Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

ENTERTAINING ENTERPRISES

Services
Oxfordshire plumber: The Lone Drainer - he come pronto
Notting Hill picture framers: Frame, Set & Match
Dorchester beauty salon: Facial Attraction
Retailers
Croydon second-hand records: The Vinyl Frontier
Teddington furnishers: Sofa So Good
Wimbledon fireplaces: Grate Expectations
Food Outlets
Battersea fish & chips: Battersea Cods Home
Ayr Indian restaurant: Ayr India
Crouch End Thai restaurant: Thaitanic
Tonsorial Traders
Brighton: Barber Blacksheep
Bristol: Curl Up & Dye
Buckinghamshire: Curls Aloud

[Eman]

LOL!!! The Vinyl Frontier indeed

[ROBERT M.]

Well after all...... William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy did make records

[Lena & Harry Smith]

As always.. thanks Keith.

[Sandra]

Brilliant Keith

[keithgood838]

Thanks folks, I hope my following bite of satirical verse
is also to your humorous taste:

CAPRICIOUS CENTRAL CASTING

The broadcaster is obliged
to play the part
of what is Treasury-specific,
while the audacious government
assumes the role
of radio and t.v. critic ...

[Eman]

Nice one Keith!

[keithgood838]

Eman, I never cease to be amazed by your knowledge
of British culture. I hope the following makes you smile:

TIME'S UNTIMELINESS

A salesman had been driving all night and was in desperate
need of some sleep. He stopped his car near a popular park and soon
nodded off. A few moments later a jogger knocked on the window
and asked: 'Excuse me, do you know the time?'
The sleep-starved salesman slurred: '7.30,' in reply.
The jogger thanked him and left him to return to the arms
of Morpheus.
He had only snatched a few more winks when another jogger
knocked on the window: 'Excuse me, what time is it please?'
'7.32,' snapped the angry salesman as the second jogger
continued on his run.
The salesman took a pen and paper from his briefcase
and wrote: 'I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME!' and left it on his windscreen.
No sooner had he managed to drop off again when once more there
is a knock on his window. This time the jogger gave the salesman
a thumbs-up and declared: 'It's 7.35.'

[keithgood838]

PREGNANCY PROGNOSIS

A woman is sitting opposite a fat man on a bus
and can't resist a scornful comment:
'If that stomach was on a woman, I'd think
she was pregnant.'
He ripostes: 'It was. She is.'

[keithgood838]

RISQUE RECLINING

A woman sits on a park bench. It is a sunny day so
she decides to stretch out her legs and sunbathe.
After a while she is approached by a vagrant who
ventures: 'Hi beautiful, how about the two of us
getting together?'
'How dare you,' she snarls, 'I'm not one of your cheap
pick-ups!'
'No?' enquires the down-and-out disdainfully, 'then what
are you doing in my bed?'

[ROBERT M.]

[keithgood838]

MUSICAL MIRTH

What is the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A dog knows when to stop scratching.

Why was the musician unable to play his stringed instrument?
He was harpist.

Why was the guitar player worried?
He was always fretting about something.

[keithgood838]

TALENT IN TENTACLES

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.
He sat the creature down on a stool and announced
to the assembled patrons that the octopus could play
any instrument in the world. When the locals started
to laugh at the proposition, the man invited them to
test their incredulity with £50 wager that the octopus
could not play any instrument they provided.
Immediately one challenger placed a guitar near the
octopus who proceeded to play it a la Jimi Hendrix.
Stunned he handed over £50. Then another man handed
the octopus a trumpet whereupon it played it like
Miles Davis. At that point a Scotsman appeared with
a set of bagpipes and handed it to the octopus who
fumbled with it for a minute before laying it down
carefully. 'What's the matter?' enquired the Scotsman
scornfully, 'can't you play it?'
'Play it,' exclaimed the octopus excitedly, 'I'm going
to ravish it as soon as I can get its pyjamas off!'

[keithgood838]

SAILOR STRESS

On a week's leave from the Navy during World War Two,
a rating decided to grow a pencil moustache. On his first
morning back on duty his petty officer barked:
'Perkins, what's so special about your nose that you think
it should be underlined?'

[keithgood838]

DONKEY DIRECTIVES
(or the power of prayer)

A wayfarer bought a donkey from a preacher who told him
that the donkey was trained so that the only way to make
it go was to say, 'Hallelujah!' And to make the animal stop
required a positive: 'Amen!'
The purchaser was pleased with his acquisition and mounted
the animal to try out the commands, which the donkey faithfully
obeyed. 'Excellent!' he exclaimed, 'this donkey is perfect for the
long journey I need to make.'
And so he set off across plains and mountains astride the donkey.
After hours of travel, he realised to his horror that he was heading
towards a sheer cliff with a five-hundred drop. In his panic he forgot
the magic word that would make the donkey stop.
'Stop!' he cried. 'Halt!' But the donkey just kept going. The itinerant
tried every command he could think of so, with the donkey getting
ever closer to the cliff edge, he resorted to invoking divine intervention:
'Please dear Lord, make this donkey stop before I go off the edge of this
precipice. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.'
Hearing the command the donkey came to and abrupt stop just one step
from the edge of the cliff.
The traveller was so relieved he yelled joyously: 'Hallelujah!'