Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

MEASURE FOR MEASURE
(with apologies to the Bard)

An elderly lady enters a bar on a cruise liner
and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday,'
she informs the barman and adds a touch triumphantly,
'which happens to be today.'
'In that case,' replies the beaming barman,
'have this drink with my compliments.'
As the debutant octogenarian finishes her drink,
the woman to her right joins the conversation:
'I'd like to mark the occasion too, have a drink on me.'
The birthday girl accepts graciously:
'That's very kind, thank you. Barman, I'd like a Scotch
with two drops of water please.'
As she drains that glass a male passenger to her left
enters into the 'spirit' of the mellow bar-room mood:
'Have one on me, happy birthday!'
'As he serves the senior celebrant yet another drink,
the barman finally cracks under the pressure of his
mounting curiosity:
'Forgive me, ma'am, but why the Scotch with two drops
of water only?'
'Sonny, when you get to my age you'll have learned
how to hold you liquor; holding you water, now that calls
for a different form of self-control entirely.'

Keith
(Original text from Ed,
our Floridan forumite)

[keithgood838]

WISH FULFILMENT

A man was riding his Harley along a Californian beach when suddenly
the sky clouded over and, in a booming voice, The Lord announced:
'Because you have led a blameless life and been faithful to my teachings,
I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and replied:
'Thank you Lord, please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride there
whenever I want.'
The Lord shrugged:
'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges involved
in that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific; the concrete and steel it would take; it would exhaust
several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
your desire for worldly things. Take a little time and think of something
that would be to the benefit of all mankind.'
After due consideration the biker finally said:
'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our women, to know
how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, and what she means when she says nothing's wrong.
Lord grant me the wherewithal to make a woman truly happy.'
There followed a prolonged celestial pause ...
'Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

Keith
(with text from Ed)

[keithgood838]

VICTORIOUS VERSE

Being unsure about which thread
on which to post this piece from Ed,
I decided finally to give humour its head.

The Australian Poetry Competition had been whittled
down to two finalists: a university graduate and an old aboriginal man.
Both were given the word TIMBUKTU, then allowed two minutes
to compose a short poem containing that word.
First to the microphone was the graduate:

'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.'

The audience were ecstatic, no way would the old man beat that.
Nevertheless he approached the microphone and declaimed:

'Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent,
As they were three and we was two,
I bucked one, and Timbuktu.'

The aboriginal won!

(Note. Timbuktu ia a city located near the river Niger
in the African country of Mali. There, entertainment
combined with enlightenment courtesy of this forum.)

[ROBERT M.]

The jokes just keep getting funnier and FUNNIER

[Lena & Harry Smith]

They sure do

[keithgood838]

Thanks Robert, Lena & Harry.
Especial thanks to our dear friend Ed in Orlando
who seems to have an inexhaustible supply.
Keith

[keithgood838]

DOUBLE DEALING

A respectable lady entered a pharmacy, approached the chemist,
and calmly announced:
'I would like some cyanide, please.'
He replied in bemusement:
'Why in the world would you need cyanide?'
'I'm going to poison my husband.'
The chemist's eyes widened in worried bewilderment:
'It's out of the question, you would be making me an accessory
to murder.'
The lady then fished in her bag (as women do) and extracted
a photo of her husband in flagrante delicto with the chemist's wife:
'That puts a different complexion on the matter,
you didn't say you had a prescription.'

Keith

[keithgood838]

CARE HOME CAPERS

Unlike her regal historical near-namesake, Ethelred the Unready,
Ethel was an ever-ready joyrider in her motorised wheelchair.
She revelled in doing wheelies round corners of the nursing home,
and top speed along lengthy corridors.
Knowing that she was a bloom short of a bouquet, her fellow residents
tolerated her uninhibited behaviour, often playing their part in her
freewheeling excesses.
One day Kooky stopped her in her tracks and demanded to see her
driving licence. Ethel obliged by holding aloft a Kit Kat wrapper.
'OK,' he conceded, and Ethel sped gleefully on her way.
As she careered around the corner at the t.v. lounge, weird Harold interrupted
her daredevil ride:
'Have you got insurance cover for that wheelchair?'
This time Ethel pulled a drinks coaster from her handbag and offered
it up as proof. Harold nodded approvingly and smiled:
'That's quite in order, ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor crazy Craig slowed her to a stop
by displaying his anatomical protruberance.
'Oh no,' squealed Ethel,
'not that ruddy breathalyser, again!'

Keith

Note. I am assured by our humorist friend, Ed,
that the proper interpretation here is that crazy Craig
was merely thumbing a lift ...

[ROBERT M.]

I believe Ed ..............................I think Ed should publish all these and any future jokes in a book

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Well at least Ethel had good eyesight.
She must have gone to SPECSAVERS.

[keithgood838]

STAYING ABREAST OF THE NEWS

Apple Computers Inc. have developed a chip that can store
and play high fidelity music in women's breasts.
The iMamma will cost $450 and $650 depending on speaker size.
This is a major breakthrough because women through the ages
have complained about men staring at their bosoms
instead of listening to them ...

Keith
(courtesy of the Ed News Agency)

[keithgood838]

PERTINENT PLATITUDES

As you slide down the banisters of life
may the splinters never point the wrong way.
(Or as humorist Dorothy Parker said on hearing
that a certain actress had broken her leg:
'She probably got that sliding down the barristers.'

Definition of transvestite: a guy who likes to eat, drink
and be Mary.

My mind is like lightning, one flash and it's gone.

The difference between the Pope and your boss:
the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

A husband is someone who, having taken the trash out,
gives the impression of having cleaned the whole house.

It used to be death and taxes,
now it's shipping and handling too.

Keith and Ed

PS Series of very funny Irish jokes courtesy of Ed, to follow.
Watch this space.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

BRING EM ON kEITH AND ED.

[keithgood838]

Your wish is our command, Lena & Harry.
The following humorous titbits have been kindly emailed to me
by Ed in Orlando. I have merely added some linguistic seasoning
to make them even more palatable to the international tastebuds.
Thank goodness for the Irish sense of secure self-worth,
which enables them to laugh at themselves.

SPEC MESS

For years O'Shea had been stealing timber from the yard in which he worked.
Eventually the burden of guilt weighed so heavily on his conscience that he
sought redemption at Confession.
'Father I confess to filching wood from my employer for 15 years,
and I haven't been to Confession for just as long.'
'I understand, my son,' replied the priest, realising that a wholehearted penance
would be required to absolve O'Shea of his sins.
'Do you think you could commit to making a Novena?'
'Father, if you have the plans, I have the lumber.'

FAITHLESS FIND

Paddy was driving in a state of panic because he feared being late
for an important appointment and he couldn't find a place to park.
In desperation he looked heavenward and pleaded:
'Lord, take pity on me and find me a parking spot. In return I promise
to attend Mass every Sunday and I'll give up drinking Irish whiskey.'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up at the heavens again and exclaimed:
'Never mind, I've found one.'

Keith

[keithgood838]

DRUNKEN DISORDER

Flynn staggered home after a late drinking session with his pals.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed gingerly toward the stairs but misjudged the bottom step;
as he instinctively reached out for a banister his body swivelled
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in his back pocket
smashed making his fall particularly painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn regained some composure, pulled down
his trousers and could see in the hall mirror that his buttocks
were cut and bleeding. He found a box of Band-Aids and began
putting one on each bloodied area. He then hid the emptied Band-Aid
box and shuffled off to bed.
In the morning Flynn woke to the painful reception of aching head and butt
plus the discomfiture of Mary staring at him accusingly:
'You were drunk again last night, weren't you?'
'Why do you say such a mean-spirited thing?' replied Flynn in mock pique.
'Well,' asserted Mary, 'it could be the front door left open, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
leaving a trail through the house, it could even be you bloodshot eyes,
but the clincher is all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!'