect.'
'Sadly, Larry La Prise, the writer of The Hokey Cokey,
died peacefully age 93. The most distressing aspect
for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started ...'
'Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?'
'Reality is an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.'
'Corduroy pillows are making headlines.'
'I found Jesus!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.'
Thank you Ed, please keep 'em comin'
and keep your readers happily hummin'.
Keith
(from Orlando, courtesy of Ed)
'I suffer from kleptomania; when it becomes severe,
I take something for it.'
'Follow your dreams, except the one in which
you are naked in church.'
'Sometimes too much drink isn't enough.'
'A bartender is a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'
'Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.'
'In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.'
'I am a nobody; nobody is perfect therefore I am perfect.'
'Sadly, Larry La Prise, the writer of The Hokey Cokey,
died peacefully age 93. The most distressing aspect
for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started ...'
'Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?'
'Reality is an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.'
'Corduroy pillows are making headlines.'
'I found Jesus!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.'
Thank you Ed, please keep 'em comin'
and keep your readers happily hummin'.
Keith
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
DOUBLE INDEMNITY
A new arrival in the district walked into his local
and was warmly greeted by the landlord:
'Hello sir, what would you like to drink?'
'Thank you, I'll have a whisky,' came the reply.
As the newcomer was savouring his drink
mine host smiled:
'That will be £3.20 please.'
'Excuse me,' the man said querulously,
'you offered me a drink, therefore I am under
no obligation to pay for it.'
A regular customer, who also happened to be a lawyer,
interjected:
'Forgive me, but I couldn't help overhearing your
conversation. Sorry landlord, but legally our friend
is within his rights, and should not have to pay.'
In disgust the landlord barred the difficult man from his bar.
Days later the man entered the bar once more.
'What are you doing here?' exploded the landlord.
'I told you never to darken my door again.'
'I think this is a case of mistaken identity,'
complained the customer.' I have never been in here
before in my life.'
'Then you must have a double,'
the landlord muttered grumpily.
'That's very kind of you,' twinkled the 'customer',
'Make it a scotch on the rocks, please.'
Keith
A new arrival in the district walked into his local
and was warmly greeted by the landlord:
'Hello sir, what would you like to drink?'
'Thank you, I'll have a whisky,' came the reply.
As the newcomer was savouring his drink
mine host smiled:
'That will be £3.20 please.'
'Excuse me,' the man said querulously,
'you offered me a drink, therefore I am under
no obligation to pay for it.'
A regular customer, who also happened to be a lawyer,
interjected:
'Forgive me, but I couldn't help overhearing your
conversation. Sorry landlord, but legally our friend
is within his rights, and should not have to pay.'
In disgust the landlord barred the difficult man from his bar.
Days later the man entered the bar once more.
'What are you doing here?' exploded the landlord.
'I told you never to darken my door again.'
'I think this is a case of mistaken identity,'
complained the customer.' I have never been in here
before in my life.'
'Then you must have a double,'
the landlord muttered grumpily.
'That's very kind of you,' twinkled the 'customer',
'Make it a scotch on the rocks, please.'
Keith
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
MARIAN'S PRAYER
Dear Marian who art in Reading
respected be thy name,
thy skills are known, thy will be done,
on Earth and in cyberspace.
Give us this day your good advice
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us towards topic observance
and deliver us from phobia,
for thine is the queendom, the wisdom
and the kudos,
on the Matt Monro forum. Amen.
Keith
Dear Marian who art in Reading
respected be thy name,
thy skills are known, thy will be done,
on Earth and in cyberspace.
Give us this day your good advice
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us towards topic observance
and deliver us from phobia,
for thine is the queendom, the wisdom
and the kudos,
on the Matt Monro forum. Amen.
Keith
Two can pray at that game Keith!
KEITH'S PRAYER
Our KEITH who art so GOOD
Revered be thy name
Thy poem's come thy writings done
On forum as they are in book form
Give us each day our daily verse
And forgive us our responses
As we forgive those
That lose their way on the forum
Lead us not into digression
And deliver us from bad grammar
For thine is the literary kingdom
The knowledge and the story
For ever and ever Amen.
Marian
KEITH'S PRAYER
Our KEITH who art so GOOD
Revered be thy name
Thy poem's come thy writings done
On forum as they are in book form
Give us each day our daily verse
And forgive us our responses
As we forgive those
That lose their way on the forum
Lead us not into digression
And deliver us from bad grammar
For thine is the literary kingdom
The knowledge and the story
For ever and ever Amen.
Marian
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
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keithgood838
- Posts: 2478
- Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm
GETTING THE BIRD
A woman enters a pet shop and spies a resplendently
colourful parrot priced at a mere £20.
'It's going cheap, as distinct from other species,'
explains the smiling shopkeeper,
'because it used to live in a brothel and may have picked
up some fruity language.'
The woman is so taken with the bird that she decides to
buy it and give it pride of place in the sitting room.
'New premises,' squawks the the parrot.
'Nice.'
The woman's two daughters arrive.
'New girls, too,' it exclaims.
'Very nice.'
Then her husband walks in.
'Hello, Kevin,' screeches the parrot.
Keith
A woman enters a pet shop and spies a resplendently
colourful parrot priced at a mere £20.
'It's going cheap, as distinct from other species,'
explains the smiling shopkeeper,
'because it used to live in a brothel and may have picked
up some fruity language.'
The woman is so taken with the bird that she decides to
buy it and give it pride of place in the sitting room.
'New premises,' squawks the the parrot.
'Nice.'
The woman's two daughters arrive.
'New girls, too,' it exclaims.
'Very nice.'
Then her husband walks in.
'Hello, Kevin,' screeches the parrot.
Keith
Last edited by keithgood838 on Mon Mar 23, 2009 6:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.