Today's Joke

[anna]

Keith

How lovely thank you so much! I loved it! And not least because today is my birthday - 43 years young - I am not the kinda girl who hides her age! So raising a glass is very apt indeed! And I will be raising one or two believe me!

Heartfelt thanks once more

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Good for you Anna, enjoy your Birthday.

[keithgood838]

CONJUGAL CONCESSION

A husband and wife are dining at an upmarket restaurant
when a stunning young woman approaches their table,
gives the husband a kiss, and says:
'I'll see you later.'
The disconcerted wife wife glares at her husband:
'Who was that?'
'Oh,' he replies dispassionately, 'that's my mistress.'
'Well that's the last straw,' seethes his wounded wife,
'I've had enough, I'm going to sue you for divorce.'
'I can understand that,' replies the husband.
'But remember, the outcome will mean no more shopping
trips to Paris, no more winter holidays in Barbados,
no more summers in Tuscany, no more swimming pool
or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club.
But it's your decision.'
Just then a mutual friend enters the restaurant
with a beautiful girl on his arm.
'Who's that with Jim?'
enquires the wife.
'That's his mistress,' asserts the husband.
'Ours is prettier,' submits the wife.

Keith

[keithgood838]

FAST LANE LIFE

A doctor on his morning walk spied an older lady
sitting on her front door step smoking a cigar.
Intrigued, he approached her and enquired:
'Forgive me, but I couldn't help noticing how contented
you look. What's your secret?'
'I smoke ten cigars each day,' she replied.
'Before I go to bed, I always smoke a nice big joint.
I also drink a bottle of whisky a day and only eat junk food.
At weekends I pop pills and get laid, and I give the gym
a very wide berth.'
'That's astounding! How old are you?'
'Thirty-four,' she quavered.

Keith

[keithgood838]

FORBIDDEN FANCIES
(from Ed)


Can't eat pork ... swine flu

Can't eat chicken ... bird flu

Can't eat beef ... mad cow disease
(bovine spongiform encephalopathy,
phrase snagged in my mind, a extra concern)

Can't eat eggs ... salmonella

Can't eat fish ... aquatic metal poisons

Can't eat fruit and veg ... insecticides & herbicides

Hmmmmm

That leaves chocolate and ice cream!

Remember 'stressed' spelt backwards is,
DESSERTS!


Keith

[keithgood838]

GERIATRIC GEMS
(we old 'uns can laugh at ourselves,
you young 'uns can laugh with us)

An elderly gentleman suffered hearing difficulties
for years. His doctor had him fitted with undetectable
aids that enabled him to hear 100%.
At an appraisal a month later his doctor pronounced:
'Your hearing is perfect, your family must be very pleased.'
'Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just listen to their conversations;
I have consequently changed my will three times.'

Three old guys are out walking, one says:
'Windy isn't it?'
The other replies, 'No, it's Thursday.'
The first says, 'So am I, let's go for a drink.'

A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering
things. Their doctor confirms that they are okay physically,
but suggests they might be advised to write things down
as aides-memoire.
Later while watching t.v. the old man levers himself
from his chair and asks:
'Want anything from the kitchen?'
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down?'
'No. I'll remember it.'
'Well, I also want strawberries with whipped cream on top.'
'Do you think you should write it down?'
Irritated, he snaps, 'No, you want ice cream with strawberries
and whipped cream on top, I've got it.'
Later he returns from the kitchen and hands his wife
a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate, then enquires:
'Where's my toast?'

Keith
Nuggets mined and shipped by Ed in Orlando.

[keithgood838]

Extracts from The Born Loser.

'When I was born the doctor entered the waiting room
and broke the bad news to my father:
"I'm sorry, we did everything we could,
but he pulled through"'

'My psychiatrist told me I was going crazy;
I told him I wanted a second opinion.'
"All right," he assented. "You're ugly too."'

'Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.'

By Bor N. Loser

[keithgood838]

INSIDER DEALING

An old man wanted to plant his annual vegetable garden
but the work was proving too onerous at his age.
His only son, who used to help, was currently in prison.
So he wrote to him:
'Dear Son,
I am getting to old to dig the garden this year.
If you were here, I know you'd do it for me.
Love, Dad.'
His son wrote back:
'Dear Dad,
Don't attempt to do any work in the garden,
that's where I buried the bodies.
Love, your son.'
Early next morning the local CID showed up
and dug the whole garden without finding anything
incriminating. They apologised and left.
That same day another letter was delivered:
'Dear Dad,
That's the best I could do,
Love, your son.'

Keith

[cmartin_ok]

Copied from elsewhere......

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:
You are in England; York, to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar... You suddenly realise who it is... It's Gordon Brown ! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!





THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[ROBERT M.]

Good one

[keithgood838]

I assume you are smiling for football reasons
now, Robert; the Tigers having survived the premiership
jungle, albeit with claws retracted.

ECCLESIASTICAL EXCESS

Two priests decided to embark on a get-away-from-it-all
holiday in Hawaii, and were determined to enter fully into
the vacation spirit. They resolved to not wear anything
that would mark them out as men of the cloth.
Upon arrival they headed straight for the nearest clothing
store and kitted themselves out in garish shorts, shirts,
sandals and sunglasses. (There is no pun involved here,
intended or otherwise.)
Next morning on their sun-loungers, and resplendent in colourful
tourist garb, they were approached by a lovely young blonde
in a topless bikini cam:
'Good morning Father, good morning Father,'
she trilled agreeably, then walked on by.
The priests were predictably gobsmacked at having their cover
blown so comprehensively.
The following day they purchased even more outlandish clothes,
which were so loud you could hear them coming.
Later the same young woman appeared and extended
the same effusive greeting:
'Good morning Father, good morning Father.'
This time, as she again started to walk away the patience
of one priest snapped:
'Excuse me, young lady, but how do you know we are priests,
dressed as we are?'
She replied sweetly:
'Father it's me ... Sister Kathleen.'

Keith
(Courtesy of Ed)

[ROBERT M.]

Yes Keith, I can smile now we have just clung on to the Premiership I did mention it somewhere else on here yesterday

[Marian]

We may have had something similar before, but it's reassuring to read again!!!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

[keithgood838]

Hi Marian
To continue the live-for-the-moment motif,
I may have posted the following poem previously;
however it can easily bear repetition:

MY CANDLE

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It makes a lovely light!

Edna St Vincent Millay

Keith

[keithgood838]

MICE AT PLAY

A guy pops his head round a barber's shop door:
'How long before I can have a haircut?'
The barber scans his waiting clientele:
'About two hours.'
The guy departs.
A few days later the scenario is re-enacted:
'How long would I have to wait for a haircut?'
The popular barber again surveys his crowded salon:
'I'm very busy today, about three hours.'
Again the potential customer departs.
About a week later the unproductive performance
is reprised, by which time the barber's curiosity concerning
the perplexing ritual gets the better of him. He turns to a friend:
'Hey Bill, do me a favour, follow that eccentric guy
and find out where he goes. He keeps asking me
how long he has to wait for a haircut, but never returns.'
A while later Bill himself returns laughing heartily.
'Where does he go?' enquires the barber.
'To your house!'

Keith