Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

I'm happy to oblige; how about one of your rib-tickling blockbusters,
Marian?

'ARMLESS ACTIONS

A golfer lost an arm in an accident; he became so depressed
about not being able to play that he decided to end it all.
Preparing to jump off the top of a building he noticed an armless
man skipping and whooping, with apparent joy, on the pavement below.
Feeling ashamed of his self-pitying response to his own predicament,
he shouted down to the irrepressible optimist:
'Why are you so happy?'
'I'm not happy at all,' came the disgruntled reply.
'To me life's a bitch; I'm behaving like this
'cos my sphericals itch.'

[Marian]

I'm happy to oblige; how about one of your rib-tickling blockbusters,
Marian?

My sources seem to have dried up lately Keith....... must buy some more!

[Gray]

Great gags, Keith.

[maxine]

[keithgood838]

Let's all hope that 2014 arrives laden with laughs,
and with a plethora of saucy ones at the joke sales, Marian:

STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS

Following a drinking session at his golf club,
a player on his way home in his car is pulled over
by police patrolmen who inform him that he is too drunk to drive:
'Too drunk to drive,' he exclaims.
'I can barely putt!'

[Eman]

Happy New Year to you and your family Keith and to everyone on the board. Be safe if you all are going out celebrating tonight.

[keithgood838]

Thanks Eman, I'll do my best to make it a happy 2014
for members of this forum:

JUDICIOUS JUSTICE

Fred and Frank's friendship blossomed, literally, at their adjoining plots
in an over-subscribed allotment. However their comradely octogenarian
chats over the homegrown crops were interrupted by the absence,
for four weeks, of Fred from his consequently neglected flora.
On his return Frank welcomed Fred enthusiastically:
'Where have you been, mate, I missed you?'
'I've been retained on her majesty's pleasure,' admitted the 89-year-old
Fred shamefacedly, 'I've been in prison.'
'In prison!' exclaimed the incredulous Frank, 'whatever for?'
'The cute little blonde, Sue, at the coffee shop I frequent filed rape
charges against me, and I proudly pleaded guilty.
The vindictive judge sentenced me to 30 days for perjury.'

[keithgood838]

SUB-PRIME SATIRE

The rampant greed that shook
our financial structures to their foundations
bulldozes on unchecked,
offering an ironic 'thank you' to the hapless populace
that saved them with bail-outs;
where now lives are wrecked
and on whose most vulnerable members
are inflicted the cruel clouts
of aggravated poverty, homelessness
and other undeserved deprivations ...

Shome mishtake shurley?

[keithgood838]

'Confucius, he say.'

It's okay to let a fool kiss you,
but don't let a kiss fool you.

A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for merchandise downstairs.

Falling down is part of life;
getting up again is living.

A joke is like sex; neither is any good
if you don't get it.

It's better to lose a lover than love a loser.

A drunken man's words are
a sober man's thoughts.

[Marian]

Clever Keith!

I saw this one recently, I hope it wasn't on this thread!

An Englishman and a Scotsman and an Irishman got a job erecting telegraph poles. The Englishman and the Scotsman got back to the office within the hour, but the Irishman was nowhere to be seen.
After several hours the Irishman eventually arrived at the office and the foreman asked why he has been so long.
He said that "the Englishman and Scotsman had been back for many hours." The Irishman replied "Yes, but you should see how much of the pole they have left sticking out of the ground".

Apologies Keith.

[keithgood838]

No need for apologies, Marian. We Irish (even Anglo-Irish)
enjoy a good joke against ourselves. Yours reminded me
of the old one adapted here: what are the poles doing in Ireland?
Supporting the power lines.
No casual disparagement intended of either nation -
rather pinpointing the crucial role of capitalisation.

HUNGRY HONOURS

Rumours of a food shortage
at this year's Spoonerism Awards
turned out to be a total lack of pies.

[keithgood838]

WRIGHT STUFF WORD PLAY

While recalling her experiences as a participant in I'm a Celebrity
Get Me Out Of Here, Carol McGiffen waxed effusively on how well
they all got on together, on today's edition of The Wright Stuff.
'But what about the booze?' Matthew asked her.
'Oh, we didn't get any; they cheered you whether they liked
you or not,' she gushed in girlish innocence.

[maxine]

WRIGHT STUFF WORD PLAY

While recalling her experiences as a participant in I'm a Celebrity
Get Me Out Of Here, Carol McGiffen waxed effusively on how well
they all got on together, on today's edition of The Wright Stuff.
'But what about the booze?' Matthew asked her.
'Oh, we didn't get any; they cheered you whether they liked
you or not,' she gushed in girlish innocence.

Keith I saw this ......she is a bit tipsy on her stint in BB for sure .....i like your ...girlish innocence bit ....

[Marian]

Yes Maxine, Carol Mcgiffen was on Celebrity Big Brother, not I'm a Celebrity Get me out of Here last year , and she definitely had more than enough to drink!

[keithgood838]

Sorry I got the wrong programme, folks. I don't actually watch
those so-called reality shows.

THE AGONY MESSAGE

On a fine spring morning in west Texas, Father O'Malley rose
from his bed on the first day at his new mission parish. He strode
in hopeful mood to his bedroom window.
To his dismay he was greeted by the sight of a dead jackass
lying on his front lawn. He phoned the police station.
'Good morning, this is sergeant Jones; how can I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley
at St Ann's Catholic church. There's a dead jackass on me front lawn;
would you kindly sent a couple of yer lads to take care of the matter.'
Sergeant Jones decided to tease the good cleric:
'Well now Father, surely it is your duty to administer the last rites?'
Typically Irish, Father O'Malley relished a battle of wits:
'Sure, 'tis certainly true; however we are also obliged to notify
the next-of-kin first, which is the reason for me call.'