Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

Here's one that may be more up your musical street, Robert:

MUNICIPAL MUSIC

Two old ladies are sitting in the park enjoying some music.
'I think it's a minuet from Mignon,' suggests one.
'I'm sure it's a waltz from Tales from the Vienna Woods,'
asserts the other.
Whereupon the first old lady gets up and shuffles over
to a nearby notice board:
'We're both wrong,' she declares: 'It's a Refrain from Spitting.'

[ROBERT M.]

That's better Keith

[keithgood838]

Maybe the following could be described as hands on humour, Robert.

AGRICULTURAL AMBIVALENCE

An elderly farmer has the great good fortune to marry a winsome
young woman. A few weeks after the service, the vicar decides
to ask how the old boy was getting on with his curvaceous young
wife.
'Oh,' he asserts, 'I can't keep my hands off her.'
The vicar nods his approval and goes on his way.
A few weeks later he calls round again and asks the same question.
'I still can't keep my hands off her,' the old guy reiterates.
'I suppose that's good,' ventures the vicar.
'Not really, she's gone and run off with one of them!'

[keithgood838]

ANOTHER AGRICULTURAL ALLUSION

The scene is a psychiatrist's consulting room.
A farmer's son is opening his heart: 'Doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a goat.'
'Hmm, how long have you been suffering from
these delusions?'
'Since I was a kid.'

[Eman]

LOL Keith..keep em' comin!!!

[keithgood838]

Eman, our old feathered friend the parrot can always be relied upon
to provide a good laugh:

GETTING THE BIRD

A vicar visits a little old lady parishioner. She shows him into
her living room where her pet parrot is silently sitting on his perch.
'I can't help noticing,' ventures the vicar, 'that you seem to have
tied a ribbon to each of your parrot's legs. What are they for?'
'If I pull the left ribbon he sings Abide With Me,' she explains.
'And if I pull the right ribbon he sings All Things bright And beautiful.'
'Oh how novel,' chortles the vicar. 'I wonder, what happens
if you pull both ribbons at the same time.'
'I fall off my flipping perch,' squawks the indignant parrot!'

[keithgood838]

POST-PRESERVATION POLITENESS

For a long time an old lady kept two monkeys as pets.
Eventually, one of them died, of natural causes. His partner
never got over the loss of his companion and succumbed
soon after. The old lady had grown so attached to the pair
that she decided to have them stuffed. Having conveyed
her wishes to the taxidermist he asked her: 'Do you want
them mounted?'
'No, holding hands will be fine,' blushed the old lady.

[maxine]

ANOTHER AGRICULTURAL ALLUSION

The scene is a psychiatrist's consulting room.
A farmer's son is opening his heart: 'Doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a goat.'
'Hmm, how long have you been suffering from
these delusions?'
'Since I was a kid.'

Love jokes like that lol

[maxine]

POST-PRESERVATION POLITENESS

For a long time an old lady kept two monkeys as pets.
Eventually, one of them died, of natural causes. His partner
never got over the loss of his companion and succumbed
soon after. The old lady had grown so attached to the pair
that she decided to have them stuffed. Having conveyed
her wishes to the taxidermist he asked her: 'Do you want
them mounted?'
'No, holding hands will be fine,' blushed the old lady.

[keithgood838]

We seem to be starved of humorous sustenance here currently, Maxine.

APOSTROPHE ANGST

Use the Mothering Sunday moniker
not the American metronymic, Mother's Day,
and the pain of where to put the apostrophe is
(sigh-of-relief) soothed away.

[keithgood838]

METRICAL MIRACLE

An old lady is patiently waiting to be called into her doctor's surgery;
when her turn comes she struggles unsteadily to her feet with the aid
of a walking stick and one of the other patients cannot fail to notice
she is almost bent double. A receptionist helps the old lady into the
consulting room.
A few minutes later she re-emerges moving freely and is completely
upright.
'My goodness!' exclaims the other patient, 'that's amazing; you went
in there bent almost double and now you're walking out as erect as a
guardsman! What did the doctor give you, some sort of miracle cure?'
'No,' the old lady smiles ruefully, 'he gave me a longer stick.'

[ROBERT M.]

Good one Keith

[keithgood838]

Hi Robert, my stream of funny stuff is running dry 'currently'.
To wit:

POULTRY PERCEPTIONS

A couple are having a meal in a Chinese restaurant.
The waiter brings the main course served in a heavy
lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself the lid of the
pot rises to reveal two beady eyes surveying the room
before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief! Did you see that?' she enquires of her husband.
Perturbed, he calls the waiter over and demands an explanation.
Whereupon the pot lid rises again the two beady little eyes re-appear.
'Please sir, what did you order?' asks the waiter.
'Chicken surprise.'
'So sorry,' explains the waiter,
'I bring you Peeking Duck.'

[Eman]

Ha ha Keith, nah you haven't run outta steam.
I think this was hilarious. LOL Peeking Duck. Ha ha..

[keithgood838]

Thanks Eman, maybe I need an irresistible bait:

FOOD FISHING

Paddy is walking across the common one day when
he sees a little old man sitting on a bench nowhere
near water, dangling a fishing rod over the grass.
Intrigued, he approaches the old guy and asks him
what he is doing.
'Fishing,' comes the improbable reply.
Deciding to humour him Paddy enquires of him:
'And what were you hoping to catch today?'
'Just something for my lunch,' explains the old man.
Feeling sorry for him Paddy says: 'Come on, come with
me and I'll buy you a nice lunch.'
So they proceed to a restaurant wherein they enjoy
a large mixed grill, a succulent pudding, a bottle of wine
and coffees.
As he pays the bill and they leave the restaurant, Paddy
says the his elderly friend: 'That was better than anything
you'd find out there on the common, wasn't it; I mean you
don't catch much out there, do you?'
'To be frank, you're the third one today.'